You're perfect

If you're a girl reading this, there has definitely been "one" day in your life when you have thought that every other girl looks better than you, dresses better than you, is thinner than you...you know, those self bashing days. Sure, guys have their corresponding days too with respect to other things but let's not get into that. Although I pretty much find it dumb to define yourself using such shallow characteristics, I have to confess, I am one of those females too. Someone who has those days a little more often than they need to be. I'll never believe that I can look pretty. Even if I am told by more than one person, people who I don't know who are bound to give me an honest opinion cuz otherwise they would give none. But I will still convince myself that it was just said to make me happy.

No, I am not writing this so that you can join in the bandwagon of convincing me otherwise.( I am pretty sure that some of you are gonna say "Who the hell told you you look pretty. You are a fat cow". You know who you are :P ) It's just that in an outing I had with a larger unknown group compared to the ones I usually hang out with, I happened to observe people in a different light altogether. You can broadly divide them into these.

Some who are the typical pretty girls, the kind the guys look out for..those who are very aware of that..and flaunt that even..

Others who know they can look prettier but choose not to but for certain occasions.

But there are three other kinds that intrigued me the most. Something I never really paid attention to in all my years.

Pretty females who don't know they are pretty.

And some who simply believe or maybe just don't care about it.

And others who look pretty when they're doing what they do best.

The last 3 intrigued me the most. Cuz there was no one I didn't identify as pretty at some point in time. How do you define pretty, beautiful at all? Being attractive? Well, that is the first thing that pops into your mind. Then how do we justify the last three? That's the thing. You as a person will always give someone else credit instead of giving yourself just because it doesn't satisfy the universal definition of pretty. I think the movies have spoiled that for us. They will always show the nerdy, not so fashionable girl as the slender,short skirt wearing heroine's side kick. And more often than not, you tend to relate with the side kick more than the heroine. You are made to believe that that someone will ever think of you as someone worth spending attention on is a dream that will never be fulfilled. This is a very sad thing cuz it is completely untrue.


You never wanted to be physically attractive. Maybe you did but it is more of a matter of wanting to be accepted, wanting to be a part of something. Maybe you think that being attractive helps you skip the first step but we tend to forget that that isn't the only step. Sometimes, it isn't even a step at all! But yet we want everyone else to validate us for our own selves. We want someone else to tell that we are wonderful. I think that is where the fault lies.

That time when you're doing what you love or what you do best, or when your natural instinct takes over, when you completely forget the image that you have built around yourself,  when it ceases to be the superficial you, THAT makes you pretty.

When you meet a friend after a long time, the delight that you see on their face on meeting you cuz they know how much they love you and likewise, that smile that appears on your face almost instantly, THAT  is being pretty.

Others who don't care. Way to go, people! Cuz you don't need someone to tell you you are awesome. You know you are. You may have times when you think otherwise but meh, you won't bother about that, would you? That confidence, that belief, THAT makes you pretty.

"Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" is universal when the first and the only beholder that matters to you is YOU yourself.

But girl, if all of this still doesn't convince you, don't worry. Remember all the times someone told you how they loved the small things about you. Those days when these feelings didn't creep up on you. One day, you'll be told that you're prettier than the hottest girl in town, you'll laugh unconvinced. One day you will be loved so much that being pretty won't matter to you. When you won't need to write/read something like this to convince yourself of the same. You'll realize that it was never about being pretty. It was always about being you, completely you. And when that happens, go look in the mirror.

You'll find the most beautiful person you've ever met staring right back at you. Content. Happy. As she was always supposed to be.

The art of letter writing

If you're someone who knows me decently well, you would know how much I appreciate words. How I would any day love a card with something written more than any other gift in the world. How I have every right to use the above title . :P

There is something absolutely wonderful about these words. Words that tell you how much you mean to someone. Words that tell you how much someone loves you. Words that try to bring back the old memories though the only way to is to relive the past. Words that try to mend a broken heart. Words that take your breath away. Words that surprise you to no extent. Words that try to compensate for your absence. Words that try to compensate for everything that you could not/may not have thought of. Words that will stay forever with you, in your heart, in your living memory.

