Forever Alone *Maybe Not*

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is a long time since a movie made me this emotional. Or maybe again its the time, the fact that I've been thinking about this so often nowadays and this movie comes and emphasizes exactly what I feel.

Memories are soooo important. The reason I survive. Or anyone survives. I remember things exactly the way they happened and remember every conversation word by word and every background is etched in my brain. I just need to think and I'm back in the place. So many things that have happened that have had so much significance in my life. Every word that was said to me, every emotion that was not even spoken yet was conveyed. Every word that made me feel wanted and loved in an otherwise alone world. Now when I leave, I cannot imagine surviving the rest of my life without these. At any point, I just have to close my eyes and relive even if not happy but that time of my life when I felt I am just so perfectly satisfied and I have no qualms at all. It matters so much that you tell people what you feel, how much you love them and not just keep saying that in your head. It matters so much that you give people a chance to love you and know you like never before. It matters so much that you might not have anything of what you wanted but what you did get is so precious that it becomes the main reason of your living.

Keep doing everything possible to hold on to these. These are that will help you pass through. They will make you cry, yeah, but that's what keeps you from turning into a stone. Every single thing that has ever touched you, keep it close, close to your heart, never let it go. Let the bitterness fade away but the good ones, those have to stay. Write it down, save it somewhere if you must and go find it on a rainy day, nothing like those memories to take you back. Or maybe I'm a little hopeless that way, lost in the past perennially in spite of living in the present. Call me romantic, call me crazy but then we all need that madness to survive. I think I am too sleepy and sounding high without actually being high so I'm gonna take your leave with deep thoughts running in my head.

Rambling for the world to know

Somehow I have forgotten what blogging was all about. I had suddenly made it into a bunch of essays I write only when there is something significant to write. Maybe its the sudden rise in number of readers, maybe that made me conscious.

 About having to appear perfect. That's what we all end up doing, don't we? When we realize we are being watched, we are being judged, we close ourselves to the world. Close ourselves to the people we know. Struggle not to do it with people who we really wish to know who we really are.

Not really expressing what you actually feel.

Not really loving who you really love.

Not really letting go of stuff you should have a very long time ago.

Not really doing what makes you feel like a Helium balloon.

Now I know. I have always known. But it is always easier said than done.

It's never about what people think of you or talk of you. It's never about the amount of time you spend with people. It is about being who you want to be. Being happy as you feel right. Dancing on the road even if a thousand people are watching you. Singing loud and clear even if you're clearly off key. Don't change yourself for the world. The world was never meant to be there for you. If you start taking up all of the worries that exist, there will be no "You" left to live.

Stop looking around. The ones who want you are there. The ones you want may not always be. But the former will always make up for the latter. Cuz you were there for them. Or so you would hope.

It is ok even if that isn't there. You can always make up for the absence of anyone. I have realized it is difficult to get bored if you really didn't want to. That's saying something when you don't even need money for it.


Be "You". Be yourself. Because in the end, you're the only one you can rely on, forever and for always.

"And she rambles on,

for the world to know,

she tramples on hurt deflated egos,

as she has none of her own."