26 felt inconsequential but 27 feels like something. It may be because it brings back the memory of having read the biographies of two music legends who died at that age. The point where they had just begun to succeed, where fame had just caught up to them, a few more years and they could have produced the best material of their lifetime. Because of multiple reasons, either unanticipated drug overdose or suicide, they died and then they were made legends, because that was just before their best was to come, just not yet.
This feeling weirdly, very weirdly feels a little too applicable to me at my to-be 27. I am where I think I need to be, and this feels all right and all that struggle makes sense (in hindsight, of course. How else do we deal with the constant disappointment and awkwardness yet unexpected and undefined happy moments that is our life?). I could die at this point, letting people epitomize me in the idea that if there was anyone meant to do research, it was me (that's quite some self-aggrandizement, isn't it? if only I told that to myself every single day for motivation).
This new year began with a lot of melancholy, confusion and being too burnt out and just this idea of not knowing for sure what I really was doing. I had forgotten how books can heal - I was reading a book that made me completely forget where I was, my presence completely lost in those pages. I had forgotten how writing can feel so right, even now it feels unbelievable how therapeutic this feels, just being able to put my thoughts into words. I also completely seemed to have given up on music in the past few months and my guitar just sat there, my heart yearning to play yet my mind refusing to take that first step - the mind that was lost in the quagmire of the perception of busyness.
Which reminds me of an incident that happened two weeks ago. I was walking home and was definitely not in the best place and a random person who walked past me, paused to look at me and continued walking in the opposite direction while saying "Hare rama hare rama....hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare be happy" as I continued looking at them. And I burst out smiling, because it made me think; how assured we are in our belief of individualized lives in our own bubbles but here we are, giving away so much just by being in the physical presence of another person even if for a split second. It was a very real moment and I realize - I don't want to be lost in the labyrinth of my thoughts that are filled with dead ends, not again. I know I have an exit that I can take always and find myself again, be myself again.
But maybe some of this is also because a lot of "shaking the tree" has happened in terms of me learning about myself, in isolation from the society and people's opinions and my own damn opinions from a lifetime, that for the longest time I believed defined me. I've had moments of ups and downs and belief and disbelief through this phase. I think I have finally accepted myself for who I am - in the good and the bad - and maybe, just maybe, I like a few bits of this person here and there. And this really played itself out in terms of trust. Trust that I am worthy of relationships, trust that I am worthy of this research position and trust that even if I screw up, as long as I am willing to accept the responsibility and consequences of things and work towards things that really matter to me, as long as I am being true to myself, that's what matters. (or so I'll hope until I have to do a round 2 with this, and then I'll write about that as well. :) )
This acceptance of the bad has probably been most surprising and the most calming, I know now it is not the end of the world even though I believed it was, for way way too long. Someone once told me about how I overthink to the point that I have to plan even to have fun and it wasn't meant to be a good thing. But to be honest, that's who I am. I plan excessively. I think too much, about too many things and too many people. But I have finally learnt to try to give myself credit too, to not hate myself for how some things might manifest themselves. This might mean I have to plan every fun moment in my life, but I don't really care, because at least I'm having fun. :)
Another not so subtle realization is how I am so much closer to who I really am in all my vulnerabilities and wants and weaknesses (
described here elegantly or not so elegantly based on how you see it). I don't feel apologetic about how much I feel or express anymore or who I am as a person. I AM a computer scientist damn it, and I can finally say it after 12 years of doing this, 6 years too late (but at least not never?). I want to see more women, talk to them, see myself in them, hopefully learn to navigate this path of feminism where I can learn to emulate the successful men and women in my lifetime without giving up my identity.
A nice moment that happened was that I FINALLY reached 100 posts this year. Well, 100 posts in 10 years isn't spectacular; but I was waiting for 100 for a very long while. Even though this blog has been on and off, it's definitely here to stay. I feel like I gave up everything that are therapeutic to me to pursue something that means something but not giving it enough credential either. So here's to changing that - to spending time doing things that are meaningful in a conscious manner.
So you see, 2018 might be the year I actually found myself and began living for real. And then again, if I do die, wouldn't it be just that poetic? :D
In memoriam, to his fashion sense, to his novel use of the wah-wah pedal, to my love of blues, to him being made a legend before he even hit his peak, here's Jimi with one of my favourite songs, Little Wing.