I love letters. Especially the handwritten ones. They've got that old-school feeling, you know. That moment when your heart stops when you receive that letter. That moment when you start reading it not knowing where it is going. That spotting a smudged word on the paper cause by the tear of the person who wrote it. That change in the handwriting when it's something different that's written. That feeling of reaching the end after going through a whirl of emotions,incidents, memories. That moment when you see the person's face once you have read the letter. Or the next time you meet them. Something has changed. Both of you know it. But you probably won't speak of it. It's that unspoken agreement.

When I left the people who I love so much to start anew here (hmph! *stupid hyderabad* ) I wrote most of them one. I am not trying to boast here. But there are sooooo many who think writing a letter is for only those who have some sort of literary skills to show off. Not even close. It's about what you feel. That makes up for most of it. The moment your feelings jump out on the paper, the words by themselves arrange themselves into beautiful sentences,maybe a few, maybe so many more. Also, it actually takes guts to write what you feel on a paper. It isn't like saying them, one day you said it, next day its gone. It stays, forever. And probably that's why letters are that worthwhile as well. So that words that were once said and probably are forgotten can be remembered again.

I still remember one of my school classmates writing a letter to her dad who was in rehab for alcohol addiction. He apparently was a well read man unlike her mother and she would often ask for help to frame her sentences but she knew exactly what she wanted to say. And although I am someone who just can never bear grammatical errors, this girl's feelings and intent took me over and God, that probably made me realize how important letters can mean to people more than anything.

I find love letters oh-so-romantic. If I ever got one from someone I loved, I would probably jump through the roof, yeah, those pink teddy bears aren't really that endearing as those feelings that have transformed into that ink on that paper. If and when I ever have a boyfriend, I'm sure as hell gonna be flooding him with letters, each one different from the other and yet flowing with feeling. One of my friends showed me these wonderful set of love letters by Lemony Snicket, ohh I fell for those at that very moment(if only *sigh*)(if you wanna know what i meant http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/328189-i-will-love-you-as-a-thief-loves-a-gallery)  I am someone who is completely vulnerable when it comes to writing, I can't not write what I truly feel.

And trust me. The idea of a letter can just never go wrong. If you wanna say something and you write it to them, you can't exactly be interrupted while saying it right? Also, there can be no one who doesn't feel all gooey inside after reading an emotional letter. It changes perspective like crazy. Or maybe strengthens some of them. Try it once. It would be nice to hear a few stories about letter exchanging, Perfect thing for a mushy heart. :P 

Breaking the habit

            Yes, I know the linkin park song plays in your head the moment you see the title(No? where have you come from? ). But yes, it's difficult to break a habit. Any kind. Unless it involves succumbing to temptation or laziness. Depends really. I am seeing my blog after ages. Actually, I don't even remember when was the last time I sat and read some of my old posts and wonder "Damn! Did I actually write that?!" which I somehow did very often during the period of my last exam. (And you thought I was studying ) which reminds me, I really don't remember how much I scored in my last sem. If you had asked me that 3 months ago, pat would have come the answer.

And that's what I am talking about. Working, I tell you, changes perspectives in ways you can't even imagine. After rejoicing for 10 days about how much money has been credited to your account, the one and only concern that seems to top your list is how the hell did your bank balance reduce by xyz amount. xyz cuz the amount really doesn't have a lower limit but I can definitely say xyz << amount my flatmate has spent on setting up her @home like bedroom. :P You're thinking how to impress your manager in spite of not doing too much work ( still miserably failing at the "not doing" part), letting the weekend just pass away by sleeping like a hibernating bear, how to save taxes so that your monthly salary would increase by like 100rs,why, sometimes even about where you want to be 10 years down the line.

In this rut, we forget the small mundane things that used to give us the simplest possible joys, forget to remember people who we would meet everyday at one point of time, forget what life actually means to you. I know, this is the point where we are *supposed* to be responsible and think of our career and the greedy part of our brain starts calculating how you can have your very own penthouse by the time you're 30.

