Music memories in the brain

I've gone down this memory lane route a couple of times the past few months, where I've been listening to songs from my college time and work time on repeat. It reminds me of romantic times, where there was the hope of love, the hope of acceptance, and the hope of just being free - of being able to run away from decade long issues that I had never dealt with. I think all I did in college was run far far away from all the sorrows of the two decades past.

And it also reminds me how much I did IN FACT love bollywood music. Like damn, this song is so catchy, I loved listening to it every time it came on TV. I loved the colors, the places, the expressions, these songs clearly act as timestamps to parts of my life. The movies are impossible to watch, because inevitably they will be an all round cringe fest. And yet, there is a teenage version of me, that continues to feel all those unrequited feelings, that I had hoped for the longest time, would finally be requited.

It's weird that the more years that pass, the older you grow, you realize there are so many parts to yourself, attached to specific years, those nuances that seem pretty much non-existent, until you listen to these songs, and that hope, that yearning, and that romanticism comes back out of nowhere. (This is unfortunately also true of bad memories, where all it takes is one smell, one song to take you back but I'm currently enjoying the happiness, so gonna punt on that).

Honestly, these are the things that make me curious about the brain, about learning about memories, about how these things get stored in your hippocampus, waiting to be retrieved in the right moment, and releasing all the emotions associated with them as well. *Sets reminder to read books/papers about music related memories in the brain*

This is where I think (in these good moments, I must emphasize again), I would like technology to be able to store these memories. But I also know, the main reason that these memories feel so fond, is because it has been so many years, I have forgotten the awkwardness, and the loneliness associated with these times.  All that pain I pushed away, despite the fact that it came to bite me in my ass recently, I don't regret it.I think for what it was worth, I tried living in the moment. I think there is some joy to the idea of fleeting time. Of both living in the moment, and not feeling like you're quite living that life, as though you are inhabiting it as an outsider. It was a weird feeling to be completely accepted for someone I was not. Haha. I think just saying that feels so weird. What a conundrum that must have been, to not be able to put that feeling into words, like I can now - 10 years since then. To establish your lone self, and yet wait for  someone to see through you, the real you and tell you they like you the way you are.

I enjoyed the college festivals, I discovered my love of live music, I discovered Pearl Jam! I learnt how I had this social side I could totally leverage to know tons of people. I remember laughing a lot when I was in college. I miss having jam sessions with my classmates, I think there was an intimacy to that feeling, to knowing that people stayed back just for the music, to be able to sing, to feel completely vulnerable in a weird moment, while still worrying whether it was scary to give all of yourself in. Now I think I have found that vulnerability and belonging in research, in learning, among people who seem to love and want to know more, but I still can't stop craving the music part of it. Now that I have identified it,

Here's a song that definitely pulled at my heartstrings, which brings out so many confusing feelings, from enjoying the song, of wanting to belong, of  the yearning to be desired and being able to sing this song wholeheartedly. Maybe I ought to celebrate that I'm finally okay accepting that I can feel multiple unrelated complicated feelings at the same time.

Tales of 24

24 was always far away for me and my sister. It was the age when my mom got married (though she strictly encourages me to finish studying before I even think of marriage and just how much I love her for that!). Right since I was 14, my sister would begin going  “la la la la la la” the moment someone even mentioned marriage and I always used to think ’24 is too far away, why the hell should I care about it now?’ I don’t have to think about it for 10 years now. (I was 14, I wasn't allowed to use 'hell' even in my head :P.)

I don’t think I ever planned the future in a clear manner. I didn't know then what working actually involved so I couldn't see myself doing so. But the one thing that has been constant since then is the want to study.

Look at me now. Here I am. All of 24. I keep repeating it to myself to remind myself that I am indeed that old. The age that I thought would never come.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  For the first time in many years, I did not feel that tinge of sadness that is so typical of us singles surrounded by happy romantic couples smothered by roses and teddy bears and excessive love. I did the cheesiest possible things for my girlfriends here, took them out for dinner and we had the most amazing evening filled with revelations. It felt so amazing to be present in that moment, where I could make someone feel so special. All of us wish to feel that, yes, even though we may have multiple occasions where the corresponding better halves do their bit. But those times, when it comes from someone and somewhere unexpected, there is always a hint of delight to it. I do hope they felt as much.

