So long, farewell, it's time to say goodbye

 Following is the mail I wrote as a last day mail to a few people at Microsoft. Thought this needs to be up here for sure. 

I have been planning this mail for 2 months now. Telling myself I'd write it when the feeling hits the most. But damn it, tomorrow is my last day and yet I don't feel that way. Yep, it's that time of the year where a whole bunch of people begin to say goodbye in their own weird ways and move towards their apparent long term plans and dreams while we stayed on, feeling weirdly left behind. Or maybe we all have our paths and it is finally my cue to take that sharp turn I was waiting to take all this time.

In about three months, I will be found studying at University of Michigan, Ann Arbor waiting to die of too much cold or too many assignments. For that matter, when this admit came, I might as well have died. I honestly did not believe it. I kept waiting for one sign after the other to confirm that they aren't taking this away from me. That it is indeed mine. When you haven't had anything to celebrate in too long a time, I don't think you remember how to do it anymore when something good does happen. Even now, while I type this mail, my flight has been booked. I have the visa in my hand. There is technically nothing that can stop me. Yet, this incredulity, this amazement, this emotional upheaval, I think it is just stupid, but oh well, that's how it is.

In three years, a lot of things have changed. I have learnt to bargain (might I say very successfully ;) ) because of the 'very friendly' autowallahs here. I have watched an average of 15 movies per year in the theatre (which seems like less but is a lot for someone who barely watched one and only when the title included Harry Potter/Hobbit etc). I can actually converse completely in Hindi, retorting back too without actually struggling for a witty way to do it. I have had more girl friends in these three years than I have had in all of my life. Which is why even today, I refrain from wearing this horrid pair of sandals I had. (Story goes that someone thought that I was committed and deeply in love with someone(verbatim) in a long distance relationship which is why the change in dressing sense happened. I guffawed when I heard of it. IF only!). I have gone out and experienced most things people ought to try and then ideally abstain from and have quite a few crazy stories attesting to the fact too. :P

Most significant of them all, I am a lot more realistic bordering on pessimistic. I am more perceptive to pain. I cry a lot easier ( and I hate it!) and feel Nirvana is therapeutic. Like one of my friends put it very aptly, I came in a with a government-esque five year plan, so sure of its execution. But sometimes you fight so hard for something you're so sure you want, when it comes to you, you no longer believe you were meant for it, you deserve it or even that you want it. I think I have forgotten the pain, the hard earned joy and glory at the end of a long struggle. We don't realize how comfortable we get with this life of ours. Maybe the point is to give it up. Go back and struggle. Not stop unless you are truly happy, the kind of happiness you get when you are sweating like a pig at the end of a workout but you can't wait to do it again the next day. Maybe that's what I miss right now. Maybe that's why I don't truly feel like myself anymore. I think I want that real happiness. And I am going to try and get to that.

If there is one thing that I want to leave you with, it is how much I have loved the company, right since day 1, and I mean Microsoft as a whole. I always tend to find a new reason or a new facet that I am amazed by, that I want to embody, that I wish to be a part of. I have been lucky to have the most amazing mentors who always encouraged me and kept challenging me with every task I  completed and I am hoping that will come of some use where I am going. I have had some of the most amazing managers ranging from those who made me strive hard to deserve to be a part of the team, to those who told me it is intention and hard work that is important, and that as long as I love what I do, I will do my best. I also came across the most amazing people who despite being in a position where they could make me feel really small, they made me feel like I mattered and it was worth it. Just for that, if I do end up getting a Ph.D or become a postdoc etc. , irrespective of offers from anywhere else, I believe my heart would still choose Microsoft, because somehow, something about it just feels right. I feel like I fit right in and I don't think I am ever going to let myself forget that.

This is quite a long mail I have written. If you know me well enough, I think you'll know this is just about the right length. If you don't, I am very very happy that you reached until this point. I will always be amazed at people reading something that I write, right until the end and am thankful to them too. The years at Microsoft changed my world and me in a way that I don't think I had ever imagined possible. I am leaving with a curious mind open to possibilities, waiting to explore and dreaming of making a difference enough to change the world.