In that pursuit, we forget to address a major issue in our life. HOW TO LIVE. So,go ahead. Give yourself a break. Go and enjoy the rains out there instead of complaining how it gets you home so late from office. Immerse yourself in the songs you used to sing out loud instead of it being background music while you work. Pick up the dusty old guitar and play a few chords. Feel the familiarity rush in. The actual habit. As you try and break the "working" habit. :)

(P.S. I couldn't stand the fact that my blog hadn't been updated for three months. Funnily, I'm getting back to work at this very moment :-/  I have so much I want to write. Gonna try and practise what I preach :) )

An ode to my classmates

And its over. It is very weird when you realize it wasn't just your last exam followed by holidays to meet the same people again in the new class when the weather is just fine with a few light showers and comments flying around. I realized that I probably am seeing some people for the last time in my life but for a random chance that I actually meet them.

I still remember how I entered this college. Knowing absolutely no one in my class. Having to start afresh. The excessive chappad chappad which irked too many. That awkward moment when I really don't expect to make any friends at all, didn't think I was good enough. And soo fat, I shudder to even look at those pics, God knows how they let me dance on stage.

But those associations were meant to happen. Those musical sessions were meant to make us bond. I never never knew the joy of singing live with people who love the same kind of music as you. Never thought something as silly as Orkut or Yahoo chats (ya, those times gtalk was still new somewhat) would get me so much closer to the people who I absolutely can't think of leaving right now. It started off with small things like eating in class during the principal's lecture really, seemed such a big thing then, now I'm sure she knew all along and just ignored the moving jaws in our closed mouths. Opinions about each of them has changed so drastically, they're the same people who really can't stop me from talking right now, irrespective of whether they have a choice really. The people who have gone from saying I sound like a pig fart to actually sitting and listening to me sing.(Yes I mean you harsh! ) They who have done SO many special things for me. For having made me feel so so special every possible birthday, that was a first, yeah. With whom both times of joy and sorrow were spent alike and just the presence mattered so much. Who kept talking about how I really don't belong to class considering the amount of time I spend outside of class (That calls for another blog post which shall happen soon too) but if anything would ever happen to me, they would be the first ones to pitch in and do everything in their stride to save me. Those random times spent with each of them, it is just so special I really really can't put it in words, not over here at least. I love them so much for always being there, for letting me take them for granted, those who I had said I wouldn't mind dying for 4 years ago and that statement is valid even now. (As Srinath says, time to get out my poem writing machine and enter all their names to belt out a poem for this very occasion :D )


These 4 years have been magical. Nothing short of magical. And now suddenly I feel exposed. I no longer have my college walls to protect me. No longer people who will take me and accept me for who I am, why even love me for being that person. No longer will I wake up in the morning knowing I am lucky to have made such amazing crazy friends in my own class despite all their idiosyncrasies and not to mention, rather majorly mentioning my own. Years may pass by, all those promises of keeping touch might be forgotten by many but I want everyone of them to know that I will forever be indebted to them for shaping my life to be what it is right now and I will always love them for having given me the most wonderful four years of my life.

Love, etc

Emotions are overrated they say. Love is overrated they say but its hardly so. We all struggle, our whole lives even, trying to find a purpose of our living..some of us make living for the people around us a purpose..and times when we're being ourselves,stupid, reckless,not knowing who we are,where exactly we are going, just sitting around letting life take its course,even though you may not know,perhaps you'll never realize,you would have been the purpose of someone else's life....someone who you would have taken for granted time and again...and you don't realize how much it matters until its gone..

I'm starting to analyze my life all over again. I've been living my life in phases,different phases with different people. It is all magical when it starts, all so natural, so effortless with promises of not letting it remain a phase; least of all a forgotten one. But beyond a point it takes so much of an effort to keep up with someone you love, the ease of it somehow lost in the midst of so many others that you may have met. Those feelings for the first ones hasn't gone really. It can't go. Emotions can't be lost like a pair of car keys, can they? It's just locked away in some part of your heart. But once it's gone it doesn't take more than a similar experience to unlock it all over again. But the awkwardness, the knowing what it was, knowing what it has become, knowing this is all but a futile effort save for a bleak ray of hope, THAT makes it difficult. You know you love the person but the amount of passion with which you did when it started seems so far away..How much you convince yourself that its the one thing you need to survive and how much of an effort you make to not let go of it when clearly at times there is nothing left to save. Will you still remember the unbelievable connection you both had or will you just let it hide behind the big wall of indifference that you have built in front of you?

