Music memories in the brain

I've gone down this memory lane route a couple of times the past few months, where I've been listening to songs from my college time and work time on repeat. It reminds me of romantic times, where there was the hope of love, the hope of acceptance, and the hope of just being free - of being able to run away from decade long issues that I had never dealt with. I think all I did in college was run far far away from all the sorrows of the two decades past.

And it also reminds me how much I did IN FACT love bollywood music. Like damn, this song is so catchy, I loved listening to it every time it came on TV. I loved the colors, the places, the expressions, these songs clearly act as timestamps to parts of my life. The movies are impossible to watch, because inevitably they will be an all round cringe fest. And yet, there is a teenage version of me, that continues to feel all those unrequited feelings, that I had hoped for the longest time, would finally be requited.

It's weird that the more years that pass, the older you grow, you realize there are so many parts to yourself, attached to specific years, those nuances that seem pretty much non-existent, until you listen to these songs, and that hope, that yearning, and that romanticism comes back out of nowhere. (This is unfortunately also true of bad memories, where all it takes is one smell, one song to take you back but I'm currently enjoying the happiness, so gonna punt on that).

Honestly, these are the things that make me curious about the brain, about learning about memories, about how these things get stored in your hippocampus, waiting to be retrieved in the right moment, and releasing all the emotions associated with them as well. *Sets reminder to read books/papers about music related memories in the brain*

This is where I think (in these good moments, I must emphasize again), I would like technology to be able to store these memories. But I also know, the main reason that these memories feel so fond, is because it has been so many years, I have forgotten the awkwardness, and the loneliness associated with these times.  All that pain I pushed away, despite the fact that it came to bite me in my ass recently, I don't regret it.I think for what it was worth, I tried living in the moment. I think there is some joy to the idea of fleeting time. Of both living in the moment, and not feeling like you're quite living that life, as though you are inhabiting it as an outsider. It was a weird feeling to be completely accepted for someone I was not. Haha. I think just saying that feels so weird. What a conundrum that must have been, to not be able to put that feeling into words, like I can now - 10 years since then. To establish your lone self, and yet wait for  someone to see through you, the real you and tell you they like you the way you are.

I enjoyed the college festivals, I discovered my love of live music, I discovered Pearl Jam! I learnt how I had this social side I could totally leverage to know tons of people. I remember laughing a lot when I was in college. I miss having jam sessions with my classmates, I think there was an intimacy to that feeling, to knowing that people stayed back just for the music, to be able to sing, to feel completely vulnerable in a weird moment, while still worrying whether it was scary to give all of yourself in. Now I think I have found that vulnerability and belonging in research, in learning, among people who seem to love and want to know more, but I still can't stop craving the music part of it. Now that I have identified it,

Here's a song that definitely pulled at my heartstrings, which brings out so many confusing feelings, from enjoying the song, of wanting to belong, of  the yearning to be desired and being able to sing this song wholeheartedly. Maybe I ought to celebrate that I'm finally okay accepting that I can feel multiple unrelated complicated feelings at the same time.

Stay

Stay right here,

Right next to me ,

Where I can hear the rhythmic sound of you breathing,

Where I can feel the warmth of your hands around me.

Let my skin graze yours,

Let the familiarity soak in,

Let me dissolve in the feeling so deep within.

Let's just be, without a word being said therein.

What wouldn't I do to let you peek into my heart,

What wouldn't I do to let you share a part of my soul,

But those are dreams for those who do not know life,

To me, just a moment of what might be, is enough to sustain for eternity.

Or so I tell myself, while I lay in your arms,

In that very thought, I shall drown.

(I had written this a very long time ago. I hardly feel any close to this level of mush anymore. But I've been feeling the creative lack in my writing with my blog posts turning into almost-diary entries. I am hoping that posting this gets my creative juices flowing again. 

Also, this is one of the shortest things I've ever written and yet it feels complete. Hence, achievement!)

A magical feeling

They enter this really fancy restaurant. One of the best in the city. She is dressed for the occasion; the kohl in her eyes more accentuated than usual, a slight hint of lip gloss and those lips that seem like they could break into a smile at any moment. She is wearing the most magnificent dress she has ever owned. It is a special occasion, of course. She sees one of those thinner women pass by, those that made her feel not too good way too long ago, a feeling she barely remembers now. She starts adjusting her dress trying to hide her inconsistencies, still unconscious of her actions, lost in her awe of the place. She feels a tug at her arm. She turns, only to find him mouthing the words "Do you know how beautiful you look tonight?" The smile travels from her heart right up to her face and she walks past, noticing only then, how the people around hadn't stopped staring at all.

