Phew!

There comes a time in your life when you finally discover that one thing that means the world, no, your life to you. It comes from somewhere so deep inside, it's intrinsic and you cannot imagine life without it. I'm at the cross-roads of such a feeling.

This application process can be a self-discovering/rediscovering process if you want it to be one. Rather, it invariably becomes one of that. For those of you to whom this is news, either you don't know me or you haven't met me in the last 6 months. 6 months. This is all I have thought about. Self doubt. Times of unruly excitement. Times of excessive panic.

It started off as a small thought. M.S. was always the plan, I entered this place thinking of it. But a Ph.D.? There was always the desire but then wishes generally remain just that, right? I assumed it must be the way I wanted to become a doctor. Just how I would say all my life, that I so wanted to become a neurosurgeon but I didn't think it was meant for me.

But apparently not. The dream of discovering something, had always been there. It wasn't meant to be a forgotten dream. I went ahead and took the step. Though I still do not dare say it, because I just can't get myself to believe it. And when I do, the look I get is usually this.

   or         

But then again, came the good wishes too. Every time I told them that it's a little scary because it means so much to me, they would say that they really believe it will turn out well. It's not so much about them saying as much as it is about how much they meant what they said.

I don't know if I have done enough. It's that obvious feeling, the one when you are done, you wonder, if there was a better way of doing it all. But then I think, I gave it everything I had, everything that I could give. And I have a few people to thank who never let me give in or let it be. Those people who made sure I never went down the sad spiral. Those who bore each and every mail, edited my documents and essays more than what the time they devoted would justify. You know who you are and just how much I love you!

The past week has been so happy. The amount of happy I haven't been in the past 18 months, I think. I have already finished a book, played on the guitar every single day, sang a lot and told everyone who would listen to me that "I AM DONE!"

I don't know if it is because I think it will all work out. That it is always meant for the best. That I have finally taken the step that I have waited for, for the last 5 years almost, to study as much as I can. :)

The last 6 months have made me believe that I meant to do a Ph.D. Like I told a friend of mine, 10 years from now, I want to be in research. I don't care when I start. But that's what I wish to do in life. I don't know how long this fierceness will last. This determination. If it is just the age factor or something more.

I know that writing this makes it so much more real. People keep these things so hushed up. This is real. But again, if you don't jump, how would you learn to fly, right?

So I guess I am just going to have to wait and watch. :)

Just be

This time, my visit home felt so very different.  Maybe because it has been a long time since I went home. Or because what I expect out of life has changed. It felt good to be the kid and to be addressing someone else as "Aunty" instead of cringing on hearing that about you. It felt good that I was there in my world, not having to worry about interaction or things that I can't even define anymore.

I guess it's not really about being the kid. It's about the pretense you don't have to keep up. It's weird how much you pretend when you are grown up. You pretend that you are above all things normal, that you don't feel sad when someone doesn't talk to you, you just convince yourself to let it go. You laugh so hard as though it was the funniest joke you have ever heard but all you want to do is break a vase into a thousand pieces. Fun becomes partying and getting lost in the unknown and not having to bare your emotions to anyone. When old memories are rekindled, its a weird feeling, that of sweet pain, something that is complete as it is incomplete. And as beautiful as this emotion is, we just don't want to feel it anymore. We learn to push away that morbid feeling when we are no longer the priority of someone's life. It takes something smaller with each time, to build another layer, to build another wall.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to 'appear' perfect every moment of our life, as though the whole world's problems depend on us, when we can hardly piece our own life together. We keep getting more and more vulnerable and we keep pretending that we are tougher than we ever were. We break down so much more often in the pursuit of becoming unbreakable.

All I am trying to say is, you aren't alone. Each of us is stumbling along on our own way wondering when this pretense will finally end. When we will no longer have to worry about the people judging us for being who we actually are. Waiting for someone to come and heal the cracks in our hearts into a scar, a scar that we will cease to remember exists.

