The year of hope: Part 2 - Ft. Antidepressants, Anxiety and Me

2018 is over. I am still alive. (Here's some context.)

And that is very telling of this year. This year has been exhausting. Physically, politically, academically and emotionally. It felt like I was dragged through this year, always attempting to jump through a hoop that was always too high.

Tried to run away but I stayed put;
Tried to stay put but my mind kept running;
So I surrounded myself with a general numbness;
That didn't help either.

And therefore, after all this struggle, I had to finally accept that I do have anxiety; quite a bit of it. I have suffered from it for 3 years at this point. It explains the perpetual mess in my room, the inertia to wash 4 vessels, being unable to get myself to take 10 steps towards the shower, the constant overplanning in my head for seemingly stupid things -- all these things that are so unlike me; and yet they have been me. I wrote about it a few months ago. I thought putting a name to it would help it vanish. Alas, that was not meant to be.

And that's when Mr. Andy Puddicombe came into the mix. For the uninitiated ones, he is the voice of the trending app Headspace, the one that makes meditation sound cool. For years, I dismissed meditation, even though I have parents who have sworn by it, even though I knew it did not have to be religious. But mindfulness meditation seemed to be the only thing that got me breathing again when I choked with panic during anxiety attacks. So, I began the "Managing Anxiety" series with the intent of finally saying goodbye to this nasty piece of shit. But in the very first few days, his words were "You are building a relationship with anxiety, you are not trying to get rid of it." Oh well, that plan was ruined. And I gave up.

But then, anger reared its ugly head. Anger I have never been familiar with before, anger I have always suppressed just beneath the layer. It's the worst kind of anger too, anger at my own self. I learned not to hate myself, not to be unkind and yet I did not know how to release this anger, which led to a lot of self-harm thoughts. Never as a real plan, but more as an outlet, just to escape this feeling of being stuck.

And thus, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Which led to more anger. But I needn't have fought it so much. I was suddenly focusing again. Not losing hours in fear. Not waking up feeling miserable. I do have productive days generally, but I don't remember the last time I could begin working sooner rather than later, when I didn't spend hours drafting a mail, when I didn't hate myself when I got to bed because of a wasted day. And out of nowhere, it was working. Now, I know that medicine doesn't help resolve all things because clearly despite it, when things started resembling a Rube Goldberg machine, it was as though I was back to where I was, running away from everything. But, at least the good days help me get by, just a little. I would give anything for that "just a little".

More so now than ever, given I am taking my prelim exam the second time in the next two weeks, after having failed the first time in May. It is hard not to deal with all this foreboding. As I said sitting on the proverbial therapist couch, I just feel like I have all this potential, all this belonging, all this love for the work I am doing, that seems to be going to waste because of the damned A-word. But I am not ready to give it up.

I was talking to a friend a few days ago about all this, who on listening, told me about positive visualization. Positive visualization is when you visualize how you would feel when you succeed at something you've been worried about, imagine that feeling in all its glory. Her unbeatable logic about doing this, is given how much energy we spend thinking of all the negative what-ifs, why not spend quarter of the time thinking the other way around? Ironically and obviously, the What-if monster came right back up. I pushed it away and tried imagining how I would feel if I did pass my prelim exam. Well, as is typical of me I have this whole speech for my advisor written up in my head about how thankful I would be to him. Here's where I wished I believed in God. Believed that they would ensure I am fine. But maybe for now, I am my own God, my own torturer, my own believer.

This is not to say that I did not have a few good days or a few good weeks.

I saw one of my closest friends, someone who knows the ins and outs and all possible details of my life after 4 years. And that I have met her all of one time ever in my life and yet she means so much to me, that's incredible. To actually take a vacation, explore places and know that we aren't terrible when we are in person together was quite the relief.

I settled into the idea that my sister is around. The couch in her very comfortably lit living room has become an unruinable haven for working, the two attempts at my prelim from that couch are attestations to that. With her around, I got to celebrate Diwali for the first ever time since I came to the U.S. My God, I could cry. Diwali defines happiness in very inexplicable ways, and to do all that I associate with Diwali felt unbelievable.

And of course, my first ever publication. It was just a workshop, and just an extended abstract. And yet it felt unbelievable. They felt so familiar, I had read and referred to their papers so many times. That workshop made me feel and believe that I belong, in this community.  That is a feeling I can't quite ever get over. I want more of this, so much more. really really really am looking forward to more of that, I really want to use that to fuel my working in the future.

I started meditation again too. Even though my mind jumps hoping for immediate relief, I tell it to be patient and to be kind. I thus learned to slow down this year, which mostly manifested itself in my music, which was beautiful. I was able to let go, get out of my head, believe that I know the notes, and just sing, without worrying whether I would reach the high notes, or how my voice would sound. I just sang. It has been years, years since I sung that way. Though bad habits are hard to break, this one seems to be on its way to be broken.

This also showed up in my relationships. I realized that showing my vulnerabilities, make things better. I am no longer scared of people leaving me. I still have pent up anger about a few people I had to leave, but it seems more like anger at myself, that I hope I can iron out over time.

