Before the high wears off

It's not the end of the semester. Hell, it is not even close. But well, I just got done with both my midterms today! I'm listening to Pearl Jam while writing this before people start discussing the midterm and I figure all the places I made stupid mistakes in. I just want to enjoy today and kinda think about the time that has been the last two months. I am finally here. Living my dream. After all of that crying, waiting, hoping ( du du du du du .. sorry, that song just came right up) for way way too long. I don't think I really believed it until my plane was about to land at Detroit and I almost wished it didn't because suddenly it was way too overwhelming with my hair standing on end.

But like it turns out, I didn't really have any getting used to studying or getting back to studying, it felt as natural as wearing a jacket. It never felt weird, it just did not. And I don't know if I am speaking too soon, but honestly, I don't think I've been happier in three years. I haven't felt this alive in so damn long. I just haven't.  I'm not saying there aren't tough times and doubtful times, lord knows I've had quite a few of them in just this small duration. But still, at least I don't feel listless. At least, I don't feel like my brain is rotting away while I just get by.

I had decided that I would try and let go of my past and all my disappointments and unfulfilled expectations and hope for this to be a fresh start. Fresh start, this word has been abused so often, and I think we tend to want these a little too often. But the lines have been pretty blurred. It didn't feel like a whole new beginning or whatever, it feels like a continuum of sorts. And I'm writing this knowing that if I suck at my midterm, I am gonna hate myself (clearly, I can't stop thinking even if I want to!) but whatever I said is true either way. So I am at peace, at least for today.

And Ann Arbor has been super welcoming. (At least that's what it leads you to believe until winter, is it? Or maybe, after winter, I might say eh, that wasn't so bad, I hope!) With all of its honestly unbelievably pretty places that have got me wondering "Really? Do I actually call this place my home now?", I love it. There are squirrels scurrying around digging up random places. There is this family of deer that walks past as though it doesn't give a shit about anyone who stares at them and smiles and chuckles and laughs and wonders about clicking photographs (a.k.a me). Why, I even spotted a skunk (and stayed far away, just in case :P). I hope I don't stop getting amazed at these things, it makes those tired walks to college something to look forward to. And fall is just so beautiful, so damn beautiful. It feels sad to see trees being barren but it also makes me look forward to the leaves growing back in spring. :)

When someone asks me what is it that I want to do or study and what I see myself doing, I actually don't know. The last few times I was so sure of doing something, it always changed and then I was stuck. Right now, I think I have an idea of what I would like to do without the details or even that one sentence description, and I think I have come to figure that sometimes, that's actually good enough. But one thing I do know, is that I want to make a difference. I want to learn the depth and not swim in the shallowness that is Jack of all trades.

It is a rainy morning here (yes, this post is continued over two days), and rain as always gives me a sense of calm with the whooshy sounds of the wind and pitter patter that feels familiar. The sky is overcast and the place looks just so beautiful. Not an average studying day at all. But I think I should get back to my books.

What it looks like outside my window!

This song kinda seems perfect for the weather, it's smooth, it's comfortable, it just glides beautifully in the background. I think Pink Floyd is perfect for too many situations. That being said, a few poems are in the works, so I shall return to this space very soon. :)

Sliver

A sliver, a slight was all it took,

To put all the broken things back together for good,

To remember how it used to really feel,

Or maybe it was a completely new feeling after all.

Reeling from the aftermath of it all,

Finding comfort in the crevices of our minds,

Finding comfort in those stolen embraces,

Not really knowing what we were looking for,

But going in the direction where it didn't feel so wrong.

The heart, it fluttered, it wanted to sing,

But sing it couldn't, before it felt a lot of things,

Kept itself hidden within a thousand walls,

Building each broken one every time, without a door.

But there was a small tiny gap left within the walls,

Through which it let a few feelings in after all,

And in those glimpses, in those hints,

It kept trying to heal the wounds within.