Until then, don't be afraid to feel. Don't be afraid to believe. Don't be afraid to break. Don't be afraid to fall.

Because as much as we would like to believe that being imperfect is the most abnormal thing, there is, in fact nothing more natural. So, go on. Just be.

On that note, this song.

Making peace

The eternally happy boy. The boy who wanted to bring hope into others' lives. It's one thing that cancer or any of these life-threatening disease survivors teach you how to live your life, never to lose hope and how in fact your life doesn't suck but this boy went beyond that. He wanted to tell even the people who lived with this, that life doesn't suck and some things just happen. His plan was to kick cancer's ass and boy, did he do that for 2 whole years.

I probably don't have the right to write this; when his closest friends who were with him the whole time, don't say a word. I will not say I understand what he went through; since if it as bad as I have heard cancer is, hell, I won't understand it in a lifetime. This is just a testimony to what he has left behind, and whatever little I know of it, it's the best ever possible. I love you Khushal and if anything, I just hope that wherever you are, you are relieved of all that pain, and all the happiness you feel is devoid of any blemish. You deserve all of it.

Dear Mr Gibb,

               I read your interview here. http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2013/jul/18/barry-gibb-bee-gees-music-alive  and I started reading it with such happiness. But by the time I reached the end, the feeling didn't last. Let me explain it to you.

Ever since or even before I was born, BeeGees is something I've been listening to. My dad used to play those concerts of yours really often on the VCR and at the age of 5, I probably didn't understand the idea of a concert but I  had started to remember the sequence of songs. When your song "Alone" released and the 7 year-old me watched it on T.V., I remember me and my sister being so excited that it's the band we've heard before and fell in love with the song. Right since my childhood, anyone who asked me what kind of music I listened to, BeeGees was always one of the three bands I mentioned and I was darn proud of it. 

Now during times of loneliness, those concerts are what drive me through the night. When you play 'Words', I will forever wish I was in the crowd singing along lost in a moment I would never be able to define. Even today, when I think of a song to dance to with someone I love, "How deep is your love" is what first comes to my mind. Why, it would even be my wedding song. I must tell you Mr Gibb, in that "Live by request" concert of yours, when you sang that small part of Woman in love, I have wished right until this moment that I would do anything to hear you sing that live. And the falsetto of 'Staying Alive'? I won't be the first nor the last one to try it and fail miserably and still do it again. :)

I never will understand why you had to fight for a right that was obviously yours. I cant understand why people didn't remember the loveliest music and words you have in songs like 'Gotta get a message to you', 'Run to me' and 'Don't forget to remember me'  and those innumerable songs that always make me dreamy. I wonder how people did not appreciate that the same people who came up with these wonderful ballads were able to create a revolution with Saturday Night Fever. I know you probably would never know someone like me exists. I'm actually thinking of mailing this to you even though it might never reach you. But if ever it does, I want you to know this.

I will always be thankful that my parents made sure I grew up listening to all of your songs. I will similarly make sure my children sleep listening to your songs and that my grandchildren at least know your songs exist cuz God knows what kind of cacophony they would be calling music 50 years later. That I am just one among so many million people who has loved your music. One among so many who has been moved by the brilliance that are your songs. Someone whose face can't help a huge smile whenever your song plays at any restaurant I go to. BeeGees was, is and will always be an inseparable part of my life. And I will always love you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you never leave your association with music because musicians like you who sing from your heart are hard to find. God bless.

The Manali - Rand effect

There is something about an Ayn Rand book that reinforces what I already believe. It feels like a modicum of life waiting to be discovered as a part of you and it pops out of nowhere.

When I started reading Atlas Shrugged, I thought all I want to be is the crazy workaholic. In the middle, I realized the person I wanted to be. By the end, I knew the kind of people I want to be around. The ones who inspire me. 

I want to be the girl who people look up to. Who achieves more than what is expected of her. A woman, the one who crashes right through the glass ceiling. 