Something I have been feeling stronger about with every passing day is how I need to involve myself in a lot more music, a lot more writing as well. I watched Roy the other day and there was something about that movie that brought out that dreamy alternate world, the other worldly feeling that engulfs me when I sit to write a poem. I felt that after ‘Begin again’ too. It brought out the feeling related to music that is so entrenched in me, the feeling that accompanies me wherever I go. I definitely want to write more songs, both lyrics and music and actually sing them outside of the four walls of my bedroom. (Yes, I have definitely advanced from the bathroom singing which is now reserved for improvisations and falsettos :P.) The night of my birthday triggered this feeling too, when we were jamming and I just sang my heart out, improvisations et al., for the first time in the presence of others. I wish I could explain how it feels, but for that, I would have to cut my heart out, place it in front of you and hope you can feel a small part of it. (While I write this, my brain is going, “Your brain, your brain, not your heart!” but the poet in me just cannot let go of metaphors. :) ) I hope it happens a lot more when I am eventually part of a band (again I hope). I am guessing I am not too late, maybe I should write a few of my own songs in the meanwhile. Oh Marine drive, just how much I miss you.

Today, I also went for the 3k run organized by the Hyderabad Runners club. Quite measly when compared to the half-marathon or even the marathon, but man, the way they make you feel when you enter that finish line, it is as though you did something spectacular. It was nothing like those 100m races in school where I always failed trying, or at least felt like I did. Always left in that sinking feeling where I began to believe that sports was never meant for me despite the inherent liking I had for it.  I think I am going to cherish the feeling from today morning and keep it pushing me towards where I want to be.

I was telling a friend of mine, that I have begun to appreciate the importance of simplicity of friendships and conversations. And just now, I remember having written a post with the same title. I had written it in the wake of a whole lot of people I had discovered and what I had believed then to be the ideal way. There is a part of me that wants to plaster a big ‘LOL’ on top of this post but I will not. I understand that as much as you try and make something as simple as it gets, unless the other person wants and does the same things, it will never reach that pinnacle. And sometimes, as much as you might care for someone and they might care for you, you will always tend to be biased towards those friends who understand you so instinctively, with whom you don’t have to be careful about what you say, it does not matter how you behave or how often you talk, they get you. I KNOW, the then-me would never agree to this, always believing that more is possible but I guess now I know better. I am thankful to have a few of these special ones with whom it never ceases to remain the same :) . Though I don’t think I will ever stop trying.

Now you might wonder why this post feels like a whole bunch of updates rather than one coherent thought. I think it has a lot to do with my state of mind, which I think is comparable to a dementor :P; though I am not trying to suck happiness out of people’s lives, I am definitely trying to get those happy moments out of all the small things that I may do. And writing this post has made me quite emotional as well, maybe it has a lot to do with how much of this came from my own self, just me, without having to depend on anyone else. That makes it all the more special. And a lot more close to my heart as well. Leaving you with this song that reminds me how I want to feel when I eventually sing and play my own song in front of an audience with a similar ensemble. :)

                         

The better alternate universe

I couldn't possibly not write about this. Ironically, a week ago, I couldn't even explain it. I didn't have words. It is just that crazy. I still remember that moment. That moment I was so scared of for the past few days. My heart raced and I could feel it beating hard and loud. I thought something is going to give up on me. But when it came, all I did was close my eyes. Or look down. It didn't matter. Because only one thing was running in my head. And in that moment, I forgot everything else. It was mine. Mine, all along. As though, everything else insignificant, unimportant was shifted to some place I couldn't recognize, to be completely consumed by one wholesome feeling. Overwhelmed I was. I never believed I was capable of it. You look like a guy, they said. You sound like a guy, they said. That that very thing might make you sound so different and unexpected, they never said. But my mom did. If not for her, I don’t think I would be here, talking about this at all. And my two teachers, without them, I don’t think I would ever have reached for the skies like I did.