I read more than 30 books this year. All because of 15 minutes in the morning with Coffee, and 15 minutes right before bed. It got me through the worst of my anxiety, provided the escape I needed, the calm I sought, and brought my second favourite hobby back in the groove.

The last time my new year's post had this title, the year bent over backwards to ensure all hope was broken, or at least attempted to. I don't want to be superstitious about titles. This is indeed another year of hope. There is this new found drive in me. Maybe it's the third year push, maybe it's having narrowed down my research problem to some extent, maybe it is that I think this problem is MINE to solve. Whatever it is, I have this drive, this thrill that I am not ready to let go. If the antidepressants continue to work, my therapy kicks in and I do pass my prelims, I can effectively channel this drive to do what I have wanted to do for so long, what I have trained for.

If it doesn't happen... I don't know. I just don't know yet. I've had bad periods and I have gotten out of them. I guess I just have to hope I will get out of this one too. The optimistic part of me doesn't want to leave this on this note, but it's how I feel.

But something certainly good amidst all this uncertainty is I am finally going home after 2 years. I know for a fact, that I am going to be doing mental zoomies like an energized puppy. I get to see my parents and experience some familiarity. That can't be too bad, right?

In some ways, this post is a lot like what it feels like inside my head. Circular, a snake eating its own tail, weird back-propagation of arrows, reinforcement - negative and positive.

But I'm done. I'm ready to break free, of these shackles, from this cycle, this circular fear and never-ending inertia.

Here's to hope and Freddie Mercury.

Late night euphoria

I want to write about this before the feeling wanes. Two days ago, I thought to myself, this feeling I have, is very reminiscent of the first time I applied to the Ph.D. program (and I wrote about it too). A sense of disbelief combined with a form of relief, I felt very hopeful and excited that I knew what I wanted to do, and no matter what happened with respect to the results, I am on a path that I cannot be moved from.

That's honestly how I feel about my HRI paper submission. I wanted to submit to it one way or the other, all the way since May. Now I know my paper may not be the best, it hasn't gone through any rejections yet, so it won't possibly be accepted. But the pursuit of this question, the excitement of user studies, learning statistics on the flow has been incredible. It has been stressful, no doubt, I have lost count of weekends lost and nights spent working and not sleeping, and how can I forget, that voice of anxiety always around to pull me back. But I've learnt to work around it. I've learnt to love my work more than I fear anxiety. And maybe for a moment, I feel like I won.

Maybe this is all temporary. But this is me, capturing this moment, before it flies away from me.

Woman

You're never perfect, are you now? 

Sometimes slightly fatter than you ought to be, 

Sometimes just a little too skinny with no real ass or breasts to look at, 

Sometimes too bossy trampling over frail egos, 

Sometimes not leader enough to have ever made the best of that position. 

Sometimes too showy for a place you work at, 

Sometimes too plain to ever make a difference. 

All your mistakes, big or small,  

looked into with the zooming of a high powered microscope, 

Never good enough, never bad enough, 

It's not you, it's all you. 

Even if we dismiss all of this with a wave of our hand,  

We have now internalized this. 

Never to be satisfied with our decisions. 

Second guessing every step. 

Why is it that boys will always be boys 

With a paunch, barking orders, with no implicit requirement to care, 

No implicit requirement to display maternal love to people that aren't related to them, 

And girls are taught to grow up to be the perfect wife, perfect daughter in law, perfect mother? 

Why is it always the woman 

who has to take the pill? 

Wonder if her period is just late 

Or is it something else? 

Insert an IUD, deal with a pregnancy,  

And people continue to say,  

Who asked her to go have sex,  

Who asked her to taint her body,  

As though a woman has "no control" and "all control" over her body, 

As though that visceral pleasure is too much for a woman to experience,  

Much more than she will ever deserve. 

I'm so tired of only thinking about how I look, 

The hairs that pop up on my legs and on my chin, 

Forgetting completely how I feel and who I am, 

How much more of a person I really am, 

You take away my image from me, 

and I'm still here, I'll still exist. 

Don't scrutinize every inch of weight they gain, 

Every blemish that has appeared with pain, 

Every wrinkle that marks her golden age, 

Her "turkey neck", a sign of all the years that she looked up 

 at EVERY person who came along the way, 

To tell her she wasn't right, she wasn't ready, 

While she took those giant steps in the shadow of a giant man, unnoticed yet significant. 

Let her go crazy, 

Let her have a paunch or not, 

Let her have an ass or not, 

Let girls be girls too. 

Let her come out in the open, 

Let her cry as much as she likes, it doesn't make her any less of a human being, 

Let her voice not reach the ends of a large room, but her intention to lead stay strong, 

Hoist her on your shoulders, and tomorrow,  

Tomorrow, she will hoist ten of you on hers, 

Without a word of appreciation, because she has learnt to mark her own successes. 

That's the woman I know, staring into the mirror, 

Wondering if this could really be. 

That woman is you, 

That woman is me, 

Reminding herself that perfection is just a failed pursuit in this hollow hypocritical reality. 

Post-script: 

I apparently wrote this in October 2016, and by the way, I did NOT know the existence of the term "Turkey neck". Sheesh. I think it came up as a diss on one of the women senators or journalists or someone at the time, and I was so mad at the violation and acceptance of all things abnormal, how people used physical aspects of women to demean them when it has absolutely nothing to do with their work. 