There is something that came to me. We use the relationship that has been established to define our actions and what we deserve or need to provide. Do we ever learn when that relationship becomes a plain shadow of what it used to be and yet we continue to expect what we do not deserve? Our previous actions can only help us predict what we might do but you can't expect a result of something that used to be. If there is anyone who propagates unconditional love it's me but the moment you call it out as a sacrifice and expect to be pitied/appreciated/recognized for the same, your purpose of that love has been lost. I've never realized how much the self conscience matters even when it comes to love.

Joy for it's own sake has been forgotten. I've never read something where they spoke about people who love what they do to love their life for the same sake. You always read about how people have forgotten to stop and stare, how work has consumed them but this is probably the first time I read about how that consumption gave them the greatest redemption from degradation.

I learnt how scared in fact we are of facing reality. How we screw up things just to avoid it. I also realized how easy it is to reach a solution once you have seen the reality in its absolute terms, with nothing to confuse yourself about, nothing to cheat yourself about. 

Something that I think is evident in Ayn's books is the importance and intensity of emotions. The words she uses to express the emotions that are being felt is unbelievable. And the way she uses "dearest", that's when the romantic in me comes out of nowhere and makes me attach so much more importance to that single utterance.(that will be the last romantic mention I make, thank you very much :P )

I am so influenced by this book, it is scary. I even wondered if she had conveyed exactly the opposite would I be this convinced? I doubt the possibility, this is so fundamental and so ideally right, though it does seem an utopian world, there are parts of it you'll reach.

 I realize I want to admire the second person. I want to compete naturally, the motive not being to beat the other person but to keep getting better though if the effect is to beat the person it shouldn't really matter. I have always been competitive but I admire the person who has the skill to beat me and seeing that brilliance and knowing those people exist is probably why I survive. Of course, I do have times where I wonder why am I not as good as someone else but that can not and will not become my complete sense of thinking cuz they are the reason why I still have some hope in whatever system I am a part of.

As much of a dramatic dialogue this may seem like it feels like I have rediscovered myself. The person I used to love myself to be is back. I thought experiences and maturity changes who you are but apparently it doesn't... I guess reading the book and the lovely nature that accompanied me, that which I have always loved made me believe in myself again. About the endless possibilities. Just by being me. Without anyone else at all. I have no clue, absolutely no clue how long this feeling will last, but I think I know the absolute me and THAT is gonna be with me for as long as I have a sense of understanding and consciousness. 

That I love what I do, that I know I love, I'm gonna make sure it keeps me going till the end, I don't want this to be the result of what my age gives me, I want this passion to drive me throughout my life. I know there will be more times where I won't feel like this as opposed to feeling this way but as long as I have spurts of them , I think I'll survive.

In her own words,

"I trust that no one will tell me that men such as I write about don't exist. That this book has been written—and published—is my proof that they do."

And I will be one of them. 

Monsoon diaries

I remember the times we used to walk along Marine Drive singing Billy Joel and BeeGees, hand in hand. You would suddenly point out to a girl jogging in her shorts and tell me how hot she looks. It wouldn't matter even in the least to me, I knew you were mine. Yet I would act annoyed. You would make your typical mocking face and say "But you are the hottest of them all, darling". I would slap your hand and we would continue on our way.

All those nooks and corners of the road would know our stories cuz that is where we would discuss our hopes, our dreams and even our fears. Fear that this joy would not be for an eternity. That is when you would assure me, the time to enjoy is now, we can take one step at a time. Those demons would be assuaged for a day.

You would take me to all these lovely places to eat maska bun and chai. I find it so perfect during the rainy season. Those typical parsi uncles. We both would be soaking wet and have windcheaters sticking to our body and yet, we would sit on the same side of the table. I would take the first sip of that piping hot tea and close my eyes in oblivion. Open them only to find you looking at me, enjoying that serenity.

