Phew!

There comes a time in your life when you finally discover that one thing that means the world, no, your life to you. It comes from somewhere so deep inside, it's intrinsic and you cannot imagine life without it. I'm at the cross-roads of such a feeling.

This application process can be a self-discovering/rediscovering process if you want it to be one. Rather, it invariably becomes one of that. For those of you to whom this is news, either you don't know me or you haven't met me in the last 6 months. 6 months. This is all I have thought about. Self doubt. Times of unruly excitement. Times of excessive panic.

It started off as a small thought. M.S. was always the plan, I entered this place thinking of it. But a Ph.D.? There was always the desire but then wishes generally remain just that, right? I assumed it must be the way I wanted to become a doctor. Just how I would say all my life, that I so wanted to become a neurosurgeon but I didn't think it was meant for me.

But apparently not. The dream of discovering something, had always been there. It wasn't meant to be a forgotten dream. I went ahead and took the step. Though I still do not dare say it, because I just can't get myself to believe it. And when I do, the look I get is usually this.

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But then again, came the good wishes too. Every time I told them that it's a little scary because it means so much to me, they would say that they really believe it will turn out well. It's not so much about them saying as much as it is about how much they meant what they said.

I don't know if I have done enough. It's that obvious feeling, the one when you are done, you wonder, if there was a better way of doing it all. But then I think, I gave it everything I had, everything that I could give. And I have a few people to thank who never let me give in or let it be. Those people who made sure I never went down the sad spiral. Those who bore each and every mail, edited my documents and essays more than what the time they devoted would justify. You know who you are and just how much I love you!

The past week has been so happy. The amount of happy I haven't been in the past 18 months, I think. I have already finished a book, played on the guitar every single day, sang a lot and told everyone who would listen to me that "I AM DONE!"

I don't know if it is because I think it will all work out. That it is always meant for the best. That I have finally taken the step that I have waited for, for the last 5 years almost, to study as much as I can. :)

The last 6 months have made me believe that I meant to do a Ph.D. Like I told a friend of mine, 10 years from now, I want to be in research. I don't care when I start. But that's what I wish to do in life. I don't know how long this fierceness will last. This determination. If it is just the age factor or something more.

I know that writing this makes it so much more real. People keep these things so hushed up. This is real. But again, if you don't jump, how would you learn to fly, right?

So I guess I am just going to have to wait and watch. :)