Music memories in the brain

I've gone down this memory lane route a couple of times the past few months, where I've been listening to songs from my college time and work time on repeat. It reminds me of romantic times, where there was the hope of love, the hope of acceptance, and the hope of just being free - of being able to run away from decade long issues that I had never dealt with. I think all I did in college was run far far away from all the sorrows of the two decades past.

And it also reminds me how much I did IN FACT love bollywood music. Like damn, this song is so catchy, I loved listening to it every time it came on TV. I loved the colors, the places, the expressions, these songs clearly act as timestamps to parts of my life. The movies are impossible to watch, because inevitably they will be an all round cringe fest. And yet, there is a teenage version of me, that continues to feel all those unrequited feelings, that I had hoped for the longest time, would finally be requited.

It's weird that the more years that pass, the older you grow, you realize there are so many parts to yourself, attached to specific years, those nuances that seem pretty much non-existent, until you listen to these songs, and that hope, that yearning, and that romanticism comes back out of nowhere. (This is unfortunately also true of bad memories, where all it takes is one smell, one song to take you back but I'm currently enjoying the happiness, so gonna punt on that).

Honestly, these are the things that make me curious about the brain, about learning about memories, about how these things get stored in your hippocampus, waiting to be retrieved in the right moment, and releasing all the emotions associated with them as well. *Sets reminder to read books/papers about music related memories in the brain*

This is where I think (in these good moments, I must emphasize again), I would like technology to be able to store these memories. But I also know, the main reason that these memories feel so fond, is because it has been so many years, I have forgotten the awkwardness, and the loneliness associated with these times.  All that pain I pushed away, despite the fact that it came to bite me in my ass recently, I don't regret it.I think for what it was worth, I tried living in the moment. I think there is some joy to the idea of fleeting time. Of both living in the moment, and not feeling like you're quite living that life, as though you are inhabiting it as an outsider. It was a weird feeling to be completely accepted for someone I was not. Haha. I think just saying that feels so weird. What a conundrum that must have been, to not be able to put that feeling into words, like I can now - 10 years since then. To establish your lone self, and yet wait for  someone to see through you, the real you and tell you they like you the way you are.

I enjoyed the college festivals, I discovered my love of live music, I discovered Pearl Jam! I learnt how I had this social side I could totally leverage to know tons of people. I remember laughing a lot when I was in college. I miss having jam sessions with my classmates, I think there was an intimacy to that feeling, to knowing that people stayed back just for the music, to be able to sing, to feel completely vulnerable in a weird moment, while still worrying whether it was scary to give all of yourself in. Now I think I have found that vulnerability and belonging in research, in learning, among people who seem to love and want to know more, but I still can't stop craving the music part of it. Now that I have identified it,

Here's a song that definitely pulled at my heartstrings, which brings out so many confusing feelings, from enjoying the song, of wanting to belong, of  the yearning to be desired and being able to sing this song wholeheartedly. Maybe I ought to celebrate that I'm finally okay accepting that I can feel multiple unrelated complicated feelings at the same time.

The year of hope: Part 2 - Ft. Antidepressants, Anxiety and Me

2018 is over. I am still alive. (Here's some context.)

And that is very telling of this year. This year has been exhausting. Physically, politically, academically and emotionally. It felt like I was dragged through this year, always attempting to jump through a hoop that was always too high.

Tried to run away but I stayed put;
Tried to stay put but my mind kept running;
So I surrounded myself with a general numbness;
That didn't help either.

And therefore, after all this struggle, I had to finally accept that I do have anxiety; quite a bit of it. I have suffered from it for 3 years at this point. It explains the perpetual mess in my room, the inertia to wash 4 vessels, being unable to get myself to take 10 steps towards the shower, the constant overplanning in my head for seemingly stupid things -- all these things that are so unlike me; and yet they have been me. I wrote about it a few months ago. I thought putting a name to it would help it vanish. Alas, that was not meant to be.

And that's when Mr. Andy Puddicombe came into the mix. For the uninitiated ones, he is the voice of the trending app Headspace, the one that makes meditation sound cool. For years, I dismissed meditation, even though I have parents who have sworn by it, even though I knew it did not have to be religious. But mindfulness meditation seemed to be the only thing that got me breathing again when I choked with panic during anxiety attacks. So, I began the "Managing Anxiety" series with the intent of finally saying goodbye to this nasty piece of shit. But in the very first few days, his words were "You are building a relationship with anxiety, you are not trying to get rid of it." Oh well, that plan was ruined. And I gave up.

But then, anger reared its ugly head. Anger I have never been familiar with before, anger I have always suppressed just beneath the layer. It's the worst kind of anger too, anger at my own self. I learned not to hate myself, not to be unkind and yet I did not know how to release this anger, which led to a lot of self-harm thoughts. Never as a real plan, but more as an outlet, just to escape this feeling of being stuck.

And thus, I was prescribed anti-depressants. Which led to more anger. But I needn't have fought it so much. I was suddenly focusing again. Not losing hours in fear. Not waking up feeling miserable. I do have productive days generally, but I don't remember the last time I could begin working sooner rather than later, when I didn't spend hours drafting a mail, when I didn't hate myself when I got to bed because of a wasted day. And out of nowhere, it was working. Now, I know that medicine doesn't help resolve all things because clearly despite it, when things started resembling a Rube Goldberg machine, it was as though I was back to where I was, running away from everything. But, at least the good days help me get by, just a little. I would give anything for that "just a little".

More so now than ever, given I am taking my prelim exam the second time in the next two weeks, after having failed the first time in May. It is hard not to deal with all this foreboding. As I said sitting on the proverbial therapist couch, I just feel like I have all this potential, all this belonging, all this love for the work I am doing, that seems to be going to waste because of the damned A-word. But I am not ready to give it up.

I was talking to a friend a few days ago about all this, who on listening, told me about positive visualization. Positive visualization is when you visualize how you would feel when you succeed at something you've been worried about, imagine that feeling in all its glory. Her unbeatable logic about doing this, is given how much energy we spend thinking of all the negative what-ifs, why not spend quarter of the time thinking the other way around? Ironically and obviously, the What-if monster came right back up. I pushed it away and tried imagining how I would feel if I did pass my prelim exam. Well, as is typical of me I have this whole speech for my advisor written up in my head about how thankful I would be to him. Here's where I wished I believed in God. Believed that they would ensure I am fine. But maybe for now, I am my own God, my own torturer, my own believer.

This is not to say that I did not have a few good days or a few good weeks.

I saw one of my closest friends, someone who knows the ins and outs and all possible details of my life after 4 years. And that I have met her all of one time ever in my life and yet she means so much to me, that's incredible. To actually take a vacation, explore places and know that we aren't terrible when we are in person together was quite the relief.

I settled into the idea that my sister is around. The couch in her very comfortably lit living room has become an unruinable haven for working, the two attempts at my prelim from that couch are attestations to that. With her around, I got to celebrate Diwali for the first ever time since I came to the U.S. My God, I could cry. Diwali defines happiness in very inexplicable ways, and to do all that I associate with Diwali felt unbelievable.

