Metamorphosing into a butterfly

                            There is this weird sense of independence when it comes to us people who start working after a whole life of being in the shadow of our parents. I call it weird because you are so overwhelmed by it, you don't know what to do with it. It's a very weird state in life really where you are subject to mood swings where one day you are cribbing about how you don't have a special someone to the next day when you're talking about how you absolutely don't enjoy your work and sometimes all of this together on a so-called weekend (you might classify this as typical girl behaviour but I insist otherwise) . The only difference being , you do all of this lying on your bed looking at the ceiling with no second person to snap at.

I must say, it really is a different thing living alone. Completely by yourself. Fending for yourself almost. For someone like me who hasn't really had the hostel experience, it's a change not having my mom insist on me cleaning my room or wake up on time. I'm sure I would have been thrown out of my house if I didn't take a bath till 6 p.m. like I do here.  There was always something about college that made you feel protected and not really feel as though you were away from what you are most comfortable with.

But work, it has too many things associated with it.

Like that sense of loneliness. That sense of finally reaching that stage from which you can never turn back. All the things that go wrong when you are staying according to your own wish. How you try to salvage some of your relationships but end up pulling them down. The pressure you put on yourself to prove, to succeed, to live despite all the odds.

Of course, you would say that I was brought here on a silver platter with the job in my hands even before I knew it. But no, the last 9 months were weird. Despite me being the person who adapts to new places and people so quickly, I didn't. My expectations and what was put in front of me were at opposite ends of the spectrum. Me, the ever-optimistic people-loving person had lost hope in people. I tried to salvage what I thought, what I felt but nah, none of it happened. So I went about surviving that way. Just waiting to get out of this place and pursue what I indeed love.

But then,I have changed so much in the last 9 months. All that breaking down and going ahead to live another day does that to you. But that time where I changed made me realize what I had been doing wrong all this time. I was sitting moping around just because I had forgotten how it was to live by myself. And how perfect it could be if I made it so. But well, that was inevitable. At least, that realization did come finally. If anything at all, I'm happy I've been through that low so that won't be something I'm gonna have to deal with once I start my next phase.

Now that I think of it, starting to live by yourself isn't all that sad. That comfort in staying alone and doing how it pleases you with no one to interfere is delightful at times. I'm loving all the me time spent in hours of solitude in the midst of books and music. I'm loving how my weekend has turned into sleep + working on that love to study rather than searching for a new series to start watching. And probably because I met a few people I could relate to, all that jazz about not having a boyfriend that felt so huge in college now is just another phase in life. Maybe that's because finally after God knows how long I have a group of single friends! And hanging out with such people is definitely a feel good thing. (P.S. I even started going to the gym regularly though I won't say it for sure unless I do it for a long time by my standards)

The first 6 months made me so much aware of who I really am. What I really want out of my life. Few things that you see around you without a bias influences you in ways more than one. Few key decisions were made which is good. Like for example, the decision to do a PhD. I still don't know whether it will materialize but a decision stays one until you change it for the next,no? :)

So there is nothing new in what I've said to be frank. Everyone has gone through this and lived to survive it after how much ever long it took them. Nor am I saying all this to scare you about this whole life out of college.

It is just that we need to be ready to be jostled into actual life. Where you don't have a cushion underneath you to bounce you back. When you thought you were absolutely prepared for anything but you didn't know what it could be. You need to understand that all those things that were hidden or you chose not to see when living an absolutely dreamy life shall present themselves in front of you in all their glory now.And you WILL get used to it. And even start seeing the silver lining in the whole situation.

Now, it seems like I have been doing it for a long time. And I am comfortable and have adjusted well, if not happier. I know this is gonna happen again. But this experience coupled with my unending sense of optimism shall make me rise to the top. And then I shall have an epic story to narrate. :)

Until then, you'll have to bear such blog posts of mine. :P  Hope you have a great day to look forward to. :)