Now those wounds have almost healed,

The scars are beginning to show,

Those that are still scabs need a little more time,

But they see the hope of whole skin for sure.

All that was needed was just that sliver, I guess,

The kid is ready to play in the mud yet again,

Having known the things that shall be faced once and more,

Just immersed in the present for now, 

The future shall be taken care of whenever it comes to the fore.

So long, farewell, it's time to say goodbye

 Following is the mail I wrote as a last day mail to a few people at Microsoft. Thought this needs to be up here for sure. 

I have been planning this mail for 2 months now. Telling myself I'd write it when the feeling hits the most. But damn it, tomorrow is my last day and yet I don't feel that way. Yep, it's that time of the year where a whole bunch of people begin to say goodbye in their own weird ways and move towards their apparent long term plans and dreams while we stayed on, feeling weirdly left behind. Or maybe we all have our paths and it is finally my cue to take that sharp turn I was waiting to take all this time.

In about three months, I will be found studying at University of Michigan, Ann Arbor waiting to die of too much cold or too many assignments. For that matter, when this admit came, I might as well have died. I honestly did not believe it. I kept waiting for one sign after the other to confirm that they aren't taking this away from me. That it is indeed mine. When you haven't had anything to celebrate in too long a time, I don't think you remember how to do it anymore when something good does happen. Even now, while I type this mail, my flight has been booked. I have the visa in my hand. There is technically nothing that can stop me. Yet, this incredulity, this amazement, this emotional upheaval, I think it is just stupid, but oh well, that's how it is.

In three years, a lot of things have changed. I have learnt to bargain (might I say very successfully ;) ) because of the 'very friendly' autowallahs here. I have watched an average of 15 movies per year in the theatre (which seems like less but is a lot for someone who barely watched one and only when the title included Harry Potter/Hobbit etc). I can actually converse completely in Hindi, retorting back too without actually struggling for a witty way to do it. I have had more girl friends in these three years than I have had in all of my life. Which is why even today, I refrain from wearing this horrid pair of sandals I had. (Story goes that someone thought that I was committed and deeply in love with someone(verbatim) in a long distance relationship which is why the change in dressing sense happened. I guffawed when I heard of it. IF only!). I have gone out and experienced most things people ought to try and then ideally abstain from and have quite a few crazy stories attesting to the fact too. :P

Most significant of them all, I am a lot more realistic bordering on pessimistic. I am more perceptive to pain. I cry a lot easier ( and I hate it!) and feel Nirvana is therapeutic. Like one of my friends put it very aptly, I came in a with a government-esque five year plan, so sure of its execution. But sometimes you fight so hard for something you're so sure you want, when it comes to you, you no longer believe you were meant for it, you deserve it or even that you want it. I think I have forgotten the pain, the hard earned joy and glory at the end of a long struggle. We don't realize how comfortable we get with this life of ours. Maybe the point is to give it up. Go back and struggle. Not stop unless you are truly happy, the kind of happiness you get when you are sweating like a pig at the end of a workout but you can't wait to do it again the next day. Maybe that's what I miss right now. Maybe that's why I don't truly feel like myself anymore. I think I want that real happiness. And I am going to try and get to that.

If there is one thing that I want to leave you with, it is how much I have loved the company, right since day 1, and I mean Microsoft as a whole. I always tend to find a new reason or a new facet that I am amazed by, that I want to embody, that I wish to be a part of. I have been lucky to have the most amazing mentors who always encouraged me and kept challenging me with every task I  completed and I am hoping that will come of some use where I am going. I have had some of the most amazing managers ranging from those who made me strive hard to deserve to be a part of the team, to those who told me it is intention and hard work that is important, and that as long as I love what I do, I will do my best. I also came across the most amazing people who despite being in a position where they could make me feel really small, they made me feel like I mattered and it was worth it. Just for that, if I do end up getting a Ph.D or become a postdoc etc. , irrespective of offers from anywhere else, I believe my heart would still choose Microsoft, because somehow, something about it just feels right. I feel like I fit right in and I don't think I am ever going to let myself forget that.