It is so difficult to love one person forever. It is only a matter of time and situation that all the bad things about them stare right into your face. You forget all the good things that made you fall in love with them in the first place, those that never even let their faults come close to your sight forget your knowledge in the beginning. Don't tell me I am all wrong. It all takes effort, effort to hold on to the good times in spite of however bad a time you may be passing through.

Talking about bad times. The whole thing about being there for someone. Do you really mean it when you say you'll be there for someone whenever they need you? Maybe you do. But will you make sure that your said word is kept? Really difficult. Its so weird when you realize that all the promises made to you have always been empty and its that temporary pleasure, that moment then and there that matters when they actually say they'll be there for you. It's weird how forever usually means as long as the two of you find it convenient to "actually be there" for the other person. This love I tell you. It's weird. Sometimes you love a person so much it really doesn't matter beyond a point if they are there for you or if they even love you back or even make an effort to acknowledge your love. You just love. You're always there. Always make that special effort without even intending to. The very aspect of hanging around for someone for so long. Too romanticized it may seem but knowing me, I'm sure I'm gonna end up doing that.

And I'm not just talking about the "being in love" love. All kinds. Every relationship that you may have seen or have been a part of. Sometimes its as though this is what your life is all about and a career is just to sustain something like this. Sometimes you just build your life around the people who you love or who you assume/take for granted love you back. It is sometimes weird how dependency gives rise to love and vice versa. How much we want to be loved. How much we think that  it gives a purpose to our lives. Even if you feel worthless otherwise, nothing like knowing that someone somewhere cares about you and wants you to be happy is enough to inspire you to do something better. The one thing you think you need to survive and you really don't ever understand it all. Maybe that's the trick..The mystery keeps it up.

We probably will never know why we are here. Probably never know why some things happen only to us. Probably regret the position we put ourselves in at certain times or be happy that we did something for someone else despite what we feel. But we will continue to survive. And this love that I'm talking about, however bittersweet it may be, hopefully would be one of the reasons why life would no longer need to be survived but lived.

(For those of you wondering what triggered off such a post, it is this book called "One day" by David Nicholls that Ashmita suggested I read and what a wonderfully woven story it turned out to be. DO give it a read if you're in that typical mood as I am in right now)

Missing Mumbai

*This is the article I wrote for Insignia 2011*

It is coincidental that this time the theme of this magazine is Mumbai. Exactly at the juncture where I'm in the perfect mood to reminisce about the place that has been my home and that shall always be my home; when I am about to say goodbye to this place to start the next leg of my journey.

Of course, the word journey has to bring local trains to my head. Rightly called the lifeline of this place, despite all the unwanted body massages you invariably are treated to during rush hours, the adventure of getting into a Virar local to get down at Andheri is something only we can boast of. There is something about the Mumbai trains that only Mumbaikars can perceive, make sense of, interpret and understand. Invariably, it is one form of transport 'in Mumbai' that will never disappoint you. The emphasis is meant to be, the local trains in Hyderabad are weird, they come once in 15 minutes, you find men in the ladies compartment and they don’t have cool abbreviations for stations! How most of us spend half our lives travelling in a train and how it just becomes a part of your life! Try asking any Mumbaikar if they can imagine a life without trains, the answer is going to be a resounding no.

I have travelled a major part of my life by bus as well. Travelling by bus is amazing I tell you, especially if it is a long distance ride. If you have earphones, there is nothing that can stop that bus ride from becoming heaven*. *Not applicable if you are standing squished between sweaty people in the middle of the bus or if you get a seat with either a really fat aunty next to you, or worse, with a screaming kid in her hands* Nevertheless, I will still miss the good ol’ BEST bus more than (rather not!) the ill willing rickshaw walas who wish to earn as much as an average engineer would after 4 years of struggle and think it is their birth right to refuse anyone a ride.