All those auto rickshaw rides, I wonder how the drivers managed to drive without actually being distracted. It was so exhilarating. I am so not the kind to attempt something like that. Yet you somehow made it feel all right. And for the first time in my life, I didn't care about what the second person thought about us. Did it really matter anymore?

Those typical things we did. Like not hanging up on the phone first. Just listening to each other breathe without needing to say a word. Grinning like idiots for no reason ever. Laughing at the cheesiest lines we could come up with. The hugs that made everything in the world feel alright.

These rains. They bring back all those long lost memories. Emotions I didn't even know existed. Funny that they surface at the very hint of a cloudy sky and the cool breeze across my face.

But then I look again. You are walking towards me with a 8 year-old girl sitting on your shoulder, animatedly talking to the woman who is walking beside you, just the way I remember you. A few grey hairs that you refuse to acknowledge, very non-flattering spectacles, otherwise just the same. 

Before I can even finish thinking, you reach upto me and kiss me, giving me that mischievous look I've always fallen for. Our daughter is excitedly showing me the drawings that she made. You see that I want to talk to your sister and you drag our cutiepie away to yet another wonderful world of hers.

Just the way you showed me mine. Those fears that never needed to exist. Some fairy tales do come true, don't they?

(P.S. This writing style is totally inspired from Anjana Iyer . And what more can I say about the rainy season. Inspires the rusty writer to pick her pen and go whooshing across the paper. )

If only...

If only you could see,

How beautiful you are to me,

That a 100 Greek gods wouldn't match up,

 to the thoughts that run when you are in front of me.

If only you could see,

How pretty you make me feel,

That 1000 people calling me beautiful,

would fade away before the way you look at me.

If only you could see,

How special you make me feel,

That innumerable fans can't come close,

To what just the one person has achieved without an extra word.

If only you could see,

The dreams that you make me believe,

That a genie can come and grant me three wishes,

And I would still send him away to have you next to me.

If only you could see,

What hearing your voice does to me,

All the lovely musical pieces put together,

Can't bring the smile that you alone can bring to my face.

If only you could see,

How much love I feel for thee,

That all the love stories put together,

Can't equal even a pint of how much I feel.

If only you could see,

Just how much you mean to me,

That take away everything from my life,

And it would still be you who I'm missing.

The day all of this becomes as clear as a sunny sky,

That you are indeed the apple of my eye,

I would no longer need to wish anymore,

You would have seen and heard it all.

All we would need is time together,

The time to cherish the depth of it all,

And I shall revel in that anticipatory bliss,

The one I had been waiting for all along.

Blyton, my first love

SO I found the book First term at Malory towers on one of my colleague's desks and I happily borrowed it. Thought it's gonna be lying somewhere as a memory of what I used to love reading when I was young but before I knew it, I couldn't keep the book down and I had finished reading it, for I think the millionth time maybe and that nice feeling doesn't escape me.

I think I should be thankful to my mom that she introduced Enid Blyton to me and my sister right when we were 9 and 7.These books despite being written so long ago still manage to bring out exactly those emotions that a kid needs to grow up in the right way. I remember the first time I read Malory towers. My thoughts resonated with Darrell's so much, I thought it couldn't be possible. Right from being the studious girl to having a younger sister who adores her and being straightforward and kind, reading the book reaffirmed that I was doing it right. All those incidents that bring out the best and worst in a person puts you through all those thoughts and for me then, it was a life changing experience, though I never realized that until this very moment. (After that,recently Fountainhead has lived to be the life-changing experience for me, if I haven't forgotten any other book. )

 Must say the same about Harry Potter, that I was lucky to have read (well, at least the first three books before it became a not-so-ideal-book per se) at exactly the times Harry Potter was the same age as me with every book that released. And those ideals that a teenager learns through those books, I don't know if it would have been the same experience had it been real life. But it made me remember that I wanted to go to Malory towers much before I wanted to go to Hogwarts.