This is quite a long mail I have written. If you know me well enough, I think you'll know this is just about the right length. If you don't, I am very very happy that you reached until this point. I will always be amazed at people reading something that I write, right until the end and am thankful to them too. The years at Microsoft changed my world and me in a way that I don't think I had ever imagined possible. I am leaving with a curious mind open to possibilities, waiting to explore and dreaming of making a difference enough to change the world.

That this mail has reached your inbox means that I have had at least one interaction with you that mattered and you are someone I hope to keep in touch with. ( I know bcc kinda defeats that point but it is a requirement only for technical purposes). I shall be available on different mediums as specified below and I promise not to add to the list of airport check-ins that shall happen like a craze in the following months. :) I wish you a life of happiness, excitement and will to do whatever you wish to do in life. Leaving you with this song while I bid adios.

Into the horizon

It is not just the sunrise that is glorious,

In its wake,

In all its beauty,

If someone asked me,

I would choose you any day.

Why are you associated with the end,

When in fact,

you are the reason for the birth of this poetry.

I look at you,

I feel absolutely elated at the sight of you,

I want to memorize you.

I might have just seen you yesterday,

But I have to see you today as well,

As though if I don't, you might just go away.

There is this ephemeral feeling about you,

You descend ever so slowly,

That slight melancholy in the background

I don't really want you to go,

But it hardly ever feels and you've disappeared.

But I can survive it,

While the skies turn pink and orange in your glory,

You're the very precursor to so much more beauty,

The crescent moon and the beautiful stars.

I look into the horizon,

With a mind that knows no more happiness,

I know you will be back tomorrow,

When I will not be able to resist looking at you.

I shall wait for you, my dear sunset,

For as long as you promise to turn up right there for me.

( I don't know if it is the Hyderabad winter sunsets or that I can look into the horizon here with no buildings blocking me or that I began to leave office when there is actually a semblance of sunlight, but somehow I got obsessed with the sky when the sun sets. I went to Udaipur and again, the beautiful sunset came following me. I never really take photographs. But sunsets; you'll find dozens of those on my phone. Leaving you with what I believe to be one of the best sunset pictures I have)

Forgotten

I have forgotten those times,

When my heart did not know the immenseness,

Of what was going on,

It just kept on feeling,

Like that feeling always belonged.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart was being wrung dry,

It couldn't possibly bear, not any more,

But it kept on going,

Like nothing had ever gone wrong.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart wanted to be numb,

Escape from all those emotions,

That it just didn't want to know, not yet,

A little more time, before it took the plunge.

I have forgotten those times,

When you began to slip away from me,

I kept believing I was holding on to you,

When in fact, all that was left, was a mere shadow.

I have forgotten how it used to feel,

When I heard those songs, those that spoke of waiting for love,

The memories come to me,

And it is all that is left of those feelings.

Yet I know there's a part of me,

The one that I keep hidden, the one no one knows exists,

That holds on to the day when I can remember again, feel again,

And weep those tears in emotions galore.

I shall keep close to me,

The existence of such a possibility,

Until then it shall remain forgotten,

While it remains in the back of my memory.

Tales of 24

24 was always far away for me and my sister. It was the age when my mom got married (though she strictly encourages me to finish studying before I even think of marriage and just how much I love her for that!). Right since I was 14, my sister would begin going  “la la la la la la” the moment someone even mentioned marriage and I always used to think ’24 is too far away, why the hell should I care about it now?’ I don’t have to think about it for 10 years now. (I was 14, I wasn't allowed to use 'hell' even in my head :P.)

I don’t think I ever planned the future in a clear manner. I didn't know then what working actually involved so I couldn't see myself doing so. But the one thing that has been constant since then is the want to study.