If there is yet another thing I really am going to miss it’s the coastlines. They are some of the best places to hang around without having so much as a second thought, be it Juhu beach or Bandstand or Carter Road or Marine Drive. Why, in the so called vacation that we had, my friend even sat on the beach and sketched the scenery for her portfolio while we were lolling around. After living in a place where I could walk to a beach, to be surrounded by land on all sides doesn’t feel too good. And it’s always been a dream to sit on Marine Drive at 12 in the night, something I’m not too sure I’ll be allowed to do over here, yet.

Roadside chaat, from a time when I wasn’t allowed to go near it to a time where I eat whenever I get a chance, this is one favourite I won’t have access to once I leave this place. The sukha puri at the end of Pani puri, how much ever you know inside of your heart that that cold paani is the result of some piece of ice dragged through the dusty road, it doesn’t stop you from saying “Ek aur pani puri, bhaiyya!” Same thing about the golas too, it’s the joy of eating something that is not ideal and something so accessible that makes it all the more tempting.
 

And how can I forget?! The monsoons! The ones where the fresh fragrance of wet mud is the unmistakable awaited first sign. That feeling of relief that they have finally arrived. The ones where none of my umbrellas remained unbroken for more than half a monsoon; or maybe less. The ones which inspired me to write so many of the prose/poetry that I can boast of today. The rains I loved to get wet in whilst singing not bothering about the onlookers. I agree this is a romantic view ignoring the various other hindrances particular to the monsoon season but then if I’m leaving this place, I’m going to miss the good parts of everything, right?

One thing common to all of what I’ve mentioned is the familiarity about them. The warm fuzzy feeling when you think about them. Knowing people around me, the idiosyncrasies of the weather, knowing the way to places in the city instinctively, walking on roads that have been treaded on so often, memories of the best times of my life that come rushing to me while I travel, so many things that I may or may not have realized in my life over here that I shall miss when I’m not here any longer. It is something you are never going to be fully satisfied with but make the most of it as long as you’re here. Signing off with a thought that I shall be filled with in the time to come.

“I recognize none of what I see,

 blank walls and bright cars all around me,

where is the warmth I once knew,

 the smile that would be born by just the mention.

 Those days will never come back again,

nostalgic I will be, but with equal amount of pain

 and joy in remembering the place I once knew,

the place I will always know as home.”

Forever Alone *Maybe Not*

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is a long time since a movie made me this emotional. Or maybe again its the time, the fact that I've been thinking about this so often nowadays and this movie comes and emphasizes exactly what I feel.

Memories are soooo important. The reason I survive. Or anyone survives. I remember things exactly the way they happened and remember every conversation word by word and every background is etched in my brain. I just need to think and I'm back in the place. So many things that have happened that have had so much significance in my life. Every word that was said to me, every emotion that was not even spoken yet was conveyed. Every word that made me feel wanted and loved in an otherwise alone world. Now when I leave, I cannot imagine surviving the rest of my life without these. At any point, I just have to close my eyes and relive even if not happy but that time of my life when I felt I am just so perfectly satisfied and I have no qualms at all. It matters so much that you tell people what you feel, how much you love them and not just keep saying that in your head. It matters so much that you give people a chance to love you and know you like never before. It matters so much that you might not have anything of what you wanted but what you did get is so precious that it becomes the main reason of your living.

Keep doing everything possible to hold on to these. These are that will help you pass through. They will make you cry, yeah, but that's what keeps you from turning into a stone. Every single thing that has ever touched you, keep it close, close to your heart, never let it go. Let the bitterness fade away but the good ones, those have to stay. Write it down, save it somewhere if you must and go find it on a rainy day, nothing like those memories to take you back. Or maybe I'm a little hopeless that way, lost in the past perennially in spite of living in the present. Call me romantic, call me crazy but then we all need that madness to survive. I think I am too sleepy and sounding high without actually being high so I'm gonna take your leave with deep thoughts running in my head.

Rambling for the world to know

Somehow I have forgotten what blogging was all about. I had suddenly made it into a bunch of essays I write only when there is something significant to write. Maybe its the sudden rise in number of readers, maybe that made me conscious.

 About having to appear perfect. That's what we all end up doing, don't we? When we realize we are being watched, we are being judged, we close ourselves to the world. Close ourselves to the people we know. Struggle not to do it with people who we really wish to know who we really are.

Not really expressing what you actually feel.

Not really loving who you really love.

