Forgotten

I have forgotten those times,

When my heart did not know the immenseness,

Of what was going on,

It just kept on feeling,

Like that feeling always belonged.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart was being wrung dry,

It couldn't possibly bear, not any more,

But it kept on going,

Like nothing had ever gone wrong.

I have forgotten those times,

My heart wanted to be numb,

Escape from all those emotions,

That it just didn't want to know, not yet,

A little more time, before it took the plunge.

I have forgotten those times,

When you began to slip away from me,

I kept believing I was holding on to you,

When in fact, all that was left, was a mere shadow.

I have forgotten how it used to feel,

When I heard those songs, those that spoke of waiting for love,

The memories come to me,

And it is all that is left of those feelings.

Yet I know there's a part of me,

The one that I keep hidden, the one no one knows exists,

That holds on to the day when I can remember again, feel again,

And weep those tears in emotions galore.

I shall keep close to me,

The existence of such a possibility,

Until then it shall remain forgotten,

While it remains in the back of my memory.

Tales of 24

24 was always far away for me and my sister. It was the age when my mom got married (though she strictly encourages me to finish studying before I even think of marriage and just how much I love her for that!). Right since I was 14, my sister would begin going  “la la la la la la” the moment someone even mentioned marriage and I always used to think ’24 is too far away, why the hell should I care about it now?’ I don’t have to think about it for 10 years now. (I was 14, I wasn't allowed to use 'hell' even in my head :P.)

I don’t think I ever planned the future in a clear manner. I didn't know then what working actually involved so I couldn't see myself doing so. But the one thing that has been constant since then is the want to study.

Look at me now. Here I am. All of 24. I keep repeating it to myself to remind myself that I am indeed that old. The age that I thought would never come.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  For the first time in many years, I did not feel that tinge of sadness that is so typical of us singles surrounded by happy romantic couples smothered by roses and teddy bears and excessive love. I did the cheesiest possible things for my girlfriends here, took them out for dinner and we had the most amazing evening filled with revelations. It felt so amazing to be present in that moment, where I could make someone feel so special. All of us wish to feel that, yes, even though we may have multiple occasions where the corresponding better halves do their bit. But those times, when it comes from someone and somewhere unexpected, there is always a hint of delight to it. I do hope they felt as much.

Something I have been feeling stronger about with every passing day is how I need to involve myself in a lot more music, a lot more writing as well. I watched Roy the other day and there was something about that movie that brought out that dreamy alternate world, the other worldly feeling that engulfs me when I sit to write a poem. I felt that after ‘Begin again’ too. It brought out the feeling related to music that is so entrenched in me, the feeling that accompanies me wherever I go. I definitely want to write more songs, both lyrics and music and actually sing them outside of the four walls of my bedroom. (Yes, I have definitely advanced from the bathroom singing which is now reserved for improvisations and falsettos :P.) The night of my birthday triggered this feeling too, when we were jamming and I just sang my heart out, improvisations et al., for the first time in the presence of others. I wish I could explain how it feels, but for that, I would have to cut my heart out, place it in front of you and hope you can feel a small part of it. (While I write this, my brain is going, “Your brain, your brain, not your heart!” but the poet in me just cannot let go of metaphors. :) ) I hope it happens a lot more when I am eventually part of a band (again I hope). I am guessing I am not too late, maybe I should write a few of my own songs in the meanwhile. Oh Marine drive, just how much I miss you.

Today, I also went for the 3k run organized by the Hyderabad Runners club. Quite measly when compared to the half-marathon or even the marathon, but man, the way they make you feel when you enter that finish line, it is as though you did something spectacular. It was nothing like those 100m races in school where I always failed trying, or at least felt like I did. Always left in that sinking feeling where I began to believe that sports was never meant for me despite the inherent liking I had for it.  I think I am going to cherish the feeling from today morning and keep it pushing me towards where I want to be.

I was telling a friend of mine, that I have begun to appreciate the importance of simplicity of friendships and conversations. And just now, I remember having written a post with the same title. I had written it in the wake of a whole lot of people I had discovered and what I had believed then to be the ideal way. There is a part of me that wants to plaster a big ‘LOL’ on top of this post but I will not. I understand that as much as you try and make something as simple as it gets, unless the other person wants and does the same things, it will never reach that pinnacle. And sometimes, as much as you might care for someone and they might care for you, you will always tend to be biased towards those friends who understand you so instinctively, with whom you don’t have to be careful about what you say, it does not matter how you behave or how often you talk, they get you. I KNOW, the then-me would never agree to this, always believing that more is possible but I guess now I know better. I am thankful to have a few of these special ones with whom it never ceases to remain the same :) . Though I don’t think I will ever stop trying.

Now you might wonder why this post feels like a whole bunch of updates rather than one coherent thought. I think it has a lot to do with my state of mind, which I think is comparable to a dementor :P; though I am not trying to suck happiness out of people’s lives, I am definitely trying to get those happy moments out of all the small things that I may do. And writing this post has made me quite emotional as well, maybe it has a lot to do with how much of this came from my own self, just me, without having to depend on anyone else. That makes it all the more special. And a lot more close to my heart as well. Leaving you with this song that reminds me how I want to feel when I eventually sing and play my own song in front of an audience with a similar ensemble. :)