I recently read Tyra Banks' book, and one of the things she harps about, which I realize is important - whether a woman does botox or not, wears makeup or not, it's completely her choice, it is about what makes her feel good, about what makes her feel comfortable. I myself am guilty of having judged women who were more feminine in the past, because I did not own my own and I was mad at them for letting down the community, which feels so stupid in retrospect.



This self-acceptance of my physical self and my femininity is fairly new to me. This anger too is very new to me and I don't always know what to do with it. But I think poetry helps me deal with expressing at least some part of it. Maybe I will begin to make more sense of things by writing about them.

Small talk

I've come to understand and maybe even enjoy small talk. It isn't always about the weather. Sometimes, it's about finding that connection in talking about your day's events; knowing that even for those two minutes, you are genuinely interested in that conversation. In those few minutes, there is that semblance of warmth. I have often wondered how much of it is forced and of course, even fake; since I'm always on this end, someone who barely exists there before she is gone. But they, the baristas, the nurses, the customer service reps, the cab drivers, are constantly present, going through this process with different people hour after hour, day after day. And I think, maybe I ought to do my part to be the least bit pleasant, the least bit agreeable? 

And even during the worst days, there is something about being that small level of vulnerable, to feel that honesty that comes through when you talk about how you really are feeling, what you are actually going to do and what you are looking forward to - knowing that we aren't always the "Hi , how are you? Good. How are you?" machines.

Today I shared that moment with someone, all thanks to small talk. 

Railroad Memories

I got the "coffee convert" tea today. The watery black tea to which I added some milk and sugar. The first taste on my tongue and the memory of travelling by train hit me like a rock. To waking up to the sound of "Chai chai" and "Coffee Coffee". I loved travelling by train, it brings up some of my nicest memories with my family, despite the 36 hours of journey and terrible bathrooms. I loved looking out at the green fields, reading by the window, playing card games, having idli mulagai podi packed in banana leaves for food and fermenting yogurt in bottles, and last but most definitely the topmost in priority - loving the food that came through the compartments (Masala vada tops that list hands down). 

Train journeys also remind me of sleepless nights spent talking, feeling, realizing and appreciating those moments. Of times experienced together that cannot be repeated. I still have this romanticism associated with it.There is something about travelling by train in India that pulls me in, even though I don't think it is going to happen any time soon. Until then, I'm gonna hold on to these memories that just bring up the excitement of travel, the relishing pleasure of food and an inherent feeling of experiencing life in the moment as opposed to letting it pass you by, we leave that to fields on the train. :)

This song has nothing to do with trains except for the title (and maybe the pacing and the pattern of playing too). But here it goes. 

John Mayer - Stop this train

P.S. This is definitely one of my shorter posts. But I think I want to just write more instinctively and post as opposed to waiting for time to perfect, since all that effort is spent in trashing and rewriting my research things. So here's to firsts!

Conviction

Conviction is a funny feeling. You almost always hear it in an positive context. 

You have conviction for where you want to be. 

You have conviction in who you believe you are, what you can be. 

But what if your conviction is for something that doesn’t exist? It used to, but along the way it went awry. You still guard it, so carefully, even Gollum would be put to shame the way you consider it "Your Precious". 

You tell them how much it means to you and pay a deaf ear to anything they might say against it. You know it's escaping, like sand through your fingers, and it keeps flowing away, grain by grain and yet, you run, trying to figure a way for it to stop, finally finding a container you can put what's left in. There are days you don’t even think of it. But the moments you do, you go back to check if it is safe. If it is still locked in that heart shaped box of yours; the one that can only be opened by a key possessed by the very idea in itself. 

You are so sure you’re meant for this, that this was always meant to happen. You try so hard, you give it everything it takes. But it just seems to evade you. It moves 10 metres away with every peek you take. But you convince yourself, "Hey, it didn’t move farther than that now, did it?" in a tone so feeble, only you can hear it in your head. You talk about it to people to assure yourself that it is the truth, that it is not you being unreasonable. Confirmation bias, I tell you. 

Conviction feels like the rope that you have to hold on to, so that you don’t fall. The more you tug at it, the faster it weakens, loosens. It breaks, inevitably, and you fall; a fall where you know you will die the moment your body hits the ground. Thud. The ground doesn’t feel so hard. You’ve fallen back on the sand. You are not dead. But you tell yourself, “No, I am sure I am dead. No, I should have died”. 

Days go by. You see bruises in places that you didn’t see before. Every step seems smaller than the ones before. Every breath feels harder than the ones before. 

Slowly enough, you begin to realize, you were only meant to fall, never to die. You're walking on the beach; on the same sand that once passed through your fingers. Would you even remember the pain? Or how it felt? Or would you say to yourself it made you the person you are right now? 

A small stone amidst all that sand.

( I had written most of this about three years ago. About the time I had seriously begun to consider doing a Ph.D., and wasn't sure if I would manage to make it through. To answer my own questions, I do remember the pain, enough that I never wanted to go back to it again. I also say to myself that it is the reason I am here right now.