And of course, my first ever publication. It was just a workshop, and just an extended abstract. And yet it felt unbelievable. They felt so familiar, I had read and referred to their papers so many times. That workshop made me feel and believe that I belong, in this community.  That is a feeling I can't quite ever get over. I want more of this, so much more. really really really am looking forward to more of that, I really want to use that to fuel my working in the future.

I started meditation again too. Even though my mind jumps hoping for immediate relief, I tell it to be patient and to be kind. I thus learned to slow down this year, which mostly manifested itself in my music, which was beautiful. I was able to let go, get out of my head, believe that I know the notes, and just sing, without worrying whether I would reach the high notes, or how my voice would sound. I just sang. It has been years, years since I sung that way. Though bad habits are hard to break, this one seems to be on its way to be broken.

This also showed up in my relationships. I realized that showing my vulnerabilities, make things better. I am no longer scared of people leaving me. I still have pent up anger about a few people I had to leave, but it seems more like anger at myself, that I hope I can iron out over time.

I read more than 30 books this year. All because of 15 minutes in the morning with Coffee, and 15 minutes right before bed. It got me through the worst of my anxiety, provided the escape I needed, the calm I sought, and brought my second favourite hobby back in the groove.

The last time my new year's post had this title, the year bent over backwards to ensure all hope was broken, or at least attempted to. I don't want to be superstitious about titles. This is indeed another year of hope. There is this new found drive in me. Maybe it's the third year push, maybe it's having narrowed down my research problem to some extent, maybe it is that I think this problem is MINE to solve. Whatever it is, I have this drive, this thrill that I am not ready to let go. If the antidepressants continue to work, my therapy kicks in and I do pass my prelims, I can effectively channel this drive to do what I have wanted to do for so long, what I have trained for.

If it doesn't happen... I don't know. I just don't know yet. I've had bad periods and I have gotten out of them. I guess I just have to hope I will get out of this one too. The optimistic part of me doesn't want to leave this on this note, but it's how I feel.

But something certainly good amidst all this uncertainty is I am finally going home after 2 years. I know for a fact, that I am going to be doing mental zoomies like an energized puppy. I get to see my parents and experience some familiarity. That can't be too bad, right?

In some ways, this post is a lot like what it feels like inside my head. Circular, a snake eating its own tail, weird back-propagation of arrows, reinforcement - negative and positive.

But I'm done. I'm ready to break free, of these shackles, from this cycle, this circular fear and never-ending inertia.

Here's to hope and Freddie Mercury.

Glorious 27

26 felt inconsequential but 27 feels like something. It may be because it brings back the memory of having read the biographies of two music legends who died at that age. The point where they had just begun to succeed, where fame had just caught up to them, a few more years and they could have produced the best material of their lifetime. Because of multiple reasons, either unanticipated drug overdose or suicide, they died and then they were made legends, because that was just before their best was to come, just not yet.

This feeling weirdly, very weirdly feels a little too applicable to me at my to-be 27. I am where I think I need to be, and this feels all right and all that struggle makes sense (in hindsight, of course. How else do we deal with the constant disappointment and awkwardness yet unexpected and undefined happy moments that is our life?). I could die at this point, letting people epitomize me in the idea that if there was anyone meant to do research, it was me (that's quite some self-aggrandizement, isn't it? if only I told that to myself every single day for motivation).

This new year began with a lot of melancholy, confusion and being too burnt out and just this idea of not knowing for sure what I really was doing. I had forgotten how books can heal - I was reading a book that made me completely forget where I was, my presence completely lost in those pages. I had forgotten how writing can feel so right, even now it feels unbelievable how therapeutic this feels, just being able to put my thoughts into words. I also completely seemed to have given up on music in the past few months and my guitar just sat there, my heart yearning to play yet my mind refusing to take that first step - the mind that was lost in the quagmire of the perception of busyness.

Which reminds me of an incident that happened two weeks ago. I was walking home and was definitely not in the best place and a random person who walked past me, paused to look at me and continued walking in the opposite direction while saying "Hare rama hare rama....hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare be happy" as I continued looking at them. And I burst out smiling, because it made me think; how assured we are in our belief of individualized lives in our own bubbles but here we are, giving away so much just by being in the physical presence of another person even if for a split second. It was a very real moment and I realize - I don't want to be lost in the labyrinth of my thoughts that are filled with dead ends, not again. I know I have an exit that I can take always and find myself again, be myself again.

But maybe some of this is also because a lot of "shaking the tree" has happened in terms of me learning about myself, in isolation from the society and people's opinions and my own damn opinions from a lifetime, that for the longest time I believed defined me. I've had moments of ups and downs and belief and disbelief through this phase. I think I have finally accepted myself for who I am - in the good and the bad - and maybe, just maybe, I like a few bits of this person here and there. And this really played itself out in terms of trust. Trust that I am worthy of relationships, trust that I am worthy of this research position and trust that even if I screw up, as long as I am willing to accept the responsibility and consequences of things and work towards things that really matter to me, as long as I am being true to myself, that's what matters. (or so I'll hope until I have to do a round 2 with this, and then I'll write about that as well. :) )

This acceptance of the bad has probably been most surprising and the most calming, I know now it is not the end of the world even though I believed it was, for way way too long. Someone once told me about how I overthink to the point that I have to plan even to have fun and it wasn't meant to be a good thing. But to be honest, that's who I am. I plan excessively. I think too much, about too many things and too many people. But I have finally learnt to try to give myself credit too, to not hate myself for how some things might manifest themselves. This might mean I have to plan every fun moment in my life, but I don't really care, because at least I'm having fun. :)

Another not so subtle realization is how I am so much closer to who I really am in all my vulnerabilities and wants and weaknesses (described here elegantly or not so elegantly based on how you see it). I don't feel apologetic about how much I feel or express anymore or who I am as a person. I AM a computer scientist damn it, and I can finally say it after 12 years of doing this, 6 years too late (but at least not never?). I want to see more women, talk to them, see myself in them, hopefully learn to navigate this path of feminism where I can learn to emulate the successful men and women in my lifetime without giving up my identity.

A nice moment that happened was that I FINALLY reached 100 posts this year. Well, 100 posts in 10 years isn't spectacular; but I was waiting for 100 for a very long while. Even though this blog has been on and off, it's definitely here to stay. I feel like I gave up everything that are therapeutic to me to pursue something that means something but not giving it enough credential either. So here's to changing that - to spending time doing things that are meaningful in a conscious manner. 

So you see, 2018 might be the year I actually found myself and began living for real. And then again, if I do die, wouldn't it be just that poetic? :D

In memoriam, to his fashion sense, to his novel use of the wah-wah pedal, to my love of blues, to him being made a legend before he even hit his peak, here's Jimi with one of my favourite songs, Little Wing.

https://vimeo.com/166581864

The real me

For 24 years I lived,

Believing I am who they told me to be,

Who they told me I really was.

