The better alternate universe

I couldn't possibly not write about this. Ironically, a week ago, I couldn't even explain it. I didn't have words. It is just that crazy. I still remember that moment. That moment I was so scared of for the past few days. My heart raced and I could feel it beating hard and loud. I thought something is going to give up on me. But when it came, all I did was close my eyes. Or look down. It didn't matter. Because only one thing was running in my head. And in that moment, I forgot everything else. It was mine. Mine, all along. As though, everything else insignificant, unimportant was shifted to some place I couldn't recognize, to be completely consumed by one wholesome feeling. Overwhelmed I was. I never believed I was capable of it. You look like a guy, they said. You sound like a guy, they said. That that very thing might make you sound so different and unexpected, they never said. But my mom did. If not for her, I don’t think I would be here, talking about this at all. And my two teachers, without them, I don’t think I would ever have reached for the skies like I did.

All I could think of, were the words that were coming out of my mouth. I didn't even realize where I was, what I was doing. There wasn't even the possibility of thinking of anything else. That music had taken me into it. Damn, this feeling, I can’t shake it off. That hour before, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I don’t really know what else to say. That day, I remembered the first ever concert I had attended. I remembered being in that moment, with the people who sang, with the people who played and the smiles adorning their faces. I had just begun to learn music again then. I even wrote a whole post about it. And now when I go back and read, I feel blessed, to have ever felt this feeling, even once. I feel grateful again, that I am actually able to learn this art, to be a minuscule part of it, as much as every living cell in my body knows that without music, I am not me, I cannot exist. And it is something that helps me tell anyone I meet, including you, who is reading the post. If your reason for not singing, is “I can’t sing”, “You would run away if I begin singing”, “I don’t have a good voice”, take it from someone who has come past it all. I would never have believed that it can ever come to me. That I, would actually not think my voice sounds weird. I never would have imagined my dad would be incredibly happy on having heard me, that my mom would be incredibly moved. There is this unshakable feeling in my head which tells me, music was always gonna be a part of me. 

I bought this poster a few weeks ago and it is just so apt!

In a similar way, I think this small thing has made me believe, that I am gonna learn Carnatic music for as long as it takes. And hopefully, just hopefully, the first day I have my own concert, when I actually sing niraval and Kalpana swaras, I don’t think I would ever hope for more. Ever. I didn't know I was even capable of feeling so much. But having felt it, I am just so so grateful and thankful that I have this with me. Finishing on a note where I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat.

 The brilliant part? I am at peace. 

A magical feeling

They enter this really fancy restaurant. One of the best in the city. She is dressed for the occasion; the kohl in her eyes more accentuated than usual, a slight hint of lip gloss and those lips that seem like they could break into a smile at any moment. She is wearing the most magnificent dress she has ever owned. It is a special occasion, of course. She sees one of those thinner women pass by, those that made her feel not too good way too long ago, a feeling she barely remembers now. She starts adjusting her dress trying to hide her inconsistencies, still unconscious of her actions, lost in her awe of the place. She feels a tug at her arm. She turns, only to find him mouthing the words "Do you know how beautiful you look tonight?" The smile travels from her heart right up to her face and she walks past, noticing only then, how the people around hadn't stopped staring at all.

He has no idea what she has in store for him. It feels like a typical dinner to him, something they did often enough. She stands up, not answering the curiosity that is his eyes. She goes right to the pianist who is playing Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'. She had known this was a restaurant that had a pianist playing and it was partly the reason why she chose this place. She wants to jump with joy at the sight of the grand piano but what she wore and what she intended doing, requires elegance. She recognizes what he plays, smiles her signature smile and whispers something in his ear. The pianist smiles while he slowly ends the song. She looks at her beloved, blows him a kiss, so graceful that all the Miss Worlds would be put to shame. She and the pianist exchange a look and she begins to sing.

"The first time.... ever I saw your face"

The expression on his face changes instantly. He already knows what he is going to say to her when they go home. He continues to listen, his eyes not for one moment, away from her.

"The first time..... ever I kissed your mouth..... I felt the earth move in my haaa ....and".

She relives the moment as she enunciates each word. She wants to laugh, the earth had indeed felt like it was moving, though beneath her feet. She was in a daze that night. They both had felt that feeling for too long. It was just waiting to happen. That perfect moment she wouldn't give away for anything. That hesitation. That anticipation. And then that overwhelming feeling that finally burst at the seams, giving way to something so beautiful, something so precious.

He hasn't forgotten that either. He still remembers the first time he met her. How he fell in love with her constant chatter. With her voice. With her kindness. She brought hope to his hopeless life. She brought life into his lifelessness. She brought just so much happiness. She came with an amount of love that is unfathomable in a human being.