Not really letting go of stuff you should have a very long time ago.

Not really doing what makes you feel like a Helium balloon.

Now I know. I have always known. But it is always easier said than done.

It's never about what people think of you or talk of you. It's never about the amount of time you spend with people. It is about being who you want to be. Being happy as you feel right. Dancing on the road even if a thousand people are watching you. Singing loud and clear even if you're clearly off key. Don't change yourself for the world. The world was never meant to be there for you. If you start taking up all of the worries that exist, there will be no "You" left to live.

Stop looking around. The ones who want you are there. The ones you want may not always be. But the former will always make up for the latter. Cuz you were there for them. Or so you would hope.

It is ok even if that isn't there. You can always make up for the absence of anyone. I have realized it is difficult to get bored if you really didn't want to. That's saying something when you don't even need money for it.


Be "You". Be yourself. Because in the end, you're the only one you can rely on, forever and for always.

"And she rambles on,

for the world to know,

she tramples on hurt deflated egos,

as she has none of her own."

Unfamiliar Closures

I recognize none of what I see,

blank walls and bright cars all around me,

where is the warmth I once knew,

the smile that would be born by just the mention.         

The people seem alien, 

no comforting face to see, 

the calmness of familiarity lost,

that sense of belonging too far to even feel.            

Each day passes by, 

as though it never existed in the first place,        

listless is what I feel,away,

away from the place I can call my own.                                           

Slowly forgetting what meant most to me,

slowly unwinding to reach the shallowness of a feeling that had once filled the whole of me,  
slowly withdrawing from the surroundings that defined me,

slowly becoming one with a place that remains anonymous to me.

Cant distinguish dreams from reality no more, 

just when I start to think I'm back again, 

to the place where I feel alive like no other, 

I fall back right into the place,

the place where I never belonged at all.       

My heart yearns,my fingers clutch on 

to the so so far away dream,                 

that even a dream exists is something to live by.                     

Those days will never come back again, 

nostalgic I will be, but with an equal amount of pain

and joy in remembering the place I once knew,

the place I will always know as home.

The end or the beginning

                               Last day. Seems very significant this year , a year full of lasts. Still hasn't sunk in really. No, I don't mean the apocalypse. When I went to Mood-I the realization came but didn't last too long. Role reversal been happening for quite some time. It seems its not only me who is realizing its the last. Its both saddening and heartening to know when juniors tell me they'll miss me. I'll actually miss being around the youngsters too. But well, all that will come in a later post which I'll probably write while weeping.(I'm mentioning this too often!)


Anyway, IV is missed big time. The excitement of being with 200 odd students, (this time with IEEE being 300! ) and knowing most of them would have been a nice thing. Hopefully the hyped BE trip will compensate for me missing this one. But its ok, I think I made the most of the last year's IV and that will always be memorable. But one has to slowly let go of things when the time comes.

This year has been an eventful one although that word doesn't encompass everything that happened in the year. Right from the internship to the GRE to the job to everyone else's job and universities too, its been one eventful year, yeah.

Yep, its the usual New Year's post. The one post that will always be a part of January. Adding to the number of posts I've already posted if nothing at all.It's funny to see the post I wrote for New Year's 2 years ago. I talk about applying for MIT. And mind you, I was dead serious. Now, I have a job which will take care of my living for 2 years and then I'll go pursue my dreams. And I hope it remains a dream and I do pursue it. Hope resurfaces again.

I did reach 50 posts before the end of 4th yr, so yay! and I hope to reach 100 posts pretty soon, dunno how soon that is gonna be. I did wonder if I should give up the blog at the end of my undergraduate degree. Like a proper farewell. But nah, I know I'm gonna be a student again. I'll let that thought stick in my head. And that would mean more writing. Actually the new place should make me write, maybe more serious posts, lets see about that.

And I can't wait for my birthday, the very last one over here, I'm sure its gonna be awesome or I think people are just gonna end up at my place like we have done on every other birthday.

Anyway, 2012 is one important year for me. Things are gonna change big time, I'm optimistic enough to think for the good.

Here's wishing you all a very happy new year. :) May there be loads to look forward to. See you on the other side of 2011 then. :)