All I could think of, were the words that were coming out of my mouth. I didn't even realize where I was, what I was doing. There wasn't even the possibility of thinking of anything else. That music had taken me into it. Damn, this feeling, I can’t shake it off. That hour before, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I don’t really know what else to say. That day, I remembered the first ever concert I had attended. I remembered being in that moment, with the people who sang, with the people who played and the smiles adorning their faces. I had just begun to learn music again then. I even wrote a whole post about it. And now when I go back and read, I feel blessed, to have ever felt this feeling, even once. I feel grateful again, that I am actually able to learn this art, to be a minuscule part of it, as much as every living cell in my body knows that without music, I am not me, I cannot exist. And it is something that helps me tell anyone I meet, including you, who is reading the post. If your reason for not singing, is “I can’t sing”, “You would run away if I begin singing”, “I don’t have a good voice”, take it from someone who has come past it all. I would never have believed that it can ever come to me. That I, would actually not think my voice sounds weird. I never would have imagined my dad would be incredibly happy on having heard me, that my mom would be incredibly moved. There is this unshakable feeling in my head which tells me, music was always gonna be a part of me. 

I bought this poster a few weeks ago and it is just so apt!

In a similar way, I think this small thing has made me believe, that I am gonna learn Carnatic music for as long as it takes. And hopefully, just hopefully, the first day I have my own concert, when I actually sing niraval and Kalpana swaras, I don’t think I would ever hope for more. Ever. I didn't know I was even capable of feeling so much. But having felt it, I am just so so grateful and thankful that I have this with me. Finishing on a note where I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat.

 The brilliant part? I am at peace. 

A magical feeling

They enter this really fancy restaurant. One of the best in the city. She is dressed for the occasion; the kohl in her eyes more accentuated than usual, a slight hint of lip gloss and those lips that seem like they could break into a smile at any moment. She is wearing the most magnificent dress she has ever owned. It is a special occasion, of course. She sees one of those thinner women pass by, those that made her feel not too good way too long ago, a feeling she barely remembers now. She starts adjusting her dress trying to hide her inconsistencies, still unconscious of her actions, lost in her awe of the place. She feels a tug at her arm. She turns, only to find him mouthing the words "Do you know how beautiful you look tonight?" The smile travels from her heart right up to her face and she walks past, noticing only then, how the people around hadn't stopped staring at all.

He has no idea what she has in store for him. It feels like a typical dinner to him, something they did often enough. She stands up, not answering the curiosity that is his eyes. She goes right to the pianist who is playing Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata'. She had known this was a restaurant that had a pianist playing and it was partly the reason why she chose this place. She wants to jump with joy at the sight of the grand piano but what she wore and what she intended doing, requires elegance. She recognizes what he plays, smiles her signature smile and whispers something in his ear. The pianist smiles while he slowly ends the song. She looks at her beloved, blows him a kiss, so graceful that all the Miss Worlds would be put to shame. She and the pianist exchange a look and she begins to sing.

"The first time.... ever I saw your face"

The expression on his face changes instantly. He already knows what he is going to say to her when they go home. He continues to listen, his eyes not for one moment, away from her.

"The first time..... ever I kissed your mouth..... I felt the earth move in my haaa ....and".

She relives the moment as she enunciates each word. She wants to laugh, the earth had indeed felt like it was moving, though beneath her feet. She was in a daze that night. They both had felt that feeling for too long. It was just waiting to happen. That perfect moment she wouldn't give away for anything. That hesitation. That anticipation. And then that overwhelming feeling that finally burst at the seams, giving way to something so beautiful, something so precious.

He hasn't forgotten that either. He still remembers the first time he met her. How he fell in love with her constant chatter. With her voice. With her kindness. She brought hope to his hopeless life. She brought life into his lifelessness. She brought just so much happiness. She came with an amount of love that is unfathomable in a human being.

""...ever I lay with you, I felt your heart so close to miii...ine..."