""...ever I lay with you, I felt your heart so close to miii...ine..."

It was a party at a friend's place. A crazy one at that. She had come out to stand, a little buzzed, that peaceful happiness because it was that beautiful a night. He came out too, with a coke and whiskey in hand. The wind was cool and blowing against her face. She closed her eyes to feel all that nothingness. The peace in being alone. He didn't interrupt her. She heard his footsteps. Usually, she would want to enjoy this moment by herself. But today, she somehow didn't mind his presence. She slowly turned to look at him and smiled. They could still hear the music from inside the house. She looked up and then at him and said "My dad once told me how the Big Dipper rotates clockwise about the North Star." He smiled and said "Anti-clockwise" Her immediate reaction was to oppose it but instead, she said "Let's wait and check, shall we?" The alcohol had begun to hit her a little, or maybe it was sleep, but she sure was surprised that he knew enough to comment at all. They lay down on the grass, which they might not have on another day. And they spoke for so long, it felt as though time had stretched itself to let them feel the depth of it all. He suddenly pointed upwards, "You see, it just moved to the left of the North Star. I told you." He had a smile on his face, not the smug kind but the self-satisfactory one, of having been proved right. She chuckled. She wasn't the kind to mind being proved wrong, in fact, she appreciated it. She stood up and dusted the back of her dress, "Let's go back in?" He was surprised, a little disappointed at the sudden dismissal, the sudden end to their seemingly unending conversation. He hid his disappointment, looking down while getting on his feet "Yeah, I guess". He had already decided, he had to get to know this girl a little more. Little did he know, at that moment, she was thinking the very same thing.

And they both are back to the present. She still can't believe she is indeed standing here. Singing to him. The song that she has wished to sing for so long. She wishes she could explain to him just how much she loves him. How he brings out the best in her. How his presence is all she needs to forget that an entity called sadness even exists.

"Your face... your face"

He takes a few steps towards her. He doesn't know if he wants to let her finish or catch her unawares in an embrace. He decides to wait, still mesmerized in her voice. She finishes singing the last note to that song and before she can even turn to look at him, he already has her in his arms, while she feels his face against her own. She phases in, to hear people applauding and she breaks away from him to thank the pianist.

"You can never wait, can you?"
"Didn't I wait too long already?"

They laugh and the camaraderie they share is impossible to not want for yourself.

The pianist by then, had moved on to Unchained Melody. He holds out his hand with a question on his face.  She grins, "Could I ever say no to you?".

She places her hand on his shoulder, his hand around her waist. And they dance away, moving slowly to the song, to their own rhythm, in their own world, while the rest watch on.

Author's note:
I had gone to watch X-Men a few days ago. The first of the series that I have ever watched. Besides loving the movie and falling in love with the younger Charles Xavier *sigh*, this song brought back the intimacy and emotion that it is. I had first heard this two years ago and fallen head over heels, I could not believe a song could be this beautiful. And with my emotional upheaval in the past few days, I think this had to happen. I really really love that I managed to write this. It has made me so happy. Maybe, it is too good to be true, but indulging in something once in a while ain't too bad, is it? And I hope, one day, I too shall sing this to my beloved. :)

Sex And The City

That's what we called ourselves. Weirdly, only two of us being the faithful fans, me who lost interest within the first season (that too was a lot, I think it lasted because of Namrata's influence) and Ashwini who still has no clue about the show at all. Of course, a year ago, I would have cringed to be referred to as that, just as much as I cringed about taking selfies and clicking photographs wherever we go, but I guess I have come to love them after all. Because it wasn't about references. It was about the people I had come to love. It was just a way of identifying ourselves and never the identity by itself. The feeling of knowing I belonged somewhere. We came from different places, struggling to find our place here, honestly not knowing how to go about life and waiting for the day we could get rid of this place. The four of us being brought together, was light at the end of a dark tunnel. For each of us. In one way or the other, this group made us believe that life as we knew it in Hyderabad (dead), had ended. This city didn't suck anymore. And it's because of them.

There is something about having girlfriends. The last time I had them, they were just about the only friends I had ever had in my life. They're the ones you need, the only ones to whom you can show your vulnerable side, the side that you judge yourself about, the one where you want to cry, not because you're a stupid girl but because, to be strong to everyone else, you need to be able to tell someone it's not easy. Those to whom when you tell how you felt when someone hurt you, they go “I know!” and you know they know it; and for once you are thankful you aren’t screaming your lungs out or giving up on trying to explain it. Where hugs came whenever it was needed, without even the mention of needing one. Where hugs were demanded too and they came the same way. If I could only explain how big a deal that is.