An insight I was weirdly wise enough to toy around with then, that I can say for sure now, is that conviction is good but sadly, luck plays a big role. And I am thankful that I was lucky enough to get here after all.)

The many small questions and the few big answers

I am ushering in the new year on quite a high really. I think it has been quite some time before I felt this childishly happy. There are a few legitimate reasons for the same

1. I had one very good last week of the semester.
Something I have kept referring to for the past few years is about how it feels alien to have a good thing happen to me. I'm almost on guard for a bad thing that I believe, will most definitely follow a good thing. I might have finally given up on that this year. That week, was a week of too many snippets of good news ( which i will now tag as the good-news-week in the post). I passed two of my classes with grades that ensure I don't have to take them again and grades that might have been too good to be true. Yours truly, as usual, was happy to deny she had anything to do with it. But I am learning to give myself credit, so I might have come around to accepting it. This was followed by my flight being delayed and missing my connecting flight and reaching Mumbai 2 days later. But I got to spend the 2 days in my own home and not in a dingy airport gasping for fresh air. I guess I should consider it enough proof that good things can last by themselves after all. :)

2. I am okay with being an adult

It began when about 10 days ago, I wasn't asked for an I.D. while entering this lounge (which is unusual given if you don't look above 40, they do ask for it). And amidst jokes of looking old enough, I realize it didn't matter to me. Mostly people hate the responsibilities that come with it, but I guess it has been long enough that I have come to accept those the way I expect myself to brush my teeth every single morning. I learnt that adulthood comes with its share of turmoil, especially during this phase, where most people are going through their quarter life crises. That I definitely do not have solutions to most problems, that conflicts are unavoidable, and the fewer people, the better.

What has also changed, is my perception of my parents. I now see them as fellow adults, with a little more experience, of course, but nevertheless, stumbling through each day. I see them wondering how to let go of us as adults while we ask to be treated as kids when home. It is so much easier to talk to them, to be understanding. I give them a lot of credit for having transitioned to this mode of being with us, treating us back as fellow adults. In fact, I had this detailed conversation with my dad about love and emotions in a very different capacity, where I found this side of him that I knew existed, but something that never came through before now. That was interesting and a lot easier than I had imagined.

Majorly, I realized I am now in that phase of my life where I see my parents once a year and otherwise, we continue to live individual lives, hoping the other is fine.*sigh* Maybe that slightly hurts.

3. I am home
I won't deny. Coming back home was scary. I know it has only been around a year since I left and I should have been dumb to think that I would remember nothing. But the truth is when you adjust to an extremely foreign place, creating an alternative reality for yourself as a coping mechanism, you often don't remember where you belong, if you belong at all. It was an eye-opener when the typical American politeness in an Indian shop returned embarrassed responses from the employees who felt they were just doing their job. Either way, being welcomed with the smell of bhaturas, being rejected by the autowallahs, and just driving around with my family, was therapeutic, to say the least. I think I had forgotten how good home can actually feel. My sister and I spent time with our parents, and that is pretty much all that we did; making family trips out of tasks to be completed, playing music and eating food.

I came home with ideas about being extremely logical, especially about love and other such emotions. But just being around my family, I realized that maybe, I need to let the feeling of safety and the calmness that is home just sink in, not seek to define or articulate these feelings. Trust that if someone feels like home, maybe that is a relationship to uphold, that is a person to trust. These are very redundant thoughts maybe, but to me, it feels like a lesson I am relearning finally getting out of a few constructs I had built around myself.

4. I now have a U.S. drivers license #good-news-week

   (which is apparently a big deal, I hear)

  

5. I am now a Ph.D. student #good-news-week

I don't even know what to say. I was mostly stupefied, even though it was kinda expected given how things worked out. I know I did work hard for it, it didn't just land in my hands. But I know I got extremely lucky in terms of the work I am getting to do and the people I am getting to work with, from what it seems right now. I think it is finally sinking in, that I am in fact doing what I have wanted to do, for almost 10 years now. Right now, that can actually overwhelm me given my personal expectations of myself, so I am trying to take it as it comes, just focus on work like I always have, and hopefully, that results in good things. I am happy. I jump between extreme calm and extreme excitement for most parts, but I guess it is gonna be a satisfactory 4 years, at least I hope it will be.

I happened to meet Sanaya ( my first ever friend) on New Year's Eve and I think I could not have began 2017 in a better way. Based on our conversation, I think I am done being so serious about everything, I know a lot of my light heartedness came from being home, but I really think I need to start enjoying the good times I have in order to be able to brave through the difficult ones. Maybe something to consider seriously.

My year definitely started out fuzzy and happy. A blissful content happiness I haven't felt in a long while. And the two resolutions, if at all, that I have for myself, is to have faith in the good times and in the good actions of people and to truly be happy when I can. Simple to advise about, difficult to implement. :)

Wishing you a productive and hope-filled new year as well. :)

And here's the happy song I want to share. A song I loved when I could hardly talk and I recently realized, it is definitely a guitar song I have to learn. Big plans for the future, indeed. 