It was a party at a friend's place. A crazy one at that. She had come out to stand, a little buzzed, that peaceful happiness because it was that beautiful a night. He came out too, with a coke and whiskey in hand. The wind was cool and blowing against her face. She closed her eyes to feel all that nothingness. The peace in being alone. He didn't interrupt her. She heard his footsteps. Usually, she would want to enjoy this moment by herself. But today, she somehow didn't mind his presence. She slowly turned to look at him and smiled. They could still hear the music from inside the house. She looked up and then at him and said "My dad once told me how the Big Dipper rotates clockwise about the North Star." He smiled and said "Anti-clockwise" Her immediate reaction was to oppose it but instead, she said "Let's wait and check, shall we?" The alcohol had begun to hit her a little, or maybe it was sleep, but she sure was surprised that he knew enough to comment at all. They lay down on the grass, which they might not have on another day. And they spoke for so long, it felt as though time had stretched itself to let them feel the depth of it all. He suddenly pointed upwards, "You see, it just moved to the left of the North Star. I told you." He had a smile on his face, not the smug kind but the self-satisfactory one, of having been proved right. She chuckled. She wasn't the kind to mind being proved wrong, in fact, she appreciated it. She stood up and dusted the back of her dress, "Let's go back in?" He was surprised, a little disappointed at the sudden dismissal, the sudden end to their seemingly unending conversation. He hid his disappointment, looking down while getting on his feet "Yeah, I guess". He had already decided, he had to get to know this girl a little more. Little did he know, at that moment, she was thinking the very same thing.

And they both are back to the present. She still can't believe she is indeed standing here. Singing to him. The song that she has wished to sing for so long. She wishes she could explain to him just how much she loves him. How he brings out the best in her. How his presence is all she needs to forget that an entity called sadness even exists.

"Your face... your face"

He takes a few steps towards her. He doesn't know if he wants to let her finish or catch her unawares in an embrace. He decides to wait, still mesmerized in her voice. She finishes singing the last note to that song and before she can even turn to look at him, he already has her in his arms, while she feels his face against her own. She phases in, to hear people applauding and she breaks away from him to thank the pianist.

"You can never wait, can you?"
"Didn't I wait too long already?"

They laugh and the camaraderie they share is impossible to not want for yourself.

The pianist by then, had moved on to Unchained Melody. He holds out his hand with a question on his face.  She grins, "Could I ever say no to you?".

She places her hand on his shoulder, his hand around her waist. And they dance away, moving slowly to the song, to their own rhythm, in their own world, while the rest watch on.

Author's note:
I had gone to watch X-Men a few days ago. The first of the series that I have ever watched. Besides loving the movie and falling in love with the younger Charles Xavier *sigh*, this song brought back the intimacy and emotion that it is. I had first heard this two years ago and fallen head over heels, I could not believe a song could be this beautiful. And with my emotional upheaval in the past few days, I think this had to happen. I really really love that I managed to write this. It has made me so happy. Maybe, it is too good to be true, but indulging in something once in a while ain't too bad, is it? And I hope, one day, I too shall sing this to my beloved. :)

Until the last moment

I thought I wasn't going to write about this. For multiple reasons. But then, just when I entered the lift of my building, after the crazy Bangalore trip, 'Renegade' started playing. And I was taken to another world, nothing out of the ordinary considering the volume at which it was playing on my earphones.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I just saw these people, in their flesh. I heard them play all those songs that I know, moment by moment, sound by sound. I remembered how I felt when they began playing, I could not believe I was sitting there. I had tears beginning to form in my eyes with every song that he played. Because I realized just how much those songs meant to me. I looked at all the members, the videos of whom I have grown up with, capturing every moment in my head, telling myself, this is something I never believed would happen. Honestly. We laughed, we cried, we swayed, we were lost, we screamed and boy, did we shout. Those whorl of emotions. My God.

It reminded me of a time when I was 7-8 years old. My dad would leave for office at 8.30 a.m. And he would be busy doing his daily pooja and other such rituals. The moment it struck 8 and he was finished with those, he used to play a few songs on the audio system while having breakfast. Loud. And 'Love is all' was one of them. Every day. My sister and I knew the words to the song only because of that. And we would sing it, everyday, along with him, never getting bored. And our mom would look on, smiling, going about her work. There was actually a lady in the opposite building who identified us as the family from whose house she could hear this everyday. :P

To have been able to watch this along with those very people, with whom you discovered each of these songs, just how much it moves you, to have been even present in that moment, God, I always thought it not possible. But it was. A dream come true. And I only hope that this is the beginning of many things to come. An out-of-the-world experience indeed :)

Dear Mr Gibb,

               I read your interview here. http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2013/jul/18/barry-gibb-bee-gees-music-alive  and I started reading it with such happiness. But by the time I reached the end, the feeling didn't last. Let me explain it to you.