A people lover

A mother figure

A kind soul

A happy woman

A dependable friend

All positive, all adjectives

That you couldn't possibly complain about

Or could you?

And here I am,

Living in a world where I didn't

Have to be anything they said I had to be,

I am all the things they didn't ever say I would be.

Sad, angry, frustrated, truthful, lonely, inappropriate, lustful, nerdy and quiet.

This is what seems closest to my discovery of me,

To feel all that I could never feel;

I no longer care about what they ever said or will ever have to say,

All I know and care about

Is that I am the real me today. 

The many small questions and the few big answers

I am ushering in the new year on quite a high really. I think it has been quite some time before I felt this childishly happy. There are a few legitimate reasons for the same

1. I had one very good last week of the semester.
Something I have kept referring to for the past few years is about how it feels alien to have a good thing happen to me. I'm almost on guard for a bad thing that I believe, will most definitely follow a good thing. I might have finally given up on that this year. That week, was a week of too many snippets of good news ( which i will now tag as the good-news-week in the post). I passed two of my classes with grades that ensure I don't have to take them again and grades that might have been too good to be true. Yours truly, as usual, was happy to deny she had anything to do with it. But I am learning to give myself credit, so I might have come around to accepting it. This was followed by my flight being delayed and missing my connecting flight and reaching Mumbai 2 days later. But I got to spend the 2 days in my own home and not in a dingy airport gasping for fresh air. I guess I should consider it enough proof that good things can last by themselves after all. :)

2. I am okay with being an adult

It began when about 10 days ago, I wasn't asked for an I.D. while entering this lounge (which is unusual given if you don't look above 40, they do ask for it). And amidst jokes of looking old enough, I realize it didn't matter to me. Mostly people hate the responsibilities that come with it, but I guess it has been long enough that I have come to accept those the way I expect myself to brush my teeth every single morning. I learnt that adulthood comes with its share of turmoil, especially during this phase, where most people are going through their quarter life crises. That I definitely do not have solutions to most problems, that conflicts are unavoidable, and the fewer people, the better.

What has also changed, is my perception of my parents. I now see them as fellow adults, with a little more experience, of course, but nevertheless, stumbling through each day. I see them wondering how to let go of us as adults while we ask to be treated as kids when home. It is so much easier to talk to them, to be understanding. I give them a lot of credit for having transitioned to this mode of being with us, treating us back as fellow adults. In fact, I had this detailed conversation with my dad about love and emotions in a very different capacity, where I found this side of him that I knew existed, but something that never came through before now. That was interesting and a lot easier than I had imagined.

Majorly, I realized I am now in that phase of my life where I see my parents once a year and otherwise, we continue to live individual lives, hoping the other is fine.*sigh* Maybe that slightly hurts.

3. I am home
I won't deny. Coming back home was scary. I know it has only been around a year since I left and I should have been dumb to think that I would remember nothing. But the truth is when you adjust to an extremely foreign place, creating an alternative reality for yourself as a coping mechanism, you often don't remember where you belong, if you belong at all. It was an eye-opener when the typical American politeness in an Indian shop returned embarrassed responses from the employees who felt they were just doing their job. Either way, being welcomed with the smell of bhaturas, being rejected by the autowallahs, and just driving around with my family, was therapeutic, to say the least. I think I had forgotten how good home can actually feel. My sister and I spent time with our parents, and that is pretty much all that we did; making family trips out of tasks to be completed, playing music and eating food.

I came home with ideas about being extremely logical, especially about love and other such emotions. But just being around my family, I realized that maybe, I need to let the feeling of safety and the calmness that is home just sink in, not seek to define or articulate these feelings. Trust that if someone feels like home, maybe that is a relationship to uphold, that is a person to trust. These are very redundant thoughts maybe, but to me, it feels like a lesson I am relearning finally getting out of a few constructs I had built around myself.

4. I now have a U.S. drivers license #good-news-week

   (which is apparently a big deal, I hear)

  

5. I am now a Ph.D. student #good-news-week

I don't even know what to say. I was mostly stupefied, even though it was kinda expected given how things worked out. I know I did work hard for it, it didn't just land in my hands. But I know I got extremely lucky in terms of the work I am getting to do and the people I am getting to work with, from what it seems right now. I think it is finally sinking in, that I am in fact doing what I have wanted to do, for almost 10 years now. Right now, that can actually overwhelm me given my personal expectations of myself, so I am trying to take it as it comes, just focus on work like I always have, and hopefully, that results in good things. I am happy. I jump between extreme calm and extreme excitement for most parts, but I guess it is gonna be a satisfactory 4 years, at least I hope it will be.

I happened to meet Sanaya ( my first ever friend) on New Year's Eve and I think I could not have began 2017 in a better way. Based on our conversation, I think I am done being so serious about everything, I know a lot of my light heartedness came from being home, but I really think I need to start enjoying the good times I have in order to be able to brave through the difficult ones. Maybe something to consider seriously.

My year definitely started out fuzzy and happy. A blissful content happiness I haven't felt in a long while. And the two resolutions, if at all, that I have for myself, is to have faith in the good times and in the good actions of people and to truly be happy when I can. Simple to advise about, difficult to implement. :)

Wishing you a productive and hope-filled new year as well. :)

And here's the happy song I want to share. A song I loved when I could hardly talk and I recently realized, it is definitely a guitar song I have to learn. Big plans for the future, indeed. 

(Mr. Big - To be with you)

P.S. Technically, this post is 10 whole days late. But given that this is the first post of the year, I haven't really missed a "deadline" now, have I? :D

Whoa! Did I just turn 25?

This year's birthday was hardly typical. I did have a few hours of great people and good music to count for it. Two submissions due, craziness ensued until I came home in the night ready to get to my bed.

I think the whole "OMG, am I turning 25 this year?!" moment happened a long time ago and then nothing yet. But 25 does feel like the age you should be given the medal to have reached. Your parents too should be given a medal, I think. And all relatives and family friends must be banned from asking anything about the most hated 'm' word.

With every year you age in the later 20s , it feels like you grew a decade older as opposed to just a year. It feels like if you don't do all the things you've always wanted to do in your life now, you never will. Which is probably why it is scary to grow older at this point I guess?  don't think I totally subscribe to that thought but I hope after 30, I'm just chilling and I don't really care.

 I must have been high during the new year to think I have no resolutions. I should have just started with, try and learn to be concise and precise. Long winded sentences, half baked sentences, just cannot be excused anymore. God, it has come to my notice after all these years. Not like I haven't said it before but I admire people for having listened to me (or ignored successfully and never let me realize) but just goes on to show there's always scope for improvement. Learning to pick myself up after every fall also seems to be a recurring theme that I might have to consider a late resolution, this semester for sure. 

