Whoa! Did I just turn 25?

This year's birthday was hardly typical. I did have a few hours of great people and good music to count for it. Two submissions due, craziness ensued until I came home in the night ready to get to my bed.

I think the whole "OMG, am I turning 25 this year?!" moment happened a long time ago and then nothing yet. But 25 does feel like the age you should be given the medal to have reached. Your parents too should be given a medal, I think. And all relatives and family friends must be banned from asking anything about the most hated 'm' word.

With every year you age in the later 20s , it feels like you grew a decade older as opposed to just a year. It feels like if you don't do all the things you've always wanted to do in your life now, you never will. Which is probably why it is scary to grow older at this point I guess?  don't think I totally subscribe to that thought but I hope after 30, I'm just chilling and I don't really care.

 I must have been high during the new year to think I have no resolutions. I should have just started with, try and learn to be concise and precise. Long winded sentences, half baked sentences, just cannot be excused anymore. God, it has come to my notice after all these years. Not like I haven't said it before but I admire people for having listened to me (or ignored successfully and never let me realize) but just goes on to show there's always scope for improvement. Learning to pick myself up after every fall also seems to be a recurring theme that I might have to consider a late resolution, this semester for sure. 

I also think the whole point about reaching the wrong side of 25 is to start getting your shit together. You are where you are because you wanted to get there, or your actions got you there. Own up and act the part to perfection. That's the advice I'm giving myself anyway.

The funny part is, most songs of Oasis give you such a 80s rock feeling that they hardly feel like they are from the 90s but your opinion is definitely changed when you watch the video. This is a recent discovery, and God, am I addicted to it.

(I found this draft randomly and I wonder why I didn't post it. It doesn't even seem incomplete that I can leave it for the next one. So going ahead and posting it for the sake of the effort that was made)

Privilege

I am a person 
Privileged at that, 
No one hides their kids when they look at me, 
They do not stop me from entering the bathroom that I believe is mine to enter, 
They do not stop me from kissing a loved one in public, 
Because we have the same sex organs, 
Even if I decide to refrain from appearing in public, 
They do not stop me from being with someone I call my life partner. 

I do not fear for my life 
When I exit my house, 
Based on a prejudice that ceased to make sense a long time ago. 

I do not get called names because I don't fit in, 
In a world that they have decided is theirs to own, 
No place is inaccessible to me, 
they have not decided that I am incapable of doing something, 
Because I lack a capability that is apparently their definition of normal. 

I haven't had to flee a place I call home, 
Throwing away every ounce of familiarity to then just not belong. 
I am a woman, so of course, it comes with its own set of caveats. 

However, I still am privileged 
To not even fathom what some of these people have accepted as a way of life, 
What they have gone through, 
What generations before them have gone through, 
How it passes on to how they speak, how they live. 

So go on, tell me, if none of this is you, 
And you still think you are not privileged, 
Then may your life and soul be saved, 
You may have a world that seems perfect to you, 
To couch your happy sense of ego, 
But before you sleep at night, 
In your cozy bed that does not know such pain, 
I hope you feel slightly uncomfortable, 
When I remind you, 
It has come at a cost, 
And that cost is bloody, 
Of lives you cannot count nor account for, 
And hopefully one day, 
They too shall know how it feels, 
What a normal life actually means.