Ever since or even before I was born, BeeGees is something I've been listening to. My dad used to play those concerts of yours really often on the VCR and at the age of 5, I probably didn't understand the idea of a concert but I  had started to remember the sequence of songs. When your song "Alone" released and the 7 year-old me watched it on T.V., I remember me and my sister being so excited that it's the band we've heard before and fell in love with the song. Right since my childhood, anyone who asked me what kind of music I listened to, BeeGees was always one of the three bands I mentioned and I was darn proud of it. 

Now during times of loneliness, those concerts are what drive me through the night. When you play 'Words', I will forever wish I was in the crowd singing along lost in a moment I would never be able to define. Even today, when I think of a song to dance to with someone I love, "How deep is your love" is what first comes to my mind. Why, it would even be my wedding song. I must tell you Mr Gibb, in that "Live by request" concert of yours, when you sang that small part of Woman in love, I have wished right until this moment that I would do anything to hear you sing that live. And the falsetto of 'Staying Alive'? I won't be the first nor the last one to try it and fail miserably and still do it again. :)

I never will understand why you had to fight for a right that was obviously yours. I cant understand why people didn't remember the loveliest music and words you have in songs like 'Gotta get a message to you', 'Run to me' and 'Don't forget to remember me'  and those innumerable songs that always make me dreamy. I wonder how people did not appreciate that the same people who came up with these wonderful ballads were able to create a revolution with Saturday Night Fever. I know you probably would never know someone like me exists. I'm actually thinking of mailing this to you even though it might never reach you. But if ever it does, I want you to know this.

I will always be thankful that my parents made sure I grew up listening to all of your songs. I will similarly make sure my children sleep listening to your songs and that my grandchildren at least know your songs exist cuz God knows what kind of cacophony they would be calling music 50 years later. That I am just one among so many million people who has loved your music. One among so many who has been moved by the brilliance that are your songs. Someone whose face can't help a huge smile whenever your song plays at any restaurant I go to. BeeGees was, is and will always be an inseparable part of my life. And I will always love you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you never leave your association with music because musicians like you who sing from your heart are hard to find. God bless.

Music and me

    Well, I must give credit to Rishkul for having written about it first which made me write today after having wanted to for months now :D.

Music..the word is enough to transport you into a different world altogether. To make you feel the emotions that you may not have reason to feel in your life but the music will make you do so. The lifting of spirits in a world where not but music seems to be around you. Music is as impactful as people. It can make you happy when you're sad, it can make you cry even when you're happy.

 Yesterday I had this long talk about how I've been exposed to music all my life. No, I lived in music my whole life. From my dad singing carnatic songs as a lullaby ever since I was born till I was almost 7. The days we had audio cassettes my mom used to carry my sister and hold the hand of 4 year old me ,Billy Joel,Lionel Richie playing loud, my mom used to dance with us, which is why I started loving pop of those times. Dad on sundays played those songs of Pink Floyd which used to sound scary then (I meant the is anybody out there :P) along with Queen,The Police and of course ABBA,Beegees ,Boney M topped the list. These songs weren't the ones which I loved so much then cuz I used to get bored of the songs which I hadn't heard often. But still, I absorbed everything I heard to love them years after I first heard them.

Music sort of grows on you. Whatever kind it may be. It enchants, enriches, invigorates.You don't need to have a natural liking to music. Listening to any kind a couple of times will make u like it. Just observe, you always tend to have the songs you hate the most running at the back of your head and at some point you start appreciating parts of it. (Although I make sure I don't listen to those songs anywhere for fear that this might happen :P )

Also, there is this sort of a connect between musicians, singers and instrument players alike. These musicians that we admire are mostly people who live on music and are crazy about it which is so evident when they are a part of it. And when two combine to be a part of a melody, oh, that connect is so visible and amazing, its almost like you're listening to 2 people who are trying to explain a point in their own way with their own mannerisms and yet the point strikes you as one and you have understood it because those 2 points of view made you appreciate the very point.