Sometimes I wonder if I missed a lot when I missed the hostel/dormitory life. Not that I regret what I had, but these stories make it sound so lovely, it would have been worth a shot.

But I know one thing. Kids need to read these kind of books before they are exposed to Twilight and Vampire diaries and all that trash that I wouldn't even know the names of. THESE are the books that help you make decisions about yourself though you never realize that you did so. And these decisions last a lifetime. They define your very persona. Sigh, just how much I love this book.

If and when I do have kids, I think I have my ideal first book for them.

Got to get the remaining five and read those as well.

P.S. Very random this is, I know. But I just decided to write about it before the feeling melted away.

P.P.S. If you haven't read it, maybe you should try it, quite the recipe for a happy after-feeling :)

Metamorphosing into a butterfly

                            There is this weird sense of independence when it comes to us people who start working after a whole life of being in the shadow of our parents. I call it weird because you are so overwhelmed by it, you don't know what to do with it. It's a very weird state in life really where you are subject to mood swings where one day you are cribbing about how you don't have a special someone to the next day when you're talking about how you absolutely don't enjoy your work and sometimes all of this together on a so-called weekend (you might classify this as typical girl behaviour but I insist otherwise) . The only difference being , you do all of this lying on your bed looking at the ceiling with no second person to snap at.

I must say, it really is a different thing living alone. Completely by yourself. Fending for yourself almost. For someone like me who hasn't really had the hostel experience, it's a change not having my mom insist on me cleaning my room or wake up on time. I'm sure I would have been thrown out of my house if I didn't take a bath till 6 p.m. like I do here.  There was always something about college that made you feel protected and not really feel as though you were away from what you are most comfortable with.

But work, it has too many things associated with it.

Like that sense of loneliness. That sense of finally reaching that stage from which you can never turn back. All the things that go wrong when you are staying according to your own wish. How you try to salvage some of your relationships but end up pulling them down. The pressure you put on yourself to prove, to succeed, to live despite all the odds.

Of course, you would say that I was brought here on a silver platter with the job in my hands even before I knew it. But no, the last 9 months were weird. Despite me being the person who adapts to new places and people so quickly, I didn't. My expectations and what was put in front of me were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Me, the ever-optimistic people-loving person had lost hope in people. I tried to salvage what I thought, what I felt but nah, none of it happened. So I went about surviving that way. Just waiting to get out of this place and pursue what I indeed love.

But then,I have changed so much in the last 9 months. All that breaking down and going ahead to live another day does that to you. But that time where I changed made me realize what I had been doing wrong all this time. I was sitting moping around just because I had forgotten how it was to live by myself. And how perfect it could be if I made it so. But well, that was inevitable. At least, that realization did come finally. If anything at all, I'm happy I've been through that low so that won't be something I'm gonna have to deal with once I start my next phase.

Now that I think of it, starting to live by yourself isn't all that sad. That comfort in staying alone and doing how it pleases you with no one to interfere is delightful at times. I'm loving all the me time spent in hours of solitude in the midst of books and music. I'm loving how my weekend has turned into sleep + working on that love to study rather than searching for a new series to start watching. And probably because I met a few people I could relate to, all that jazz about not having a boyfriend that felt so huge in college now is just another phase in life. Maybe that's because finally after God knows how long I have a group of single friends! And hanging out with such people is definitely a feel good thing. (P.S. I even started going to the gym regularly though I won't say it for sure unless I do it for a long time by my standards)

The first 6 months made me so much aware of who I really am. What I really want out of my life. Few things that you see around you without a bias influences you in ways more than one. Few key decisions were made which is good. Like for example, the decision to do a PhD. I still don't know whether it will materialize but a decision stays one until you change it for the next,no? :)

So there is nothing new in what I've said to be frank. Everyone has gone through this and lived to survive it after how much ever long it took them. Nor am I saying all this to scare you about this whole life out of college.