I also think the whole point about reaching the wrong side of 25 is to start getting your shit together. You are where you are because you wanted to get there, or your actions got you there. Own up and act the part to perfection. That's the advice I'm giving myself anyway.

The funny part is, most songs of Oasis give you such a 80s rock feeling that they hardly feel like they are from the 90s but your opinion is definitely changed when you watch the video. This is a recent discovery, and God, am I addicted to it.

(I found this draft randomly and I wonder why I didn't post it. It doesn't even seem incomplete that I can leave it for the next one. So going ahead and posting it for the sake of the effort that was made)

I'm here!

Finally! After having written multiple new year posts referring to this very day, I am actually here. A dream come true.

Umm, not exactly. No, it is not what it seems to imply. I got back to studying like a person who rides a bicycle after a decade and they're on their way. But the second half of this year has definitely been terrible health-wise. Spending-so-much-time-at-the-hospitals-and-health-centers-that-the-receptionists-began-to-recognize-me terrible. It included not being allowed to sing or play the guitar for three months, two of the things that keep me sane. Phew, you would think this is as bad as a Greek mythological task where you are setup to fail. ( Influence of having read the complete Percy Jackson series in less than a week! I highly recommend.)

Yet, I can call these 4 months the best I have ever had in way too long a time, despite all the hardships and breaking down. I have not felt so alive and real in years. So I haven't given up, not yet. I think the last few days of the semester were bad, it did reach the crazy level I was waiting the whole semester for. I did win eventually. It makes me wonder how often hard work is correlated with winning. I absolutely believe in it, but I wish people addressed how stressful grad school really is, more openly . Anyway, I think I still cannot dismiss the majority of the feelings felt, which is grateful.

There are so many days when I wished I had never gone to work, that I had applied right at the beginning and lived what I am living now. But I guess that's not how it works. I am sure I would have taken it for granted, just having gotten out of college, with rose colored glasses, not really knowing how life looks like otherwise.

I now have really come to believe that sometimes, you really need to live your worst to do your best. So that you know how precious that moment is, how precious that feeling is, how much you really want to do this. I now know enough to say I want this without wondering "Do I really want it or is it just me being extremely emotional and stupid?". I am so worried that a day will come when this will stop feeling like a dream and will feel like drudgery and I might be inclined to stop halfway. But there is also a part of me that thinks that it might not happen because I am in a place where I can actually go ahead with my ideas, there is nothing to stop me, there is only encouragement from all directions. I definitely do not know if these ideas will fall flat on their face (which I am sure they might) or other mishaps I haven't taken into account might happen but at least, I have a chance. At least, I have an option to try. And THAT, I cannot and will not take for granted, having craved this moment for years.

That was quite some emotion, now for the real deal. 

This semester has also been about believing in myself again. I have finally worked on projects, learnt languages, tackled interviews in a way that I always perceived the other smart person to be able to do, but never me. This semester, I did it all. I am very impressed with myself. I am glad I can say that I am impressed with myself.  I am relieved, that I am not dumb after all. I also figured I have become quite strategic about addressing ways of handling work. I always thought strategy and hard work never go hand in hand but it turns out, working hard in a smart manner does transform itself to a strategy.

It also turns out that I've become quite the introvert in the past three years, such a far cry from what I was identified with back in the undergrad days. Also, after years of refusing to do so, I have finally let myself accept that there are different levels of closeness with different people and it actually helps me be a better friend. Maybe the two are related. I think it is because I just don't have the energy in me to hide my real thoughts and feelings, I'd rather just talk to those who know me well enough for me to not have to justify anything that I say. For that matter, in general, I have just started saying what I think and feel as opposed to masking the same. I can assure you, it is the highest level of relief you could ever feel, since this comes from someone who used to hate offending people even if it was unintentional.

Something I am very proud of, is that I stuck to the resolution of having some physical activity part of my daily routine, despite the crazy schedule. I have realized that, that adrenaline peak is something that is utmost necessary and so is the endorphin release. I love it. And I know I will continue it this year as well, to better results, I hope.

A few days ago, I sang a Carnatic music song. It was on the insistence of someone I hardly knew. But after three months of the singing break I had to take, after that yearning to sing all this time, it felt magical. I had forgotten how amazing it feels, as though with every word I sang, every wound in my soul was healed to full capacity. I think I am definitely getting back to that, no doubt.

Somehow this year, I don't have any thing that I specifically want to live by or get done because somehow over the years, I believe I have assimilated them into myself. I'm not saying I don't have room for improvement, I have loads of those. But this year, I am peaceful. I am thankful for where I am. And I hope this year just gets better. I will ensure I put all of my heart and soul into everything that I do and hope that it counts.

I am going to leave you with the thought that sometimes, if you work hard enough and want something enough, you will get through all the hurt and horrible times to where you wish to be. You just need to believe in yourself and your effort. I wish you a very happy new year. Leaving you with this song because I believe it is happy enough to represent my state right now. :)

Before the high wears off

It's not the end of the semester. Hell, it is not even close. But well, I just got done with both my midterms today! I'm listening to Pearl Jam while writing this before people start discussing the midterm and I figure all the places I made stupid mistakes in. I just want to enjoy today and kinda think about the time that has been the last two months. I am finally here. Living my dream. After all of that crying, waiting, hoping ( du du du du du .. sorry, that song just came right up) for way way too long. I don't think I really believed it until my plane was about to land at Detroit and I almost wished it didn't because suddenly it was way too overwhelming with my hair standing on end.

But like it turns out, I didn't really have any getting used to studying or getting back to studying, it felt as natural as wearing a jacket. It never felt weird, it just did not. And I don't know if I am speaking too soon, but honestly, I don't think I've been happier in three years. I haven't felt this alive in so damn long. I just haven't.  I'm not saying there aren't tough times and doubtful times, lord knows I've had quite a few of them in just this small duration. But still, at least I don't feel listless. At least, I don't feel like my brain is rotting away while I just get by.

I had decided that I would try and let go of my past and all my disappointments and unfulfilled expectations and hope for this to be a fresh start. Fresh start, this word has been abused so often, and I think we tend to want these a little too often. But the lines have been pretty blurred. It didn't feel like a whole new beginning or whatever, it feels like a continuum of sorts. And I'm writing this knowing that if I suck at my midterm, I am gonna hate myself (clearly, I can't stop thinking even if I want to!) but whatever I said is true either way. So I am at peace, at least for today.