I'm not the kind who commands attention, forget asking for it. You won't find me making subtle (or not-so-subtle as so many I wish would realize) gestures to something I want someone to ask me about. I keep waiting until I am disappointed, as usual. But these girls, they filled me with love and over-the-top attention, jumping to my rescue the moment there was even a hint of disappointment about anything. There was this one time, where we made a sudden plan to go to 10D and I wasn’t wearing quite the appropriate clothes for the place. Usually, I would act as though it doesn’t matter but in my own head, feel bad about not looking as good as the ones around me. But these girls, Oh God, put me before themselves, gave me a dress to wear, put make-up on me (needless to say, something that I know freakishly too less about) and made me look just so good. The thing is, it isn’t even about dressing up. It is the fact that ‘they’ make you want to feel so good about yourself. I think for the first time ever in my life, and I mean it, I realized I no longer have an inferiority complex about myself, about the way I look. And I owe a lot of it to these girls. Honestly, I still have my days ( most of them really :P) where I’m wearing my loosest possible Beatles T-shirt, earphones plugged in and walking around like a duck in my worn out blue Nike chappals ( those that Eshita absolutely detests and has been waiting for the moment to throw away :P), but I’m sure when I say I have come a long way and I’m a lot more Preetish* about it, they agree. :)

Of course, all of our night-outs, the breakfasts after, those times when things were said without having to think twice, all those confessions, interventions, the most embarrassing stories and to laugh at them within ourselves( yes, yes, you can give up on raising your hand now!). The compliments I get from my girls does more than its worth of share, who the hell needs a boyfriend for that! And that we manage to paint a very very boring town red, I believe, is an achievement in itself.

This was such a lovely place, and such an awesome lunch :)

They never let me feel left out ever. I never had to try to fit in. There was never the dearth of love. They made me feel important even though it probably wasn't my time to feel so. This Thursday was amazing in more ways than one. It had the one thing that all four of us love, karaoke. There was just so much happiness. And I knew in that moment, when Namrao entered and we were all hugging and being all excited, singing those songs; that they would always be there for me, despite all my weirdness, those with whom I can be free, to take care of me when I'm down, to assure me that life would always get better and to never give up on me irrespective of what happens.

Few things come to my mind when I think about them. Ashwini's face with her crinkled up nose when she is so happy when her favourite song turns up. Eshita, with all of her innocence and sweetness and yet all that threatening you never knew she had in her, and yet all that caring you would die for. And of course Namrata, it doesn't matter that you are stinky and sleepy, you have to put that liner and lipstick on when she hands it to you, no questions asked.

Today, Ashwini left Hyderabad to follow her dreams; and there was a void that was suddenly created. The three of us were looking so awkwardly at each other, feeling the same thing. But we had always known this moment was coming. Where each of us would leave to follow our respective paths and dreams. That we spent so much time together and made it worth all that while, is what matters. Be it dancing (or should I say twerking :P) to Scream and Shout, discussing GRE words, fake Christmas, dressed up lunches or even making a failed outing into an awesome party at home with disco lights using the flash of a phone, we have done it all. For me, it has been one of the most special inexplicable bonds ever. I love you girls just so much. I can already see us in the future, meeting over lunch, obviously dressed well( do you believe I just said that?! :D) and talking about our husbands, kids, work and life that would be then. Until then, SATC shall be remembered fondly, and to which I dedicate this song in memory of all our 10D visits.

*Preetish - Defined as the level of excitement that only Preeti Ramaraj has ever been capable of displaying, irrespective of whatever it may be. Did I get it right? :)

Until the last moment

I thought I wasn't going to write about this. For multiple reasons. But then, just when I entered the lift of my building, after the crazy Bangalore trip, 'Renegade' started playing. And I was taken to another world, nothing out of the ordinary considering the volume at which it was playing on my earphones.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I just saw these people, in their flesh. I heard them play all those songs that I know, moment by moment, sound by sound. I remembered how I felt when they began playing, I could not believe I was sitting there. I had tears beginning to form in my eyes with every song that he played. Because I realized just how much those songs meant to me. I looked at all the members, the videos of whom I have grown up with, capturing every moment in my head, telling myself, this is something I never believed would happen. Honestly. We laughed, we cried, we swayed, we were lost, we screamed and boy, did we shout. Those whorl of emotions. My God.