(Mr. Big - To be with you)

P.S. Technically, this post is 10 whole days late. But given that this is the first post of the year, I haven't really missed a "deadline" now, have I? :D

Before the high wears off

It's not the end of the semester. Hell, it is not even close. But well, I just got done with both my midterms today! I'm listening to Pearl Jam while writing this before people start discussing the midterm and I figure all the places I made stupid mistakes in. I just want to enjoy today and kinda think about the time that has been the last two months. I am finally here. Living my dream. After all of that crying, waiting, hoping ( du du du du du .. sorry, that song just came right up) for way way too long. I don't think I really believed it until my plane was about to land at Detroit and I almost wished it didn't because suddenly it was way too overwhelming with my hair standing on end.

But like it turns out, I didn't really have any getting used to studying or getting back to studying, it felt as natural as wearing a jacket. It never felt weird, it just did not. And I don't know if I am speaking too soon, but honestly, I don't think I've been happier in three years. I haven't felt this alive in so damn long. I just haven't.  I'm not saying there aren't tough times and doubtful times, lord knows I've had quite a few of them in just this small duration. But still, at least I don't feel listless. At least, I don't feel like my brain is rotting away while I just get by.

I had decided that I would try and let go of my past and all my disappointments and unfulfilled expectations and hope for this to be a fresh start. Fresh start, this word has been abused so often, and I think we tend to want these a little too often. But the lines have been pretty blurred. It didn't feel like a whole new beginning or whatever, it feels like a continuum of sorts. And I'm writing this knowing that if I suck at my midterm, I am gonna hate myself (clearly, I can't stop thinking even if I want to!) but whatever I said is true either way. So I am at peace, at least for today.

And Ann Arbor has been super welcoming. (At least that's what it leads you to believe until winter, is it? Or maybe, after winter, I might say eh, that wasn't so bad, I hope!) With all of its honestly unbelievably pretty places that have got me wondering "Really? Do I actually call this place my home now?", I love it. There are squirrels scurrying around digging up random places. There is this family of deer that walks past as though it doesn't give a shit about anyone who stares at them and smiles and chuckles and laughs and wonders about clicking photographs (a.k.a me). Why, I even spotted a skunk (and stayed far away, just in case :P). I hope I don't stop getting amazed at these things, it makes those tired walks to college something to look forward to. And fall is just so beautiful, so damn beautiful. It feels sad to see trees being barren but it also makes me look forward to the leaves growing back in spring. :)

When someone asks me what is it that I want to do or study and what I see myself doing, I actually don't know. The last few times I was so sure of doing something, it always changed and then I was stuck. Right now, I think I have an idea of what I would like to do without the details or even that one sentence description, and I think I have come to figure that sometimes, that's actually good enough. But one thing I do know, is that I want to make a difference. I want to learn the depth and not swim in the shallowness that is Jack of all trades.

It is a rainy morning here (yes, this post is continued over two days), and rain as always gives me a sense of calm with the whooshy sounds of the wind and pitter patter that feels familiar. The sky is overcast and the place looks just so beautiful. Not an average studying day at all. But I think I should get back to my books.

What it looks like outside my window!

This song kinda seems perfect for the weather, it's smooth, it's comfortable, it just glides beautifully in the background. I think Pink Floyd is perfect for too many situations. That being said, a few poems are in the works, so I shall return to this space very soon. :)

Sliver

A sliver, a slight was all it took,

To put all the broken things back together for good,

To remember how it used to really feel,

Or maybe it was a completely new feeling after all.

Reeling from the aftermath of it all,

Finding comfort in the crevices of our minds,

Finding comfort in those stolen embraces,

Not really knowing what we were looking for,

But going in the direction where it didn't feel so wrong.

The heart, it fluttered, it wanted to sing,

But sing it couldn't, before it felt a lot of things,

Kept itself hidden within a thousand walls,

Building each broken one every time, without a door.

But there was a small tiny gap left within the walls,

Through which it let a few feelings in after all,

And in those glimpses, in those hints,

It kept trying to heal the wounds within.

Now those wounds have almost healed,

The scars are beginning to show,

Those that are still scabs need a little more time,

But they see the hope of whole skin for sure.

All that was needed was just that sliver, I guess,

The kid is ready to play in the mud yet again,

Having known the things that shall be faced once and more,

Just immersed in the present for now, 

The future shall be taken care of whenever it comes to the fore.

So long, farewell, it's time to say goodbye

 Following is the mail I wrote as a last day mail to a few people at Microsoft. Thought this needs to be up here for sure. 

I have been planning this mail for 2 months now. Telling myself I'd write it when the feeling hits the most. But damn it, tomorrow is my last day and yet I don't feel that way. Yep, it's that time of the year where a whole bunch of people begin to say goodbye in their own weird ways and move towards their apparent long term plans and dreams while we stayed on, feeling weirdly left behind. Or maybe we all have our paths and it is finally my cue to take that sharp turn I was waiting to take all this time.