He has no idea what she has in store for him. It feels like a typical dinner to him, something they did often enough. She stands up, not answering the curiosity that is his eyes. She goes right to the pianist who is playing Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'. She had known this was a restaurant that had a pianist playing and it was partly the reason why she chose this place. She wants to jump with joy at the sight of the grand piano but what she wore and what she intended doing, requires elegance. She recognizes what he plays, smiles her signature smile and whispers something in his ear. The pianist smiles while he slowly ends the song. She looks at her beloved, blows him a kiss, so graceful that all the Miss Worlds would be put to shame. She and the pianist exchange a look and she begins to sing.

"The first time.... ever I saw your face"

The expression on his face changes instantly. He already knows what he is going to say to her when they go home. He continues to listen, his eyes not for one moment, away from her.

"The first time..... ever I kissed your mouth..... I felt the earth move in my haaa ....and".

She relives the moment as she enunciates each word. She wants to laugh, the earth had indeed felt like it was moving, though beneath her feet. She was in a daze that night. They both had felt that feeling for too long. It was just waiting to happen. That perfect moment she wouldn't give away for anything. That hesitation. That anticipation. And then that overwhelming feeling that finally burst at the seams, giving way to something so beautiful, something so precious.

He hasn't forgotten that either. He still remembers the first time he met her. How he fell in love with her constant chatter. With her voice. With her kindness. She brought hope to his hopeless life. She brought life into his lifelessness. She brought just so much happiness. She came with an amount of love that is unfathomable in a human being.

""...ever I lay with you, I felt your heart so close to miii...ine..."

It was a party at a friend's place. A crazy one at that. She had come out to stand, a little buzzed, that peaceful happiness because it was that beautiful a night. He came out too, with a coke and whiskey in hand. The wind was cool and blowing against her face. She closed her eyes to feel all that nothingness. The peace in being alone. He didn't interrupt her. She heard his footsteps. Usually, she would want to enjoy this moment by herself. But today, she somehow didn't mind his presence. She slowly turned to look at him and smiled. They could still hear the music from inside the house. She looked up and then at him and said "My dad once told me how the Big Dipper rotates clockwise about the North Star." He smiled and said "Anti-clockwise" Her immediate reaction was to oppose it but instead, she said "Let's wait and check, shall we?" The alcohol had begun to hit her a little, or maybe it was sleep, but she sure was surprised that he knew enough to comment at all. They lay down on the grass, which they might not have on another day. And they spoke for so long, it felt as though time had stretched itself to let them feel the depth of it all. He suddenly pointed upwards, "You see, it just moved to the left of the North Star. I told you." He had a smile on his face, not the smug kind but the self-satisfactory one, of having been proved right. She chuckled. She wasn't the kind to mind being proved wrong, in fact, she appreciated it. She stood up and dusted the back of her dress, "Let's go back in?" He was surprised, a little disappointed at the sudden dismissal, the sudden end to their seemingly unending conversation. He hid his disappointment, looking down while getting on his feet "Yeah, I guess". He had already decided, he had to get to know this girl a little more. Little did he know, at that moment, she was thinking the very same thing.

And they both are back to the present. She still can't believe she is indeed standing here. Singing to him. The song that she has wished to sing for so long. She wishes she could explain to him just how much she loves him. How he brings out the best in her. How his presence is all she needs to forget that an entity called sadness even exists.

"Your face... your face"

He takes a few steps towards her. He doesn't know if he wants to let her finish or catch her unawares in an embrace. He decides to wait, still mesmerized in her voice. She finishes singing the last note to that song and before she can even turn to look at him, he already has her in his arms, while she feels his face against her own. She phases in, to hear people applauding and she breaks away from him to thank the pianist.

"You can never wait, can you?"
"Didn't I wait too long already?"

They laugh and the camaraderie they share is impossible to not want for yourself.

The pianist by then, had moved on to Unchained Melody. He holds out his hand with a question on his face.  She grins, "Could I ever say no to you?".

She places her hand on his shoulder, his hand around her waist. And they dance away, moving slowly to the song, to their own rhythm, in their own world, while the rest watch on.

Author's note:
I had gone to watch X-Men a few days ago. The first of the series that I have ever watched. Besides loving the movie and falling in love with the younger Charles Xavier *sigh*, this song brought back the intimacy and emotion that it is. I had first heard this two years ago and fallen head over heels, I could not believe a song could be this beautiful. And with my emotional upheaval in the past few days, I think this had to happen. I really really love that I managed to write this. It has made me so happy. Maybe, it is too good to be true, but indulging in something once in a while ain't too bad, is it? And I hope, one day, I too shall sing this to my beloved. :)