Pain

Don't obliterate me, don't mutilate me,

I beg of you please,

Don't rob me of that joy, not joy, peace,

Of sleeping next to someone in their warm embrace,

While I instead wake up in cold sweats,

Thinking of what you did,

Or maybe you don't want me to wake up at all,

For those 20 minutes of action, my never-ending time of horror,

You'd rather I be destroyed,

A voiceless cunt, just waiting to be fucked,

Do you even know what you're doing, I don't know anymore,

Because I didn't think there could be so much evil in someone,

That you'd rather insert things in me,

And see me cry while you laugh in mirth,

About what, I have a fucking clue, not,

I'm tired of having to watch my way,

Look at every person twice, wonder if I'll get home safe,

Wonder if my clothes are too short or slutty,

Wonder if I'm giving you mixed signals when I really am not,

As though every step I take forward, could have easily been a fall,

I'm not gonna say think of your sisters and mothers and people you love,

Because if you did, I don't think we'd have to talk,

Instead think about yourself, in a weird upturn of power,

Feeling helpless, losing any sense of control,

Someone hurting you so bad, you'd really rather die,

But hey, that's what they call empathy you know,

If you had any idea that feeling existed,

You'd be scared to even touch a woman without thinking if that would hurt her,

Oh all you people deserve a place in hell,

I can think of nothing to stop you, nothing that hasn't already been said,

I refuse to bow down, refuse to be tied down,

Hate me, shame me, insult me,

I won't deny that I'm scared.

But all you women who have silently or not so silently borne that brunt,

I salute you for not having given up your life,

For a bunch of fucking morons,

Who actually believed that "ruining" you, overpowering you was equivalent to destroying you,

Ha, those dumb idiots,

You, my woman, are a lot bigger than that,

You have a lot left to do, a lot more to feel,

Don't let this temporary numbness get to you,

Even if no one tells you this,

I'm here for you, I support you, and no, it wasn't your fault,

I know I don't really understand what you've gone through,

But I've cried for you, screamed out loud for you,

Don't for a second believe you don't have a voice,

Don't let yourself believe this was a choice,

You let yourself make in this cruel world,

I wish I could  take away your pain, I really do,

Give yourself a chance, let the pain break free,

And I promise I'll try and change the small things I can around me,

Try creating small safe spaces as much as I can,

Small spaces for you to place your beautiful feet in,

While you walk with your head held high.

Very depressing, I know. But I am tired of ignoring all the pain I feel when I read about all the people who have to go through this horrible thing that is rape, or when people speak so lightly about rape without even wondering how they have no clue about how it must be. I hate it. I needed to get it out. It brings tears to my eyes, just thinking about these women who go through so much before they stop reliving that horror, be it 2 minutes or 2 hours, before it stops pervading their lives. Stop it, people. Teach your kids there is no need for passive aggression. Teach your kids about equality, empathy and sympathy. Teach them that being sloshed and being unaware of their surroundings does not dismiss them of their responsibility towards humanity.

Tell them when you get your period, tell them it hurts. Tell them you hate it when someone stares at you. Tell them you dress for yourself, dress to be ready for the day, feel great. Tell them that you sometimes, just sometimes, dress well to mask a whole bunch of insecurities, those if you began to list out, would make you seem crazy. Stop assuming that people slept with their bosses to get to where they are. Some might have, but that assumption makes us hate someone else without even knowing them.

We need to stop hiding under the pretentious rules and assumptions we have for girls and boys. And hopefully, that helps a few people avoid going through this horrendous thing.

Stay

Stay right here,

Right next to me ,

Where I can hear the rhythmic sound of you breathing,

Where I can feel the warmth of your hands around me.

Let my skin graze yours,

Let the familiarity soak in,

Let me dissolve in the feeling so deep within.

Let's just be, without a word being said therein.

What wouldn't I do to let you peek into my heart,

What wouldn't I do to let you share a part of my soul,

But those are dreams for those who do not know life,

To me, just a moment of what might be, is enough to sustain for eternity.

Or so I tell myself, while I lay in your arms,

In that very thought, I shall drown.

(I had written this a very long time ago. I hardly feel any close to this level of mush anymore. But I've been feeling the creative lack in my writing with my blog posts turning into almost-diary entries. I am hoping that posting this gets my creative juices flowing again. 

Also, this is one of the shortest things I've ever written and yet it feels complete. Hence, achievement!)

I'm here!

Finally! After having written multiple new year posts referring to this very day, I am actually here. A dream come true.

