Crossed fingers

Wonky is the word. Yep. That’s the word to describe this year. Just like a wonky internet connection that gives you hope for a few moments and right when you are about to pay that bill, it gives up on you. This year had too many unexpected frustrating moments like those. I think, my last year’s new year post is laughing at me, because I am writing this from the same old room, sitting on the same old bed hoping for the same thing yet again. I had called this year the year of hope. Ha! Looks like this year was hell bent on attaching a negative connotation to the word hope for me.

Weirdly, it hasn't won yet and I wonder why. Maybe because, for me, hope means what it means only if you have done the ground work. The lowest low that I thought I had hit last year decided to go all “Mariana Trench” on me this time. Quite a few horrible days. Those unbelievable days you just wait for to end so that the next day can begin and time can pass quickly. Too many realizations and yet none of them provided me the satisfaction that they are expected to.

This year was also one of the years where I had to let go of people who meant too much to me on account of various reasons. Some of them went on to pursue their dreams and as much as I didn't want them to go, the part of me that cares for them obviously gave them the best wishes possible. Some of them, it was what it was, I hope they know how much I love them and that I will always care as much as I always have for them and I hope the universe knows to whisper it in the right ear. Some, I almost lost them but I was able to save in the nick of time. Too much emotional drama for a year I think.

When I look back and think how I was and what I was thinking exactly a year ago, when I realize the stark distinction in me, it is quite overwhelming. This year was a year of breaking all my assumptions, all possible expectations and everything that I took for granted. Which is probably an extension of life or karma, whatever you may choose to call it. The past year made me re-evaluate everything and every thought about myself and what is it that I really want to be. Which isn't so bad when put in perspective. But the change is something I don’t really know about yet.

Though I must say, there were three spectacular things that I was fortunate to experience in 2014 that I want to remember all my life - My birthday, ‘Yanni’ concert and the Udaipur trip.

This new year was ushered in with a lot of laughter. It began with fireworks giving me the feeling that it is the beginning of something. It was ushered with wishes from people who wished that I would go ahead and pursue my dreams this year. Somehow, that gave me hope again. Man, this whole studying thing has begun to mean way too much to me, my eyes tear up at the mere mention of what I want my near future to look like. I sometimes think it is good I worked for a while. It made me realize how much I want this and also want this much more. I think I can safely say the feeling is absolute and not a result of anything. There is NO way I am gonna slack off if I do get an opportunity to study, I’m going to become a recluse who might just die of Vitamin D deficiency.

Looking ahead, what do I wish to do this new year? Things from last year that worked for me that I want to continue. Taking things one day at a time? Absolute brilliance it is. Helps keep me calm when it isn't in my hands. I realize I panic a lot lesser. This was very evident in my application process this year which I happened to finish a month before the deadlines. It might have been because of the wisdom gained from last year but it was the patience too. I definitely want a lot more orderliness in many ways in my life.

I want to listen and listen patiently this year. Something that the Udaipur trip taught me, people always pour their heart out when you listen calmly. And patience so that you will let them complete what they have to say and not let your unstable emotions take over the words from your mouth. I don't know if it will help. But I think it is always good to listen.

This year, maybe a typical resolution in general, but very different when it comes to me is to be fit. Oh, the first resolution to be broken, you may say. But no. My aim to go run, gym, swim, or whatever physical activity it was, besides the fact that I enjoyed the time spent was always to lose weight, never a priority, always something I quit the moment things of higher priority came; only to resume a long time later. But no more. I want a little more discipline in my life. I want to make physical activity a part of my life such that it is as natural as that want to sleep when it gets closer to your bed time.

Having done all this, I really wish that next new year, I am closer to where I want to be, closer to what I want to achieve, closer to the person I want to be.

This year is about letting go of things that cannot be helped. It is about forgiving yourself for all those times you wished you had done it differently. It is about letting go of sad memories and realizing the importance of the ones that reassure you. It is about letting go of relationships, because of distance, physical or emotional, temporarily or permanently. It is about beginning on a new note, it is about bringing in new change, by your own hands. It is about keeping the faith, and believing in yourself.

Here’s to yet another year.