It reminded me of a time when I was 7-8 years old. My dad would leave for office at 8.30 a.m. And he would be busy doing his daily pooja and other such rituals. The moment it struck 8 and he was finished with those, he used to play a few songs on the audio system while having breakfast. Loud. And 'Love is all' was one of them. Every day. My sister and I knew the words to the song only because of that. And we would sing it, everyday, along with him, never getting bored. And our mom would look on, smiling, going about her work. There was actually a lady in the opposite building who identified us as the family from whose house she could hear this everyday. :P

To have been able to watch this along with those very people, with whom you discovered each of these songs, just how much it moves you, to have been even present in that moment, God, I always thought it not possible. But it was. A dream come true. And I only hope that this is the beginning of many things to come. An out-of-the-world experience indeed :)

In the backyard

The place where it all began :)

In the natural darkness,

Not split by anything unknown to nature,

There are sounds, and there are shadows,

Shadows of the trees, that have been here all their life,

Rustling away in glory,

And yet that unprecedented silence.

Wait, I can hear nothing,

And when I think that is going to be it,

A cool wind touches my face,

Graces my hair,

And goes away without leaving a trace,

Or maybe it just did,

A memory of something that was 

Momentarily wanted, felt and dismissed off.

And then there is a feeling,

Of thoughts rushing to my head,

And then the one, of me pushing it away,

Because the emptiness that is lacking everywhere else,

The place where you as an individual do not matter,

Hardly would you find it,

And when you do, mustn't you appreciate it as a whole?

Feel yourself as the only one and no one at all.

Feel alive and away from all that you must do, all that is expected of you.

You want to be free from 

Feeling, thinking, knowing, being, wondering, living, dying.

This is but a pause,

A much needed pause,

Before it feels misused,

Or overused,

To realize the insignificance yet the urgency of it all.

To believe in the existence of human as a being as well as the one trained to be manipulative like a machine.

Let it drown you,

Let it flow through you,

Breathe in and breathe out,

And stop letting this screen that is helping you write mess with the nothingness,

After all, haven't we entered this world with nothing?

And when it feels most natural,

Absorb it,

Until you have to get back, to the lacking world with artificial lights et al.

All you have to do, is be.

The southern stream

The winds have started , the birds have flown,

A very long way, away from home,

Each mile they cover, towards the south,

There is a burst of happiness, without a doubt.

Closer to their destination, they get with each mile, 

Leaving the cold bad world behind,

Of course, it is only until the end of winter, they know,

In absolutely no time, they will be back home.

Or so they hope, with that thought in mind,

As they look toward the deep blue skies,

The wind that brings that familiar feeling from the hearth,

Lost for a moment, but they settle right back on their path.

They follow that pattern, off they go,

To a place they dream of, for as long as they know, 

Enjoying the gust carrying them above the sea,

It's not much longer until they are where they need to be.

And there it is in sight, lo and behold,

The ecstasy of the first sight, that can't remain untold,

Of those storms they have weathered, of the hurricanes they have fought,

They are but distant memories, are they not?

The birds, they settle down, their wings at peace,

Of having reached right at the peak of spring,

So much to rejoice, so much to love,

It almost feels like a sign sent from above.

It won't be long before they hear that call,

That yearning ache to go back to where they belong,

But for now, they are here, to sojourn in the land of their dreams,

Oh those birds, flying towards the southern stream.

Why being a workaholic saved me

"The alarm rings out loud. The starting riff of  'Am I evil', enough to wake the buzzing daylights out of anyone in a deep slumber. It's barely been 5 hours since she entered the house. But that's hardly on her mind. She just woke up from a dream that she knew had her thinking she was sitting right next to an old friend of hers and laughing , followed by a dream involving her writing tags, pressing F5, adjusting margins,pressing  f5 and then that sense of satisfaction. Her mind immediately wants to start thinking about how to solve that bloody problem that just won't show up, but she needs a cup of tea. With a song playing in her head, she goes on. She walks all the way lost in the music that's playing . That's her time.

When she is at lunch, she remembers the debugging dream and as much as she complains to her friend that this job seems to be haunting her, a small part of her feels proud, and comfortable in the knowledge. Her afternoon just passes by filled with frustration, ideas, people, Yes-got-it-please-work-damn-it-screw-you moments and then she just takes the break. Only that cross-trainer would understand how she wants to get rid of all that negative feeling that she has been keeping at bay throughout the day.

She begins again after dinner. The ideal time. With no one around, her legs on the desk, and unintelligible music playing in her ears, she begins yet again, with the feeling of excitement to tackle something new, something she has no idea about, that thing that drives her to arrive at work each morning. At 2, she knows, that's it. Tired but knowing she did her day's worth. She slowly unlocks the door, goes to her room, picks the guitar, starts playing the chords and reminds herself, how she needs to practise so much more. That sound gives her peace. In 7 hours, a moment of epiphany shall occur. Until then, she has ascended into another realm, another feeling, another day."