Umm, not exactly. No, it is not what it seems to imply. I got back to studying like a person who rides a bicycle after a decade and they're on their way. But the second half of this year has definitely been terrible health-wise. Spending-so-much-time-at-the-hospitals-and-health-centers-that-the-receptionists-began-to-recognize-me terrible. It included not being allowed to sing or play the guitar for three months, two of the things that keep me sane. Phew, you would think this is as bad as a Greek mythological task where you are setup to fail. ( Influence of having read the complete Percy Jackson series in less than a week! I highly recommend.)

Yet, I can call these 4 months the best I have ever had in way too long a time, despite all the hardships and breaking down. I have not felt so alive and real in years. So I haven't given up, not yet. I think the last few days of the semester were bad, it did reach the crazy level I was waiting the whole semester for. I did win eventually. It makes me wonder how often hard work is correlated with winning. I absolutely believe in it, but I wish people addressed how stressful grad school really is, more openly . Anyway, I think I still cannot dismiss the majority of the feelings felt, which is grateful.

There are so many days when I wished I had never gone to work, that I had applied right at the beginning and lived what I am living now. But I guess that's not how it works. I am sure I would have taken it for granted, just having gotten out of college, with rose colored glasses, not really knowing how life looks like otherwise.

I now have really come to believe that sometimes, you really need to live your worst to do your best. So that you know how precious that moment is, how precious that feeling is, how much you really want to do this. I now know enough to say I want this without wondering "Do I really want it or is it just me being extremely emotional and stupid?". I am so worried that a day will come when this will stop feeling like a dream and will feel like drudgery and I might be inclined to stop halfway. But there is also a part of me that thinks that it might not happen because I am in a place where I can actually go ahead with my ideas, there is nothing to stop me, there is only encouragement from all directions. I definitely do not know if these ideas will fall flat on their face (which I am sure they might) or other mishaps I haven't taken into account might happen but at least, I have a chance. At least, I have an option to try. And THAT, I cannot and will not take for granted, having craved this moment for years.

That was quite some emotion, now for the real deal. 

This semester has also been about believing in myself again. I have finally worked on projects, learnt languages, tackled interviews in a way that I always perceived the other smart person to be able to do, but never me. This semester, I did it all. I am very impressed with myself. I am glad I can say that I am impressed with myself.  I am relieved, that I am not dumb after all. I also figured I have become quite strategic about addressing ways of handling work. I always thought strategy and hard work never go hand in hand but it turns out, working hard in a smart manner does transform itself to a strategy.

It also turns out that I've become quite the introvert in the past three years, such a far cry from what I was identified with back in the undergrad days. Also, after years of refusing to do so, I have finally let myself accept that there are different levels of closeness with different people and it actually helps me be a better friend. Maybe the two are related. I think it is because I just don't have the energy in me to hide my real thoughts and feelings, I'd rather just talk to those who know me well enough for me to not have to justify anything that I say. For that matter, in general, I have just started saying what I think and feel as opposed to masking the same. I can assure you, it is the highest level of relief you could ever feel, since this comes from someone who used to hate offending people even if it was unintentional.

Something I am very proud of, is that I stuck to the resolution of having some physical activity part of my daily routine, despite the crazy schedule. I have realized that, that adrenaline peak is something that is utmost necessary and so is the endorphin release. I love it. And I know I will continue it this year as well, to better results, I hope.

A few days ago, I sang a Carnatic music song. It was on the insistence of someone I hardly knew. But after three months of the singing break I had to take, after that yearning to sing all this time, it felt magical. I had forgotten how amazing it feels, as though with every word I sang, every wound in my soul was healed to full capacity. I think I am definitely getting back to that, no doubt.

Somehow this year, I don't have any thing that I specifically want to live by or get done because somehow over the years, I believe I have assimilated them into myself. I'm not saying I don't have room for improvement, I have loads of those. But this year, I am peaceful. I am thankful for where I am. And I hope this year just gets better. I will ensure I put all of my heart and soul into everything that I do and hope that it counts.

I am going to leave you with the thought that sometimes, if you work hard enough and want something enough, you will get through all the hurt and horrible times to where you wish to be. You just need to believe in yourself and your effort. I wish you a very happy new year. Leaving you with this song because I believe it is happy enough to represent my state right now. :)