And Ann Arbor has been super welcoming. (At least that's what it leads you to believe until winter, is it? Or maybe, after winter, I might say eh, that wasn't so bad, I hope!) With all of its honestly unbelievably pretty places that have got me wondering "Really? Do I actually call this place my home now?", I love it. There are squirrels scurrying around digging up random places. There is this family of deer that walks past as though it doesn't give a shit about anyone who stares at them and smiles and chuckles and laughs and wonders about clicking photographs (a.k.a me). Why, I even spotted a skunk (and stayed far away, just in case :P). I hope I don't stop getting amazed at these things, it makes those tired walks to college something to look forward to. And fall is just so beautiful, so damn beautiful. It feels sad to see trees being barren but it also makes me look forward to the leaves growing back in spring. :)

When someone asks me what is it that I want to do or study and what I see myself doing, I actually don't know. The last few times I was so sure of doing something, it always changed and then I was stuck. Right now, I think I have an idea of what I would like to do without the details or even that one sentence description, and I think I have come to figure that sometimes, that's actually good enough. But one thing I do know, is that I want to make a difference. I want to learn the depth and not swim in the shallowness that is Jack of all trades.

It is a rainy morning here (yes, this post is continued over two days), and rain as always gives me a sense of calm with the whooshy sounds of the wind and pitter patter that feels familiar. The sky is overcast and the place looks just so beautiful. Not an average studying day at all. But I think I should get back to my books.

What it looks like outside my window!

This song kinda seems perfect for the weather, it's smooth, it's comfortable, it just glides beautifully in the background. I think Pink Floyd is perfect for too many situations. That being said, a few poems are in the works, so I shall return to this space very soon. :)

Crossed fingers

Wonky is the word. Yep. That’s the word to describe this year. Just like a wonky internet connection that gives you hope for a few moments and right when you are about to pay that bill, it gives up on you. This year had too many unexpected frustrating moments like those. I think, my last year’s new year post is laughing at me, because I am writing this from the same old room, sitting on the same old bed hoping for the same thing yet again. I had called this year the year of hope. Ha! Looks like this year was hell bent on attaching a negative connotation to the word hope for me.

Weirdly, it hasn't won yet and I wonder why. Maybe because, for me, hope means what it means only if you have done the ground work. The lowest low that I thought I had hit last year decided to go all “Mariana Trench” on me this time. Quite a few horrible days. Those unbelievable days you just wait for to end so that the next day can begin and time can pass quickly. Too many realizations and yet none of them provided me the satisfaction that they are expected to.

This year was also one of the years where I had to let go of people who meant too much to me on account of various reasons. Some of them went on to pursue their dreams and as much as I didn't want them to go, the part of me that cares for them obviously gave them the best wishes possible. Some of them, it was what it was, I hope they know how much I love them and that I will always care as much as I always have for them and I hope the universe knows to whisper it in the right ear. Some, I almost lost them but I was able to save in the nick of time. Too much emotional drama for a year I think.

When I look back and think how I was and what I was thinking exactly a year ago, when I realize the stark distinction in me, it is quite overwhelming. This year was a year of breaking all my assumptions, all possible expectations and everything that I took for granted. Which is probably an extension of life or karma, whatever you may choose to call it. The past year made me re-evaluate everything and every thought about myself and what is it that I really want to be. Which isn't so bad when put in perspective. But the change is something I don’t really know about yet.

Though I must say, there were three spectacular things that I was fortunate to experience in 2014 that I want to remember all my life - My birthday, ‘Yanni’ concert and the Udaipur trip.

This new year was ushered in with a lot of laughter. It began with fireworks giving me the feeling that it is the beginning of something. It was ushered with wishes from people who wished that I would go ahead and pursue my dreams this year. Somehow, that gave me hope again. Man, this whole studying thing has begun to mean way too much to me, my eyes tear up at the mere mention of what I want my near future to look like. I sometimes think it is good I worked for a while. It made me realize how much I want this and also want this much more. I think I can safely say the feeling is absolute and not a result of anything. There is NO way I am gonna slack off if I do get an opportunity to study, I’m going to become a recluse who might just die of Vitamin D deficiency.

Looking ahead, what do I wish to do this new year? Things from last year that worked for me that I want to continue. Taking things one day at a time? Absolute brilliance it is. Helps keep me calm when it isn't in my hands. I realize I panic a lot lesser. This was very evident in my application process this year which I happened to finish a month before the deadlines. It might have been because of the wisdom gained from last year but it was the patience too. I definitely want a lot more orderliness in many ways in my life.

I want to listen and listen patiently this year. Something that the Udaipur trip taught me, people always pour their heart out when you listen calmly. And patience so that you will let them complete what they have to say and not let your unstable emotions take over the words from your mouth. I don't know if it will help. But I think it is always good to listen.

This year, maybe a typical resolution in general, but very different when it comes to me is to be fit. Oh, the first resolution to be broken, you may say. But no. My aim to go run, gym, swim, or whatever physical activity it was, besides the fact that I enjoyed the time spent was always to lose weight, never a priority, always something I quit the moment things of higher priority came; only to resume a long time later. But no more. I want a little more discipline in my life. I want to make physical activity a part of my life such that it is as natural as that want to sleep when it gets closer to your bed time.

Having done all this, I really wish that next new year, I am closer to where I want to be, closer to what I want to achieve, closer to the person I want to be.

This year is about letting go of things that cannot be helped. It is about forgiving yourself for all those times you wished you had done it differently. It is about letting go of sad memories and realizing the importance of the ones that reassure you. It is about letting go of relationships, because of distance, physical or emotional, temporarily or permanently. It is about beginning on a new note, it is about bringing in new change, by your own hands. It is about keeping the faith, and believing in yourself.

Here’s to yet another year.

Phew!

There comes a time in your life when you finally discover that one thing that means the world, no, your life to you. It comes from somewhere so deep inside, it's intrinsic and you cannot imagine life without it. I'm at the cross-roads of such a feeling.

This application process can be a self-discovering/rediscovering process if you want it to be one. Rather, it invariably becomes one of that. For those of you to whom this is news, either you don't know me or you haven't met me in the last 6 months. 6 months. This is all I have thought about. Self doubt. Times of unruly excitement. Times of excessive panic.

It started off as a small thought. M.S. was always the plan, I entered this place thinking of it. But a Ph.D.? There was always the desire but then wishes generally remain just that, right? I assumed it must be the way I wanted to become a doctor. Just how I would say all my life, that I so wanted to become a neurosurgeon but I didn't think it was meant for me.

But apparently not. The dream of discovering something, had always been there. It wasn't meant to be a forgotten dream. I went ahead and took the step. Though I still do not dare say it, because I just can't get myself to believe it. And when I do, the look I get is usually this.

   or         

But then again, came the good wishes too. Every time I told them that it's a little scary because it means so much to me, they would say that they really believe it will turn out well. It's not so much about them saying as much as it is about how much they meant what they said.

I don't know if I have done enough. It's that obvious feeling, the one when you are done, you wonder, if there was a better way of doing it all. But then I think, I gave it everything I had, everything that I could give. And I have a few people to thank who never let me give in or let it be. Those people who made sure I never went down the sad spiral. Those who bore each and every mail, edited my documents and essays more than what the time they devoted would justify. You know who you are and just how much I love you!

The past week has been so happy. The amount of happy I haven't been in the past 18 months, I think. I have already finished a book, played on the guitar every single day, sang a lot and told everyone who would listen to me that "I AM DONE!"