I wrote this inspired by this post and encouraged by the author because what I feel is exactly opposite of what she wrote. :) 

Here's me. The workaholic. The person to whom suggestions of making arrangements to sleep in office itself aren't unusual. Someone whose life has revolved around her work and how much more she could do. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. It is a boon and a curse bound together. Believe me, it can get tiring. As proud as you might feel while saying  "I don't have a life" (Jeez, does anyone even feel proud to say that? :-| ), some days you just wish you did. Sometimes you just want to let go, you wish you weren't that feminist can-stand-on-her-feet woman, you just want to give in to the thought "Who cares?", you want to give up that excruciating want to excel at this, that strife against wanting to stay back at work. 

Boon, because it helps me reach the point where I can be the best at it, where I have to be the best at it, by compensating the lack of skill with effort. And I am not ashamed of it. I truly admire people who are better than me and competing with them is something of a mental exercise to me. Yet I strive, aim to be the best.

I have my good moments too. When my father proudly tells his colleague, how my work hours are exactly like his during his younger days. When I know I have done much more than what was expected of me. When someone tells me that. The feeling of independence, of living my hours the way I want to. That pretentious sense of importance, that choice of going crazy about something. That feeling of achievement with EVERY small thing I manage to implement, every problem I manage to solve. Those hours when I didn't feel horribly lonely or unattractive, that smug feeling I successfully manage to hide under the layer of humility when the second person admires the way I am wired. That feeling that there is so much more to learn, so many people to meet, so many peers to admire, so many levels to aspire for. It's plain intoxicating. ( Like the smell of that coffee my roommate made today *sigh* )

There are days I wonder, whether this is my escape route. Away from unpredictable emotions and people. Funnily, only two days ago, Satya Nadella, our new CEO called himself a learner, where he takes up more courses than he can complete, buys more books than he can manage to read. That made me like him a little bit, relate to him a little bit. (This is despite the fact that I miss SteveB as the CEO. :( ) 

And I realized, it is ok to be a little crazy. You don't "need" a work-life balance. You will learn to accommodate new things and people in your life as and when they arrive. You will go take a break and probably not work for the longest time when you just don't want to. And believe me, I have done that and that's probably one of the few things I love about myself. But until then, I think I am going to make the most of my workaholic self. Make this life about me for as long as I can do it. And the lyrics that pop right into my mind are these :D 

"Here I am, rock you like a hurricane"

(Though the complete lyrics don't quite seem relevant to what I am trying to say, go ahead and enjoy the song. :P)

The year of hope

It's the beginning of a new year. It's everything and nothing like the ones that have passed before. For me, this new year was different. It was supposed to be my great escape. It was ushered in the midst of my favourite music. Ushered in the presence of merry people on the road. Ushered in with every possible hope and wish I could ever think of.

2013 was quite the year. It was a year of hard-hitting facts coupled with those unbelievably good moments. New friends were made. Close friends were made. Deepest secrets were shared. Found people I could completely relate to. Found people who I could crib to and get honest reassurances about how things always turn out good and vice-versa. Found those who would always encourage me. Saw the goodness in people when they wish for you to succeed. Those few thankful moments. Saw the highest highs and the lowest lows of everything that could be. Realized how much I have changed or rather adapted to this kind of living, a little bit of cynicism, a little bit of unrealistic wishes. Actually let go and had fun a few times, those few times I refused to think too much and the time that brought out the happy, impressive side of me. A bitter-sweet year on a whole but a year that is going to play a huge role, in how I look at life from now onward, I guess.

So, enough of that gloominess. Weirdly, I do have a few resolutions for this year.

•  To not panic and go crazy. Which I realize I do way WAYYY too much when it comes to my own things. I have got to learn to train the calm me, that helps other people, to work for me too. 
• To not over-think things ( Haha, she hopes, my head says to me). 
• To be a little adventurous. 
• Experience life in a way that I live every moment just for that moment. 
• Not feel guilty about letting go and being myself once in a while
• Taking things as they come is probably the best advice I have gotten and something that I seem to be putting to use.

This year is truly the year of hope. A few for whom it has already turned into reality, that happiness I felt knew no bounds, to begin a year with good news feels like a sign. A few, who like me, are awaiting their turn, and I hope that it works out perfectly for them too. It is a year of anticipation, a year of anxiety, a year of dreaming and living through each day with that one thought in your mind. I think my next new year's post shall have quite an account of how things turned out.

On that note, I wish you a very wonderful new year and I truly hope that your deepest wishes come true. :)

And I shall leave you with this lovely song. :)

"It's hard to get by just upon a smile, girl"