In about three months, I will be found studying at University of Michigan, Ann Arbor waiting to die of too much cold or too many assignments. For that matter, when this admit came, I might as well have died. I honestly did not believe it. I kept waiting for one sign after the other to confirm that they aren't taking this away from me. That it is indeed mine. When you haven't had anything to celebrate in too long a time, I don't think you remember how to do it anymore when something good does happen. Even now, while I type this mail, my flight has been booked. I have the visa in my hand. There is technically nothing that can stop me. Yet, this incredulity, this amazement, this emotional upheaval, I think it is just stupid, but oh well, that's how it is.

In three years, a lot of things have changed. I have learnt to bargain (might I say very successfully ;) ) because of the 'very friendly' autowallahs here. I have watched an average of 15 movies per year in the theatre (which seems like less but is a lot for someone who barely watched one and only when the title included Harry Potter/Hobbit etc). I can actually converse completely in Hindi, retorting back too without actually struggling for a witty way to do it. I have had more girl friends in these three years than I have had in all of my life. Which is why even today, I refrain from wearing this horrid pair of sandals I had. (Story goes that someone thought that I was committed and deeply in love with someone(verbatim) in a long distance relationship which is why the change in dressing sense happened. I guffawed when I heard of it. IF only!). I have gone out and experienced most things people ought to try and then ideally abstain from and have quite a few crazy stories attesting to the fact too. :P

Most significant of them all, I am a lot more realistic bordering on pessimistic. I am more perceptive to pain. I cry a lot easier ( and I hate it!) and feel Nirvana is therapeutic. Like one of my friends put it very aptly, I came in a with a government-esque five year plan, so sure of its execution. But sometimes you fight so hard for something you're so sure you want, when it comes to you, you no longer believe you were meant for it, you deserve it or even that you want it. I think I have forgotten the pain, the hard earned joy and glory at the end of a long struggle. We don't realize how comfortable we get with this life of ours. Maybe the point is to give it up. Go back and struggle. Not stop unless you are truly happy, the kind of happiness you get when you are sweating like a pig at the end of a workout but you can't wait to do it again the next day. Maybe that's what I miss right now. Maybe that's why I don't truly feel like myself anymore. I think I want that real happiness. And I am going to try and get to that.

If there is one thing that I want to leave you with, it is how much I have loved the company, right since day 1, and I mean Microsoft as a whole. I always tend to find a new reason or a new facet that I am amazed by, that I want to embody, that I wish to be a part of. I have been lucky to have the most amazing mentors who always encouraged me and kept challenging me with every task I  completed and I am hoping that will come of some use where I am going. I have had some of the most amazing managers ranging from those who made me strive hard to deserve to be a part of the team, to those who told me it is intention and hard work that is important, and that as long as I love what I do, I will do my best. I also came across the most amazing people who despite being in a position where they could make me feel really small, they made me feel like I mattered and it was worth it. Just for that, if I do end up getting a Ph.D or become a postdoc etc. , irrespective of offers from anywhere else, I believe my heart would still choose Microsoft, because somehow, something about it just feels right. I feel like I fit right in and I don't think I am ever going to let myself forget that.

This is quite a long mail I have written. If you know me well enough, I think you'll know this is just about the right length. If you don't, I am very very happy that you reached until this point. I will always be amazed at people reading something that I write, right until the end and am thankful to them too. The years at Microsoft changed my world and me in a way that I don't think I had ever imagined possible. I am leaving with a curious mind open to possibilities, waiting to explore and dreaming of making a difference enough to change the world.

That this mail has reached your inbox means that I have had at least one interaction with you that mattered and you are someone I hope to keep in touch with. ( I know bcc kinda defeats that point but it is a requirement only for technical purposes). I shall be available on different mediums as specified below and I promise not to add to the list of airport check-ins that shall happen like a craze in the following months. :) I wish you a life of happiness, excitement and will to do whatever you wish to do in life. Leaving you with this song while I bid adios.

Forgotten

I have forgotten those times,

When my heart did not know the immenseness,

Of what was going on,

It just kept on feeling,

Like that feeling always belonged.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart was being wrung dry,

It couldn't possibly bear, not any more,

But it kept on going,

Like nothing had ever gone wrong.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart wanted to be numb,

Escape from all those emotions,

That it just didn't want to know, not yet,

A little more time, before it took the plunge.

I have forgotten those times,

When you began to slip away from me,

I kept believing I was holding on to you,

When in fact, all that was left, was a mere shadow.

I have forgotten how it used to feel,

When I heard those songs, those that spoke of waiting for love,

The memories come to me,

And it is all that is left of those feelings.

Yet I know there's a part of me,

The one that I keep hidden, the one no one knows exists,

That holds on to the day when I can remember again, feel again,

And weep those tears in emotions galore.

I shall keep close to me,

The existence of such a possibility,

Until then it shall remain forgotten,

While it remains in the back of my memory.

Tales of 24

24 was always far away for me and my sister. It was the age when my mom got married (though she strictly encourages me to finish studying before I even think of marriage and just how much I love her for that!). Right since I was 14, my sister would begin going  “la la la la la la” the moment someone even mentioned marriage and I always used to think ’24 is too far away, why the hell should I care about it now?’ I don’t have to think about it for 10 years now. (I was 14, I wasn't allowed to use 'hell' even in my head :P.)

I don’t think I ever planned the future in a clear manner. I didn't know then what working actually involved so I couldn't see myself doing so. But the one thing that has been constant since then is the want to study.