I don't know if it is because I think it will all work out. That it is always meant for the best. That I have finally taken the step that I have waited for, for the last 5 years almost, to study as much as I can. :)

The last 6 months have made me believe that I meant to do a Ph.D. Like I told a friend of mine, 10 years from now, I want to be in research. I don't care when I start. But that's what I wish to do in life. I don't know how long this fierceness will last. This determination. If it is just the age factor or something more.

I know that writing this makes it so much more real. People keep these things so hushed up. This is real. But again, if you don't jump, how would you learn to fly, right?

So I guess I am just going to have to wait and watch. :)

Just be

This time, my visit home felt so very different.  Maybe because it has been a long time since I went home. Or because what I expect out of life has changed. It felt good to be the kid and to be addressing someone else as "Aunty" instead of cringing on hearing that about you. It felt good that I was there in my world, not having to worry about interaction or things that I can't even define anymore.

I guess it's not really about being the kid. It's about the pretense you don't have to keep up. It's weird how much you pretend when you are grown up. You pretend that you are above all things normal, that you don't feel sad when someone doesn't talk to you, you just convince yourself to let it go. You laugh so hard as though it was the funniest joke you have ever heard but all you want to do is break a vase into a thousand pieces. Fun becomes partying and getting lost in the unknown and not having to bare your emotions to anyone. When old memories are rekindled, its a weird feeling, that of sweet pain, something that is complete as it is incomplete. And as beautiful as this emotion is, we just don't want to feel it anymore. We learn to push away that morbid feeling when we are no longer the priority of someone's life. It takes something smaller with each time, to build another layer, to build another wall.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to 'appear' perfect every moment of our life, as though the whole world's problems depend on us, when we can hardly piece our own life together. We keep getting more and more vulnerable and we keep pretending that we are tougher than we ever were. We break down so much more often in the pursuit of becoming unbreakable.

All I am trying to say is, you aren't alone. Each of us is stumbling along on our own way wondering when this pretense will finally end. When we will no longer have to worry about the people judging us for being who we actually are. Waiting for someone to come and heal the cracks in our hearts into a scar, a scar that we will cease to remember exists.

Until then, don't be afraid to feel. Don't be afraid to believe. Don't be afraid to break. Don't be afraid to fall.

Because as much as we would like to believe that being imperfect is the most abnormal thing, there is, in fact nothing more natural. So, go on. Just be.

On that note, this song.

The Manali - Rand effect

There is something about an Ayn Rand book that reinforces what I already believe. It feels like a modicum of life waiting to be discovered as a part of you and it pops out of nowhere.

When I started reading Atlas Shrugged, I thought all I want to be is the crazy workaholic. In the middle, I realized the person I wanted to be. By the end, I knew the kind of people I want to be around. The ones who inspire me. 

I want to be the girl who people look up to. Who achieves more than what is expected of her. A woman, the one who crashes right through the glass ceiling. 

There is something that came to me. We use the relationship that has been established to define our actions and what we deserve or need to provide. Do we ever learn when that relationship becomes a plain shadow of what it used to be and yet we continue to expect what we do not deserve? Our previous actions can only help us predict what we might do but you can't expect a result of something that used to be. If there is anyone who propagates unconditional love it's me but the moment you call it out as a sacrifice and expect to be pitied/appreciated/recognized for the same, your purpose of that love has been lost. I've never realized how much the self conscience matters even when it comes to love.

Joy for it's own sake has been forgotten. I've never read something where they spoke about people who love what they do to love their life for the same sake. You always read about how people have forgotten to stop and stare, how work has consumed them but this is probably the first time I read about how that consumption gave them the greatest redemption from degradation.

I learnt how scared in fact we are of facing reality. How we screw up things just to avoid it. I also realized how easy it is to reach a solution once you have seen the reality in its absolute terms, with nothing to confuse yourself about, nothing to cheat yourself about. 

Something that I think is evident in Ayn's books is the importance and intensity of emotions. The words she uses to express the emotions that are being felt is unbelievable. And the way she uses "dearest", that's when the romantic in me comes out of nowhere and makes me attach so much more importance to that single utterance.(that will be the last romantic mention I make, thank you very much :P )

I am so influenced by this book, it is scary. I even wondered if she had conveyed exactly the opposite would I be this convinced? I doubt the possibility, this is so fundamental and so ideally right, though it does seem an utopian world, there are parts of it you'll reach.

 I realize I want to admire the second person. I want to compete naturally, the motive not being to beat the other person but to keep getting better though if the effect is to beat the person it shouldn't really matter. I have always been competitive but I admire the person who has the skill to beat me and seeing that brilliance and knowing those people exist is probably why I survive. Of course, I do have times where I wonder why am I not as good as someone else but that can not and will not become my complete sense of thinking cuz they are the reason why I still have some hope in whatever system I am a part of.

As much of a dramatic dialogue this may seem like it feels like I have rediscovered myself. The person I used to love myself to be is back. I thought experiences and maturity changes who you are but apparently it doesn't... I guess reading the book and the lovely nature that accompanied me, that which I have always loved made me believe in myself again. About the endless possibilities. Just by being me. Without anyone else at all. I have no clue, absolutely no clue how long this feeling will last, but I think I know the absolute me and THAT is gonna be with me for as long as I have a sense of understanding and consciousness. 

That I love what I do, that I know I love, I'm gonna make sure it keeps me going till the end, I don't want this to be the result of what my age gives me, I want this passion to drive me throughout my life. I know there will be more times where I won't feel like this as opposed to feeling this way but as long as I have spurts of them , I think I'll survive.

In her own words,

"I trust that no one will tell me that men such as I write about don't exist. That this book has been written—and published—is my proof that they do."

And I will be one of them. 

Blyton, my first love

SO I found the book First term at Malory towers on one of my colleague's desks and I happily borrowed it. Thought it's gonna be lying somewhere as a memory of what I used to love reading when I was young but before I knew it, I couldn't keep the book down and I had finished reading it, for I think the millionth time maybe and that nice feeling doesn't escape me.

I think I should be thankful to my mom that she introduced Enid Blyton to me and my sister right when we were 9 and 7.These books despite being written so long ago still manage to bring out exactly those emotions that a kid needs to grow up in the right way. I remember the first time I read Malory towers. My thoughts resonated with Darrell's so much, I thought it couldn't be possible. Right from being the studious girl to having a younger sister who adores her and being straightforward and kind, reading the book reaffirmed that I was doing it right. All those incidents that bring out the best and worst in a person puts you through all those thoughts and for me then, it was a life changing experience, though I never realized that until this very moment. (After that,recently Fountainhead has lived to be the life-changing experience for me, if I haven't forgotten any other book. )

 Must say the same about Harry Potter, that I was lucky to have read (well, at least the first three books before it became a not-so-ideal-book per se) at exactly the times Harry Potter was the same age as me with every book that released. And those ideals that a teenager learns through those books, I don't know if it would have been the same experience had it been real life. But it made me remember that I wanted to go to Malory towers much before I wanted to go to Hogwarts.