Look at me now. Here I am. All of 24. I keep repeating it to myself to remind myself that I am indeed that old. The age that I thought would never come.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  For the first time in many years, I did not feel that tinge of sadness that is so typical of us singles surrounded by happy romantic couples smothered by roses and teddy bears and excessive love. I did the cheesiest possible things for my girlfriends here, took them out for dinner and we had the most amazing evening filled with revelations. It felt so amazing to be present in that moment, where I could make someone feel so special. All of us wish to feel that, yes, even though we may have multiple occasions where the corresponding better halves do their bit. But those times, when it comes from someone and somewhere unexpected, there is always a hint of delight to it. I do hope they felt as much.

Something I have been feeling stronger about with every passing day is how I need to involve myself in a lot more music, a lot more writing as well. I watched Roy the other day and there was something about that movie that brought out that dreamy alternate world, the other worldly feeling that engulfs me when I sit to write a poem. I felt that after ‘Begin again’ too. It brought out the feeling related to music that is so entrenched in me, the feeling that accompanies me wherever I go. I definitely want to write more songs, both lyrics and music and actually sing them outside of the four walls of my bedroom. (Yes, I have definitely advanced from the bathroom singing which is now reserved for improvisations and falsettos :P.) The night of my birthday triggered this feeling too, when we were jamming and I just sang my heart out, improvisations et al., for the first time in the presence of others. I wish I could explain how it feels, but for that, I would have to cut my heart out, place it in front of you and hope you can feel a small part of it. (While I write this, my brain is going, “Your brain, your brain, not your heart!” but the poet in me just cannot let go of metaphors. :) ) I hope it happens a lot more when I am eventually part of a band (again I hope). I am guessing I am not too late, maybe I should write a few of my own songs in the meanwhile. Oh Marine drive, just how much I miss you.

Today, I also went for the 3k run organized by the Hyderabad Runners club. Quite measly when compared to the half-marathon or even the marathon, but man, the way they make you feel when you enter that finish line, it is as though you did something spectacular. It was nothing like those 100m races in school where I always failed trying, or at least felt like I did. Always left in that sinking feeling where I began to believe that sports was never meant for me despite the inherent liking I had for it.  I think I am going to cherish the feeling from today morning and keep it pushing me towards where I want to be.

I was telling a friend of mine, that I have begun to appreciate the importance of simplicity of friendships and conversations. And just now, I remember having written a post with the same title. I had written it in the wake of a whole lot of people I had discovered and what I had believed then to be the ideal way. There is a part of me that wants to plaster a big ‘LOL’ on top of this post but I will not. I understand that as much as you try and make something as simple as it gets, unless the other person wants and does the same things, it will never reach that pinnacle. And sometimes, as much as you might care for someone and they might care for you, you will always tend to be biased towards those friends who understand you so instinctively, with whom you don’t have to be careful about what you say, it does not matter how you behave or how often you talk, they get you. I KNOW, the then-me would never agree to this, always believing that more is possible but I guess now I know better. I am thankful to have a few of these special ones with whom it never ceases to remain the same :) . Though I don’t think I will ever stop trying.

Now you might wonder why this post feels like a whole bunch of updates rather than one coherent thought. I think it has a lot to do with my state of mind, which I think is comparable to a dementor :P; though I am not trying to suck happiness out of people’s lives, I am definitely trying to get those happy moments out of all the small things that I may do. And writing this post has made me quite emotional as well, maybe it has a lot to do with how much of this came from my own self, just me, without having to depend on anyone else. That makes it all the more special. And a lot more close to my heart as well. Leaving you with this song that reminds me how I want to feel when I eventually sing and play my own song in front of an audience with a similar ensemble. :)

                         

Crossed fingers

Wonky is the word. Yep. That’s the word to describe this year. Just like a wonky internet connection that gives you hope for a few moments and right when you are about to pay that bill, it gives up on you. This year had too many unexpected frustrating moments like those. I think, my last year’s new year post is laughing at me, because I am writing this from the same old room, sitting on the same old bed hoping for the same thing yet again. I had called this year the year of hope. Ha! Looks like this year was hell bent on attaching a negative connotation to the word hope for me.