Look at me now. Here I am. All of 24. I keep repeating it to myself to remind myself that I am indeed that old. The age that I thought would never come.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  For the first time in many years, I did not feel that tinge of sadness that is so typical of us singles surrounded by happy romantic couples smothered by roses and teddy bears and excessive love. I did the cheesiest possible things for my girlfriends here, took them out for dinner and we had the most amazing evening filled with revelations. It felt so amazing to be present in that moment, where I could make someone feel so special. All of us wish to feel that, yes, even though we may have multiple occasions where the corresponding better halves do their bit. But those times, when it comes from someone and somewhere unexpected, there is always a hint of delight to it. I do hope they felt as much.

Something I have been feeling stronger about with every passing day is how I need to involve myself in a lot more music, a lot more writing as well. I watched Roy the other day and there was something about that movie that brought out that dreamy alternate world, the other worldly feeling that engulfs me when I sit to write a poem. I felt that after ‘Begin again’ too. It brought out the feeling related to music that is so entrenched in me, the feeling that accompanies me wherever I go. I definitely want to write more songs, both lyrics and music and actually sing them outside of the four walls of my bedroom. (Yes, I have definitely advanced from the bathroom singing which is now reserved for improvisations and falsettos :P.) The night of my birthday triggered this feeling too, when we were jamming and I just sang my heart out, improvisations et al., for the first time in the presence of others. I wish I could explain how it feels, but for that, I would have to cut my heart out, place it in front of you and hope you can feel a small part of it. (While I write this, my brain is going, “Your brain, your brain, not your heart!” but the poet in me just cannot let go of metaphors. :) ) I hope it happens a lot more when I am eventually part of a band (again I hope). I am guessing I am not too late, maybe I should write a few of my own songs in the meanwhile. Oh Marine drive, just how much I miss you.

Today, I also went for the 3k run organized by the Hyderabad Runners club. Quite measly when compared to the half-marathon or even the marathon, but man, the way they make you feel when you enter that finish line, it is as though you did something spectacular. It was nothing like those 100m races in school where I always failed trying, or at least felt like I did. Always left in that sinking feeling where I began to believe that sports was never meant for me despite the inherent liking I had for it.  I think I am going to cherish the feeling from today morning and keep it pushing me towards where I want to be.

I was telling a friend of mine, that I have begun to appreciate the importance of simplicity of friendships and conversations. And just now, I remember having written a post with the same title. I had written it in the wake of a whole lot of people I had discovered and what I had believed then to be the ideal way. There is a part of me that wants to plaster a big ‘LOL’ on top of this post but I will not. I understand that as much as you try and make something as simple as it gets, unless the other person wants and does the same things, it will never reach that pinnacle. And sometimes, as much as you might care for someone and they might care for you, you will always tend to be biased towards those friends who understand you so instinctively, with whom you don’t have to be careful about what you say, it does not matter how you behave or how often you talk, they get you. I KNOW, the then-me would never agree to this, always believing that more is possible but I guess now I know better. I am thankful to have a few of these special ones with whom it never ceases to remain the same :) . Though I don’t think I will ever stop trying.

Now you might wonder why this post feels like a whole bunch of updates rather than one coherent thought. I think it has a lot to do with my state of mind, which I think is comparable to a dementor :P; though I am not trying to suck happiness out of people’s lives, I am definitely trying to get those happy moments out of all the small things that I may do. And writing this post has made me quite emotional as well, maybe it has a lot to do with how much of this came from my own self, just me, without having to depend on anyone else. That makes it all the more special. And a lot more close to my heart as well. Leaving you with this song that reminds me how I want to feel when I eventually sing and play my own song in front of an audience with a similar ensemble. :)

                         

Crossed fingers

Wonky is the word. Yep. That’s the word to describe this year. Just like a wonky internet connection that gives you hope for a few moments and right when you are about to pay that bill, it gives up on you. This year had too many unexpected frustrating moments like those. I think, my last year’s new year post is laughing at me, because I am writing this from the same old room, sitting on the same old bed hoping for the same thing yet again. I had called this year the year of hope. Ha! Looks like this year was hell bent on attaching a negative connotation to the word hope for me.

Weirdly, it hasn't won yet and I wonder why. Maybe because, for me, hope means what it means only if you have done the ground work. The lowest low that I thought I had hit last year decided to go all “Mariana Trench” on me this time. Quite a few horrible days. Those unbelievable days you just wait for to end so that the next day can begin and time can pass quickly. Too many realizations and yet none of them provided me the satisfaction that they are expected to.

This year was also one of the years where I had to let go of people who meant too much to me on account of various reasons. Some of them went on to pursue their dreams and as much as I didn't want them to go, the part of me that cares for them obviously gave them the best wishes possible. Some of them, it was what it was, I hope they know how much I love them and that I will always care as much as I always have for them and I hope the universe knows to whisper it in the right ear. Some, I almost lost them but I was able to save in the nick of time. Too much emotional drama for a year I think.