Sometimes I wonder if I missed a lot when I missed the hostel/dormitory life. Not that I regret what I had, but these stories make it sound so lovely, it would have been worth a shot.

But I know one thing. Kids need to read these kind of books before they are exposed to Twilight and Vampire diaries and all that trash that I wouldn't even know the names of. THESE are the books that help you make decisions about yourself though you never realize that you did so. And these decisions last a lifetime. They define your very persona. Sigh, just how much I love this book.

If and when I do have kids, I think I have my ideal first book for them.

Got to get the remaining five and read those as well.

P.S. Very random this is, I know. But I just decided to write about it before the feeling melted away.

P.P.S. If you haven't read it, maybe you should try it, quite the recipe for a happy after-feeling :)

Metamorphosing into a butterfly

                            There is this weird sense of independence when it comes to us people who start working after a whole life of being in the shadow of our parents. I call it weird because you are so overwhelmed by it, you don't know what to do with it. It's a very weird state in life really where you are subject to mood swings where one day you are cribbing about how you don't have a special someone to the next day when you're talking about how you absolutely don't enjoy your work and sometimes all of this together on a so-called weekend (you might classify this as typical girl behaviour but I insist otherwise) . The only difference being , you do all of this lying on your bed looking at the ceiling with no second person to snap at.

I must say, it really is a different thing living alone. Completely by yourself. Fending for yourself almost. For someone like me who hasn't really had the hostel experience, it's a change not having my mom insist on me cleaning my room or wake up on time. I'm sure I would have been thrown out of my house if I didn't take a bath till 6 p.m. like I do here.  There was always something about college that made you feel protected and not really feel as though you were away from what you are most comfortable with.

But work, it has too many things associated with it.

Like that sense of loneliness. That sense of finally reaching that stage from which you can never turn back. All the things that go wrong when you are staying according to your own wish. How you try to salvage some of your relationships but end up pulling them down. The pressure you put on yourself to prove, to succeed, to live despite all the odds.

Of course, you would say that I was brought here on a silver platter with the job in my hands even before I knew it. But no, the last 9 months were weird. Despite me being the person who adapts to new places and people so quickly, I didn't. My expectations and what was put in front of me were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Me, the ever-optimistic people-loving person had lost hope in people. I tried to salvage what I thought, what I felt but nah, none of it happened. So I went about surviving that way. Just waiting to get out of this place and pursue what I indeed love.

But then,I have changed so much in the last 9 months. All that breaking down and going ahead to live another day does that to you. But that time where I changed made me realize what I had been doing wrong all this time. I was sitting moping around just because I had forgotten how it was to live by myself. And how perfect it could be if I made it so. But well, that was inevitable. At least, that realization did come finally. If anything at all, I'm happy I've been through that low so that won't be something I'm gonna have to deal with once I start my next phase.

Now that I think of it, starting to live by yourself isn't all that sad. That comfort in staying alone and doing how it pleases you with no one to interfere is delightful at times. I'm loving all the me time spent in hours of solitude in the midst of books and music. I'm loving how my weekend has turned into sleep + working on that love to study rather than searching for a new series to start watching. And probably because I met a few people I could relate to, all that jazz about not having a boyfriend that felt so huge in college now is just another phase in life. Maybe that's because finally after God knows how long I have a group of single friends! And hanging out with such people is definitely a feel good thing. (P.S. I even started going to the gym regularly though I won't say it for sure unless I do it for a long time by my standards)

The first 6 months made me so much aware of who I really am. What I really want out of my life. Few things that you see around you without a bias influences you in ways more than one. Few key decisions were made which is good. Like for example, the decision to do a PhD. I still don't know whether it will materialize but a decision stays one until you change it for the next,no? :)

So there is nothing new in what I've said to be frank. Everyone has gone through this and lived to survive it after how much ever long it took them. Nor am I saying all this to scare you about this whole life out of college.

It is just that we need to be ready to be jostled into actual life. Where you don't have a cushion underneath you to bounce you back. When you thought you were absolutely prepared for anything but you didn't know what it could be. You need to understand that all those things that were hidden or you chose not to see when living an absolutely dreamy life shall present themselves in front of you in all their glory now.And you WILL get used to it. And even start seeing the silver lining in the whole situation.

Now, it seems like I have been doing it for a long time. And I am comfortable and have adjusted well, if not happier. I know this is gonna happen again. But this experience coupled with my unending sense of optimism shall make me rise to the top. And then I shall have an epic story to narrate. :)

Until then, you'll have to bear such blog posts of mine. :P  Hope you have a great day to look forward to. :)

You're perfect

If you're a girl reading this, there has definitely been "one" day in your life when you have thought that every other girl looks better than you, dresses better than you, is thinner than you...you know, those self bashing days. Sure, guys have their corresponding days too with respect to other things but let's not get into that. Although I pretty much find it dumb to define yourself using such shallow characteristics, I have to confess, I am one of those females too. Someone who has those days a little more often than they need to be. I'll never believe that I can look pretty. Even if I am told by more than one person, people who I don't know who are bound to give me an honest opinion cuz otherwise they would give none. But I will still convince myself that it was just said to make me happy.

No, I am not writing this so that you can join in the bandwagon of convincing me otherwise.( I am pretty sure that some of you are gonna say "Who the hell told you you look pretty. You are a fat cow". You know who you are :P ) It's just that in an outing I had with a larger unknown group compared to the ones I usually hang out with, I happened to observe people in a different light altogether. You can broadly divide them into these.

Some who are the typical pretty girls, the kind the guys look out for..those who are very aware of that..and flaunt that even..

Others who know they can look prettier but choose not to but for certain occasions.

But there are three other kinds that intrigued me the most. Something I never really paid attention to in all my years.

Pretty females who don't know they are pretty.

And some who simply believe or maybe just don't care about it.

And others who look pretty when they're doing what they do best.

The last 3 intrigued me the most. Cuz there was no one I didn't identify as pretty at some point in time. How do you define pretty, beautiful at all? Being attractive? Well, that is the first thing that pops into your mind. Then how do we justify the last three? That's the thing. You as a person will always give someone else credit instead of giving yourself just because it doesn't satisfy the universal definition of pretty. I think the movies have spoiled that for us. They will always show the nerdy, not so fashionable girl as the slender,short skirt wearing heroine's side kick. And more often than not, you tend to relate with the side kick more than the heroine. You are made to believe that that someone will ever think of you as someone worth spending attention on is a dream that will never be fulfilled. This is a very sad thing cuz it is completely untrue.


You never wanted to be physically attractive. Maybe you did but it is more of a matter of wanting to be accepted, wanting to be a part of something. Maybe you think that being attractive helps you skip the first step but we tend to forget that that isn't the only step. Sometimes, it isn't even a step at all! But yet we want everyone else to validate us for our own selves. We want someone else to tell that we are wonderful. I think that is where the fault lies.