Weirdly, it hasn't won yet and I wonder why. Maybe because, for me, hope means what it means only if you have done the ground work. The lowest low that I thought I had hit last year decided to go all “Mariana Trench” on me this time. Quite a few horrible days. Those unbelievable days you just wait for to end so that the next day can begin and time can pass quickly. Too many realizations and yet none of them provided me the satisfaction that they are expected to.

This year was also one of the years where I had to let go of people who meant too much to me on account of various reasons. Some of them went on to pursue their dreams and as much as I didn't want them to go, the part of me that cares for them obviously gave them the best wishes possible. Some of them, it was what it was, I hope they know how much I love them and that I will always care as much as I always have for them and I hope the universe knows to whisper it in the right ear. Some, I almost lost them but I was able to save in the nick of time. Too much emotional drama for a year I think.

When I look back and think how I was and what I was thinking exactly a year ago, when I realize the stark distinction in me, it is quite overwhelming. This year was a year of breaking all my assumptions, all possible expectations and everything that I took for granted. Which is probably an extension of life or karma, whatever you may choose to call it. The past year made me re-evaluate everything and every thought about myself and what is it that I really want to be. Which isn't so bad when put in perspective. But the change is something I don’t really know about yet.

Though I must say, there were three spectacular things that I was fortunate to experience in 2014 that I want to remember all my life - My birthday, ‘Yanni’ concert and the Udaipur trip.

This new year was ushered in with a lot of laughter. It began with fireworks giving me the feeling that it is the beginning of something. It was ushered with wishes from people who wished that I would go ahead and pursue my dreams this year. Somehow, that gave me hope again. Man, this whole studying thing has begun to mean way too much to me, my eyes tear up at the mere mention of what I want my near future to look like. I sometimes think it is good I worked for a while. It made me realize how much I want this and also want this much more. I think I can safely say the feeling is absolute and not a result of anything. There is NO way I am gonna slack off if I do get an opportunity to study, I’m going to become a recluse who might just die of Vitamin D deficiency.

Looking ahead, what do I wish to do this new year? Things from last year that worked for me that I want to continue. Taking things one day at a time? Absolute brilliance it is. Helps keep me calm when it isn't in my hands. I realize I panic a lot lesser. This was very evident in my application process this year which I happened to finish a month before the deadlines. It might have been because of the wisdom gained from last year but it was the patience too. I definitely want a lot more orderliness in many ways in my life.

I want to listen and listen patiently this year. Something that the Udaipur trip taught me, people always pour their heart out when you listen calmly. And patience so that you will let them complete what they have to say and not let your unstable emotions take over the words from your mouth. I don't know if it will help. But I think it is always good to listen.

This year, maybe a typical resolution in general, but very different when it comes to me is to be fit. Oh, the first resolution to be broken, you may say. But no. My aim to go run, gym, swim, or whatever physical activity it was, besides the fact that I enjoyed the time spent was always to lose weight, never a priority, always something I quit the moment things of higher priority came; only to resume a long time later. But no more. I want a little more discipline in my life. I want to make physical activity a part of my life such that it is as natural as that want to sleep when it gets closer to your bed time.

Having done all this, I really wish that next new year, I am closer to where I want to be, closer to what I want to achieve, closer to the person I want to be.

This year is about letting go of things that cannot be helped. It is about forgiving yourself for all those times you wished you had done it differently. It is about letting go of sad memories and realizing the importance of the ones that reassure you. It is about letting go of relationships, because of distance, physical or emotional, temporarily or permanently. It is about beginning on a new note, it is about bringing in new change, by your own hands. It is about keeping the faith, and believing in yourself.

Here’s to yet another year.