That this mail has reached your inbox means that I have had at least one interaction with you that mattered and you are someone I hope to keep in touch with. ( I know bcc kinda defeats that point but it is a requirement only for technical purposes). I shall be available on different mediums as specified below and I promise not to add to the list of airport check-ins that shall happen like a craze in the following months. :) I wish you a life of happiness, excitement and will to do whatever you wish to do in life. Leaving you with this song while I bid adios.

Why being a workaholic saved me

"The alarm rings out loud. The starting riff of  'Am I evil', enough to wake the buzzing daylights out of anyone in a deep slumber. It's barely been 5 hours since she entered the house. But that's hardly on her mind. She just woke up from a dream that she knew had her thinking she was sitting right next to an old friend of hers and laughing , followed by a dream involving her writing tags, pressing F5, adjusting margins,pressing  f5 and then that sense of satisfaction. Her mind immediately wants to start thinking about how to solve that bloody problem that just won't show up, but she needs a cup of tea. With a song playing in her head, she goes on. She walks all the way lost in the music that's playing . That's her time.

When she is at lunch, she remembers the debugging dream and as much as she complains to her friend that this job seems to be haunting her, a small part of her feels proud, and comfortable in the knowledge. Her afternoon just passes by filled with frustration, ideas, people, Yes-got-it-please-work-damn-it-screw-you moments and then she just takes the break. Only that cross-trainer would understand how she wants to get rid of all that negative feeling that she has been keeping at bay throughout the day.

She begins again after dinner. The ideal time. With no one around, her legs on the desk, and unintelligible music playing in her ears, she begins yet again, with the feeling of excitement to tackle something new, something she has no idea about, that thing that drives her to arrive at work each morning. At 2, she knows, that's it. Tired but knowing she did her day's worth. She slowly unlocks the door, goes to her room, picks the guitar, starts playing the chords and reminds herself, how she needs to practise so much more. That sound gives her peace. In 7 hours, a moment of epiphany shall occur. Until then, she has ascended into another realm, another feeling, another day."

I wrote this inspired by this post and encouraged by the author because what I feel is exactly opposite of what she wrote. :) 

Here's me. The workaholic. The person to whom suggestions of making arrangements to sleep in office itself aren't unusual. Someone whose life has revolved around her work and how much more she could do. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. It is a boon and a curse bound together. Believe me, it can get tiring. As proud as you might feel while saying  "I don't have a life" (Jeez, does anyone even feel proud to say that? :-| ), some days you just wish you did. Sometimes you just want to let go, you wish you weren't that feminist can-stand-on-her-feet woman, you just want to give in to the thought "Who cares?", you want to give up that excruciating want to excel at this, that strife against wanting to stay back at work. 

Boon, because it helps me reach the point where I can be the best at it, where I have to be the best at it, by compensating the lack of skill with effort. And I am not ashamed of it. I truly admire people who are better than me and competing with them is something of a mental exercise to me. Yet I strive, aim to be the best.

I have my good moments too. When my father proudly tells his colleague, how my work hours are exactly like his during his younger days. When I know I have done much more than what was expected of me. When someone tells me that. The feeling of independence, of living my hours the way I want to. That pretentious sense of importance, that choice of going crazy about something. That feeling of achievement with EVERY small thing I manage to implement, every problem I manage to solve. Those hours when I didn't feel horribly lonely or unattractive, that smug feeling I successfully manage to hide under the layer of humility when the second person admires the way I am wired. That feeling that there is so much more to learn, so many people to meet, so many peers to admire, so many levels to aspire for. It's plain intoxicating. ( Like the smell of that coffee my roommate made today *sigh* )

There are days I wonder, whether this is my escape route. Away from unpredictable emotions and people. Funnily, only two days ago, Satya Nadella, our new CEO called himself a learner, where he takes up more courses than he can complete, buys more books than he can manage to read. That made me like him a little bit, relate to him a little bit. (This is despite the fact that I miss SteveB as the CEO. :( ) 

And I realized, it is ok to be a little crazy. You don't "need" a work-life balance. You will learn to accommodate new things and people in your life as and when they arrive. You will go take a break and probably not work for the longest time when you just don't want to. And believe me, I have done that and that's probably one of the few things I love about myself. But until then, I think I am going to make the most of my workaholic self. Make this life about me for as long as I can do it. And the lyrics that pop right into my mind are these :D 

"Here I am, rock you like a hurricane"

(Though the complete lyrics don't quite seem relevant to what I am trying to say, go ahead and enjoy the song. :P)