It is just that we need to be ready to be jostled into actual life. Where you don't have a cushion underneath you to bounce you back. When you thought you were absolutely prepared for anything but you didn't know what it could be. You need to understand that all those things that were hidden or you chose not to see when living an absolutely dreamy life shall present themselves in front of you in all their glory now.And you WILL get used to it. And even start seeing the silver lining in the whole situation.

Now, it seems like I have been doing it for a long time. And I am comfortable and have adjusted well, if not happier. I know this is gonna happen again. But this experience coupled with my unending sense of optimism shall make me rise to the top. And then I shall have an epic story to narrate. :)

Until then, you'll have to bear such blog posts of mine. :P  Hope you have a great day to look forward to. :)

FINALLY the change

Yes!!!!!! Yes!!!!

Thanks to the awesomeness of Google and Blogger, I can finally let go of my lamest possible hyperlink that the 18 year old me thought would be temporary but ended up lasting a lifetime!!!! I no longer have to export my blog to a new one just to change the hyperlink. Thanks to the God-knows-from-where-it-started discussion with Ashwini (Who is also an awesome blogger btw) , I ended up checking this out and here I am.

All that has been removed by the introduction of a simple 'Edit' button. Oh Blogger, you have no idea how much I love you for this!

So yes, my blog is on http://perceptionsastheycome.blogspot.in/   So you know what your destination is if it is to read my blog.

WOOHOO!!! *doing the I like to move it, move it dance*


P.S. So many things happening around and for the better if I may say so. Been my natural self after so long it feels refreshing.. A new post should be here soon.

On the other hand,





YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

The Commonplace New Year post

Yes indeed, I sit to write this post just as a matter of tradition. From the point where I used to wait till 12 in the night to post this particular post, today it has come to a point where I just suddenly remembered I've been planning to write this the whole of last week. Sigh, how we change without even realizing so.

This new year's eve was good. Definitely better than sitting alone in my own room in front of my lappy with a Dairy Milk to usher in the new year.

So the apocalypse didn't happen after all! Yay! So at least I am not gonna die before I pursue my Masters/PhD,whichever I choose to do because of something like the end of the world, I so so hope I choose the latter. But I am just so glad that this working independence didn't get the idea of studying further out of my head. If anything, that idea is etched even harder into my brain so yes, my childhood dream is definitely coming true. What is to be seen is how effectively it does.

I must say, working gives you a perspective. It is different from all that I known. It is sadly not like college. You might say, Duh! but then there is this sudden realization that those dream days are indeed over. All the times you were told that the world outside is a dog-eat-dog world comes back to you. Conclusion: You grow up. That sucks!

But again, money hasn't changed my mind about anything so yay again! :) The small things you want to remain just to feel like a kid. You'll have happy moments and crazy happy moments but nothing like those days. However, the thought that I did in fact make the most of the time I had in college makes me feel wonderful and gets me through the days here before I go back to being a student albeit in a different country altogether.

  But I miss Mumbai just so much. Nope, I don't mean my friends there though that I miss them has been repeated ad nauseum. I miss the place by itself. The familiarity. The autorickshaws!!!! Though now I guess I can manage at Crawford market if required.


So, what do I wish for this year? Simplicity. A little more hope. Successful endeavours cuz I have quite some of them, especially those that matter. Strength to live through changes. A good university!( Though that will ideally be next year's wish). More singing. More music. MORE WRITING! More books. And not pressuring myself to be what I truly am not. I really think I need to take it easy. (*sings song in head*). 

Phew! That's too many wishes for someone who doesn't even have a new year's resolution, don't you think?

Anyway, its been a good day. Spent in doing what I love best. Hopefully I do that the whole year too!

Happy new year, y'all! Here's wishing that most of your wishes come true and loads and loads of happiness. (I notice even my wishes have become realistic now :-/ )

Hoping for a brand new beginning. :)