The following video,the part after 5.00 minutes will make you understand what I mean. I mean these people love doing this. Its the best career they could have asked for, doing what they love, doing what they live for, doing what would never trouble them in the slightest, I can go on and on. Accepted, reaching this point is not easy, you have to be the best in thousands and prove that to the right people.. Whatever, these guys are living a good life and we get to hear good music. :P

Even a bigger joy is to be someone who can create this music for others and of course your own self to listen and love. When it sounds as sweet from your own voice or hands. For me, after 10 years of resigning to fate that I would never be someone who I myself would listen to singing, in spite of the fact I sang all these years listening to the original song in my head, I finally started finding some melody in my own voice. Hopefully it will turn into bliss one day...all this thanks to my music teacher really!


I have always wondered why I have never been able to write about music which is ingrained in me and something I cannot dream of living without. I guess I found the answer in my question. Somethings are just precious and felt, words can do no justice to how they actually feel.

Music is an ecstasy is so good to be true and yet it is one which will last for eternity. It never can disappoint and never will. Happiness personified rather content personified is what music makes you.

So make sure music is your companion wherever you go. Life will be a beautiful symphony making you appreciate every note that has gone into making it one. :D

P.S. I still don't feel this post explains totally how much I'm mad about music.. but I guess you get the point :P

My first ever concert

                                              What a day! The maths exam had to be the last one to end as the best examination of the semester!! Also, what I experienced after that is something unforgettable and wonderful in its own way. I again thank Srinath for inviting me and Nisha for the concert, the main reason for this post.


So, I start with my association with Carnatic music.I have been born and brought up with carnatic music. Literally. Considering my father sang all the famous carnatic songs to put me and my sister to sleep till I was about 7 years old. Even when I started learning in the 2nd standard( although that teacher shifted her house in a year :( ) , my grandmother tells me I used to play the simple notes I learnt on the casio and sing along at that age. However, luck came my way and I have been able to continue learning something I am just so passionate about. Also, listening to music is always delightful , beyond doubt; but to discover the same peace, content and happiness in your own voice, it is nothing but pure magic.


So, listening to concerts which appear on TV is something I always do. But the same thing live!!. I had never imagined I would do that so soon. So Srinath told us about this concert which is a tribute to the great composer Thyagaraja on the day he attained samadhi which happens in lots of places, was happening at shanmukhananda hall and that his mother was a part of it. He invited us and we readily agreed. But we didn't know or rather realize how much that "yes" has an effect on us now.


It is pure bliss to listen to even one  musical instrument being played accompanied by a wonderful voice.But, we had more. We got to listen to 8 veenas, 8 violins, 2 flutes, 3 mrindangam( something like a dholak), 3 gatham (it is a pot used as a percussion instrument) and 50 singers together in harmony  singing the best composed songs with such devotion, that it cannot be expressed in words. One advantage of it being a live concert was I could see everyone's faces unlike on the tv where they concentrate on a select few. Each singer was lost in what they were singing; absorbed in their own world. There was this mridangam player who smiled throughout the concert when he played.The other player alternated between the ghatam and mridangam and was practically having a conversation through the instruments they both were playing. Two of the veena players sang so peacefully as they played. There was an almost 75 year old lady playing the veena!! Talk about loving music.


And me??? Oh well, I was taken back to the time when my dad used to sing these songs. I knew everyone of the 5 songs that they sang. But all the more , that was the reason I was so mesmerized. I was one with all of the people present in the hall, savouring every note that fell on my ear, every beat in company. It was a divine hour and I really couldn't clap after any song because I felt this music was way beyond something for which claps satisfy what I felt. I could have really cried with that overflowing emotion. I just didn't want it to finish. I was numb . And I can keep describing how I felt because words don't do the job.

I must say, it was the best thing that I could ever do in my life. ever. Gives me another reason to love the fact that I am learning this wonderful art. Something so divine just cannot be explained. You have to experience it.
So a big thanks again to Srinath for that wonderful experience and Nisha for accompanying me till Andheri station :).

 And so I am inclined to end this post with a thought that will never change; what we feel when we listen to music is just something we are blessed with. Cherish it as I go back to the reverberations of yesterday's peace.