When I look back and think how I was and what I was thinking exactly a year ago, when I realize the stark distinction in me, it is quite overwhelming. This year was a year of breaking all my assumptions, all possible expectations and everything that I took for granted. Which is probably an extension of life or karma, whatever you may choose to call it. The past year made me re-evaluate everything and every thought about myself and what is it that I really want to be. Which isn't so bad when put in perspective. But the change is something I don’t really know about yet.

Though I must say, there were three spectacular things that I was fortunate to experience in 2014 that I want to remember all my life - My birthday, ‘Yanni’ concert and the Udaipur trip.

This new year was ushered in with a lot of laughter. It began with fireworks giving me the feeling that it is the beginning of something. It was ushered with wishes from people who wished that I would go ahead and pursue my dreams this year. Somehow, that gave me hope again. Man, this whole studying thing has begun to mean way too much to me, my eyes tear up at the mere mention of what I want my near future to look like. I sometimes think it is good I worked for a while. It made me realize how much I want this and also want this much more. I think I can safely say the feeling is absolute and not a result of anything. There is NO way I am gonna slack off if I do get an opportunity to study, I’m going to become a recluse who might just die of Vitamin D deficiency.

Looking ahead, what do I wish to do this new year? Things from last year that worked for me that I want to continue. Taking things one day at a time? Absolute brilliance it is. Helps keep me calm when it isn't in my hands. I realize I panic a lot lesser. This was very evident in my application process this year which I happened to finish a month before the deadlines. It might have been because of the wisdom gained from last year but it was the patience too. I definitely want a lot more orderliness in many ways in my life.

I want to listen and listen patiently this year. Something that the Udaipur trip taught me, people always pour their heart out when you listen calmly. And patience so that you will let them complete what they have to say and not let your unstable emotions take over the words from your mouth. I don't know if it will help. But I think it is always good to listen.

This year, maybe a typical resolution in general, but very different when it comes to me is to be fit. Oh, the first resolution to be broken, you may say. But no. My aim to go run, gym, swim, or whatever physical activity it was, besides the fact that I enjoyed the time spent was always to lose weight, never a priority, always something I quit the moment things of higher priority came; only to resume a long time later. But no more. I want a little more discipline in my life. I want to make physical activity a part of my life such that it is as natural as that want to sleep when it gets closer to your bed time.

Having done all this, I really wish that next new year, I am closer to where I want to be, closer to what I want to achieve, closer to the person I want to be.

This year is about letting go of things that cannot be helped. It is about forgiving yourself for all those times you wished you had done it differently. It is about letting go of sad memories and realizing the importance of the ones that reassure you. It is about letting go of relationships, because of distance, physical or emotional, temporarily or permanently. It is about beginning on a new note, it is about bringing in new change, by your own hands. It is about keeping the faith, and believing in yourself.

Here’s to yet another year.

The better alternate universe

I couldn't possibly not write about this. Ironically, a week ago, I couldn't even explain it. I didn't have words. It is just that crazy. I still remember that moment. That moment I was so scared of for the past few days. My heart raced and I could feel it beating hard and loud. I thought something is going to give up on me. But when it came, all I did was close my eyes. Or look down. It didn't matter. Because only one thing was running in my head. And in that moment, I forgot everything else. It was mine. Mine, all along. As though, everything else insignificant, unimportant was shifted to some place I couldn't recognize, to be completely consumed by one wholesome feeling. Overwhelmed I was. I never believed I was capable of it. You look like a guy, they said. You sound like a guy, they said. That that very thing might make you sound so different and unexpected, they never said. But my mom did. If not for her, I don’t think I would be here, talking about this at all. And my two teachers, without them, I don’t think I would ever have reached for the skies like I did.

All I could think of, were the words that were coming out of my mouth. I didn't even realize where I was, what I was doing. There wasn't even the possibility of thinking of anything else. That music had taken me into it. Damn, this feeling, I can’t shake it off. That hour before, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I don’t really know what else to say. That day, I remembered the first ever concert I had attended. I remembered being in that moment, with the people who sang, with the people who played and the smiles adorning their faces. I had just begun to learn music again then. I even wrote a whole post about it. And now when I go back and read, I feel blessed, to have ever felt this feeling, even once. I feel grateful again, that I am actually able to learn this art, to be a minuscule part of it, as much as every living cell in my body knows that without music, I am not me, I cannot exist. And it is something that helps me tell anyone I meet, including you, who is reading the post. If your reason for not singing, is “I can’t sing”, “You would run away if I begin singing”, “I don’t have a good voice”, take it from someone who has come past it all. I would never have believed that it can ever come to me. That I, would actually not think my voice sounds weird. I never would have imagined my dad would be incredibly happy on having heard me, that my mom would be incredibly moved. There is this unshakable feeling in my head which tells me, music was always gonna be a part of me. 

I bought this poster a few weeks ago and it is just so apt!

In a similar way, I think this small thing has made me believe, that I am gonna learn Carnatic music for as long as it takes. And hopefully, just hopefully, the first day I have my own concert, when I actually sing niraval and Kalpana swaras, I don’t think I would ever hope for more. Ever. I didn't know I was even capable of feeling so much. But having felt it, I am just so so grateful and thankful that I have this with me. Finishing on a note where I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat.

 The brilliant part? I am at peace.