That time when you're doing what you love or what you do best, or when your natural instinct takes over, when you completely forget the image that you have built around yourself,  when it ceases to be the superficial you, THAT makes you pretty.

When you meet a friend after a long time, the delight that you see on their face on meeting you cuz they know how much they love you and likewise, that smile that appears on your face almost instantly, THAT  is being pretty.

Others who don't care. Way to go, people! Cuz you don't need someone to tell you you are awesome. You know you are. You may have times when you think otherwise but meh, you won't bother about that, would you? That confidence, that belief, THAT makes you pretty.

"Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" is universal when the first and the only beholder that matters to you is YOU yourself.

But girl, if all of this still doesn't convince you, don't worry. Remember all the times someone told you how they loved the small things about you. Those days when these feelings didn't creep up on you. One day, you'll be told that you're prettier than the hottest girl in town, you'll laugh unconvinced. One day you will be loved so much that being pretty won't matter to you. When you won't need to write/read something like this to convince yourself of the same. You'll realize that it was never about being pretty. It was always about being you, completely you. And when that happens, go look in the mirror.

You'll find the most beautiful person you've ever met staring right back at you. Content. Happy. As she was always supposed to be.

Breaking the habit

            Yes, I know the linkin park song plays in your head the moment you see the title(No? where have you come from? ). But yes, it's difficult to break a habit. Any kind. Unless it involves succumbing to temptation or laziness. Depends really. I am seeing my blog after ages. Actually, I don't even remember when was the last time I sat and read some of my old posts and wonder "Damn! Did I actually write that?!" which I somehow did very often during the period of my last exam. (And you thought I was studying ) which reminds me, I really don't remember how much I scored in my last sem. If you had asked me that 3 months ago, pat would have come the answer.

And that's what I am talking about. Working, I tell you, changes perspectives in ways you can't even imagine. After rejoicing for 10 days about how much money has been credited to your account, the one and only concern that seems to top your list is how the hell did your bank balance reduce by xyz amount. xyz cuz the amount really doesn't have a lower limit but I can definitely say xyz << amount my flatmate has spent on setting up her @home like bedroom. :P You're thinking how to impress your manager in spite of not doing too much work ( still miserably failing at the "not doing" part), letting the weekend just pass away by sleeping like a hibernating bear, how to save taxes so that your monthly salary would increase by like 100rs,why, sometimes even about where you want to be 10 years down the line.

In this rut, we forget the small mundane things that used to give us the simplest possible joys, forget to remember people who we would meet everyday at one point of time, forget what life actually means to you. I know, this is the point where we are *supposed* to be responsible and think of our career and the greedy part of our brain starts calculating how you can have your very own penthouse by the time you're 30.

In that pursuit, we forget to address a major issue in our life. HOW TO LIVE. So,go ahead. Give yourself a break. Go and enjoy the rains out there instead of complaining how it gets you home so late from office. Immerse yourself in the songs you used to sing out loud instead of it being background music while you work. Pick up the dusty old guitar and play a few chords. Feel the familiarity rush in. The actual habit. As you try and break the "working" habit. :)

(P.S. I couldn't stand the fact that my blog hadn't been updated for three months. Funnily, I'm getting back to work at this very moment :-/  I have so much I want to write. Gonna try and practise what I preach :) )

Love, etc

Emotions are overrated they say. Love is overrated they say but its hardly so. We all struggle, our whole lives even, trying to find a purpose of our living..some of us make living for the people around us a purpose..and times when we're being ourselves,stupid, reckless,not knowing who we are,where exactly we are going, just sitting around letting life take its course,even though you may not know,perhaps you'll never realize,you would have been the purpose of someone else's life....someone who you would have taken for granted time and again...and you don't realize how much it matters until its gone..

I'm starting to analyze my life all over again. I've been living my life in phases,different phases with different people. It is all magical when it starts, all so natural, so effortless with promises of not letting it remain a phase; least of all a forgotten one. But beyond a point it takes so much of an effort to keep up with someone you love, the ease of it somehow lost in the midst of so many others that you may have met. Those feelings for the first ones hasn't gone really. It can't go. Emotions can't be lost like a pair of car keys, can they? It's just locked away in some part of your heart. But once it's gone it doesn't take more than a similar experience to unlock it all over again. But the awkwardness, the knowing what it was, knowing what it has become, knowing this is all but a futile effort save for a bleak ray of hope, THAT makes it difficult. You know you love the person but the amount of passion with which you did when it started seems so far away..How much you convince yourself that its the one thing you need to survive and how much of an effort you make to not let go of it when clearly at times there is nothing left to save. Will you still remember the unbelievable connection you both had or will you just let it hide behind the big wall of indifference that you have built in front of you?

It is so difficult to love one person forever. It is only a matter of time and situation that all the bad things about them stare right into your face. You forget all the good things that made you fall in love with them in the first place, those that never even let their faults come close to your sight forget your knowledge in the beginning. Don't tell me I am all wrong. It all takes effort, effort to hold on to the good times in spite of however bad a time you may be passing through.

Talking about bad times. The whole thing about being there for someone. Do you really mean it when you say you'll be there for someone whenever they need you? Maybe you do. But will you make sure that your said word is kept? Really difficult. Its so weird when you realize that all the promises made to you have always been empty and its that temporary pleasure, that moment then and there that matters when they actually say they'll be there for you. It's weird how forever usually means as long as the two of you find it convenient to "actually be there" for the other person. This love I tell you. It's weird. Sometimes you love a person so much it really doesn't matter beyond a point if they are there for you or if they even love you back or even make an effort to acknowledge your love. You just love. You're always there. Always make that special effort without even intending to. The very aspect of hanging around for someone for so long. Too romanticized it may seem but knowing me, I'm sure I'm gonna end up doing that.

And I'm not just talking about the "being in love" love. All kinds. Every relationship that you may have seen or have been a part of. Sometimes its as though this is what your life is all about and a career is just to sustain something like this. Sometimes you just build your life around the people who you love or who you assume/take for granted love you back. It is sometimes weird how dependency gives rise to love and vice versa. How much we want to be loved. How much we think that  it gives a purpose to our lives. Even if you feel worthless otherwise, nothing like knowing that someone somewhere cares about you and wants you to be happy is enough to inspire you to do something better. The one thing you think you need to survive and you really don't ever understand it all. Maybe that's the trick..The mystery keeps it up.

We probably will never know why we are here. Probably never know why some things happen only to us. Probably regret the position we put ourselves in at certain times or be happy that we did something for someone else despite what we feel. But we will continue to survive. And this love that I'm talking about, however bittersweet it may be, hopefully would be one of the reasons why life would no longer need to be survived but lived.

(For those of you wondering what triggered off such a post, it is this book called "One day" by David Nicholls that Ashmita suggested I read and what a wonderfully woven story it turned out to be. DO give it a read if you're in that typical mood as I am in right now)