Oppressor and Emancipator

What I have to do now, is what I have always wanted to do.

And what I want to do now, is what I have to do.

Stuck in an endless loop,

There's a fire that rises within me,

that threatens that burn everything in its wake.

The wave rises to the top,

Only to never be subdued.

I ride the wave, like they ask me to,

Instead, the wave just turns back and strangles me.

I wait for the sun,

believing it holds my happiness in its rays,

All I need is one look, to wake up from this stupor.

Instead, it continues shining, as if to mock me,

That happiness is more than I can bear,

More than I can feel.

So I run away,

Only to feel that emptiness back in my being.

I look hungrily at the fire, the might that kept me moving.

I look longingly at the wave, the sounds that brought me peace.

I look wearily at the sun, the rays that give me hope against hope.

I remember the horror ,

The flashing image of breaking a baseball bat,

That rising feeling of breaking myself to feel the pain,

The urge to scream myself out to the point of no return.

I remember the joy,

The engulfing feeling of being consumed in creation,

The happiness that breaks through my ribs into my surroundings,

That sigh of relief as I sit in the warm coziness of familiarity.

Back and forth,

Up and down,

Front and back,

One and zero.