Finally! After having written multiple new year posts referring to this very day, I am actually here. A dream come true.
Umm, not exactly. No, it is not what it seems to imply. I got back to studying like a person who rides a bicycle after a decade and they're on their way. But the second half of this year has definitely been terrible health-wise. Spending-so-much-time-at-the-hospitals-and-health-centers-that-the-receptionists-began-to-recognize-me terrible. It included not being allowed to sing or play the guitar for three months, two of the things that keep me sane. Phew, you would think this is as bad as a Greek mythological task where you are setup to fail. ( Influence of having read the complete Percy Jackson series in less than a week! I highly recommend.)
Yet, I can call these 4 months the best I have ever had in way too long a time, despite all the hardships and breaking down. I have not felt so alive and real in years. So I haven't given up, not yet. I think the last few days of the semester were bad, it did reach the crazy level I was waiting the whole semester for. I did win eventually. It makes me wonder how often hard work is correlated with winning. I absolutely believe in it, but I wish people addressed how stressful grad school really is, more openly . Anyway, I think I still cannot dismiss the majority of the feelings felt, which is grateful.
There are so many days when I wished I had never gone to work, that I had applied right at the beginning and lived what I am living now. But I guess that's not how it works. I am sure I would have taken it for granted, just having gotten out of college, with rose colored glasses, not really knowing how life looks like otherwise.
I now have really come to believe that sometimes, you really need to live your worst to do your best. So that you know how precious that moment is, how precious that feeling is, how much you really want to do this. I now know enough to say I want this without wondering "Do I really want it or is it just me being extremely emotional and stupid?". I am so worried that a day will come when this will stop feeling like a dream and will feel like drudgery and I might be inclined to stop halfway. But there is also a part of me that thinks that it might not happen because I am in a place where I can actually go ahead with my ideas, there is nothing to stop me, there is only encouragement from all directions. I definitely do not know if these ideas will fall flat on their face (which I am sure they might) or other mishaps I haven't taken into account might happen but at least, I have a chance. At least, I have an option to try. And THAT, I cannot and will not take for granted, having craved this moment for years.
That was quite some emotion, now for the real deal.
This semester has also been about believing in myself again. I have finally worked on projects, learnt languages, tackled interviews in a way that I always perceived the other smart person to be able to do, but never me. This semester, I did it all. I am very impressed with myself. I am glad I can say that I am impressed with myself. I am relieved, that I am not dumb after all. I also figured I have become quite strategic about addressing ways of handling work. I always thought strategy and hard work never go hand in hand but it turns out, working hard in a smart manner does transform itself to a strategy.
It also turns out that I've become quite the introvert in the past three years, such a far cry from what I was identified with back in the undergrad days. Also, after years of refusing to do so, I have finally let myself accept that there are different levels of closeness with different people and it actually helps me be a better friend. Maybe the two are related. I think it is because I just don't have the energy in me to hide my real thoughts and feelings, I'd rather just talk to those who know me well enough for me to not have to justify anything that I say. For that matter, in general, I have just started saying what I think and feel as opposed to masking the same. I can assure you, it is the highest level of relief you could ever feel, since this comes from someone who used to hate offending people even if it was unintentional.
Something I am very proud of, is that I stuck to the resolution of having some physical activity part of my daily routine, despite the crazy schedule. I have realized that, that adrenaline peak is something that is utmost necessary and so is the endorphin release. I love it. And I know I will continue it this year as well, to better results, I hope.
A few days ago, I sang a Carnatic music song. It was on the insistence of someone I hardly knew. But after three months of the singing break I had to take, after that yearning to sing all this time, it felt magical. I had forgotten how amazing it feels, as though with every word I sang, every wound in my soul was healed to full capacity. I think I am definitely getting back to that, no doubt.
Somehow this year, I don't have any thing that I specifically want to live by or get done because somehow over the years, I believe I have assimilated them into myself. I'm not saying I don't have room for improvement, I have loads of those. But this year, I am peaceful. I am thankful for where I am. And I hope this year just gets better. I will ensure I put all of my heart and soul into everything that I do and hope that it counts.
I am going to leave you with the thought that sometimes, if you work hard enough and want something enough, you will get through all the hurt and horrible times to where you wish to be. You just need to believe in yourself and your effort. I wish you a very happy new year. Leaving you with this song because I believe it is happy enough to represent my state right now. :)
Umm, not exactly. No, it is not what it seems to imply. I got back to studying like a person who rides a bicycle after a decade and they're on their way. But the second half of this year has definitely been terrible health-wise. Spending-so-much-time-at-the-hospitals-and-health-centers-that-the-receptionists-began-to-recognize-me terrible. It included not being allowed to sing or play the guitar for three months, two of the things that keep me sane. Phew, you would think this is as bad as a Greek mythological task where you are setup to fail. ( Influence of having read the complete Percy Jackson series in less than a week! I highly recommend.)
Yet, I can call these 4 months the best I have ever had in way too long a time, despite all the hardships and breaking down. I have not felt so alive and real in years. So I haven't given up, not yet. I think the last few days of the semester were bad, it did reach the crazy level I was waiting the whole semester for. I did win eventually. It makes me wonder how often hard work is correlated with winning. I absolutely believe in it, but I wish people addressed how stressful grad school really is, more openly . Anyway, I think I still cannot dismiss the majority of the feelings felt, which is grateful.
There are so many days when I wished I had never gone to work, that I had applied right at the beginning and lived what I am living now. But I guess that's not how it works. I am sure I would have taken it for granted, just having gotten out of college, with rose colored glasses, not really knowing how life looks like otherwise.
I now have really come to believe that sometimes, you really need to live your worst to do your best. So that you know how precious that moment is, how precious that feeling is, how much you really want to do this. I now know enough to say I want this without wondering "Do I really want it or is it just me being extremely emotional and stupid?". I am so worried that a day will come when this will stop feeling like a dream and will feel like drudgery and I might be inclined to stop halfway. But there is also a part of me that thinks that it might not happen because I am in a place where I can actually go ahead with my ideas, there is nothing to stop me, there is only encouragement from all directions. I definitely do not know if these ideas will fall flat on their face (which I am sure they might) or other mishaps I haven't taken into account might happen but at least, I have a chance. At least, I have an option to try. And THAT, I cannot and will not take for granted, having craved this moment for years.
That was quite some emotion, now for the real deal.
This semester has also been about believing in myself again. I have finally worked on projects, learnt languages, tackled interviews in a way that I always perceived the other smart person to be able to do, but never me. This semester, I did it all. I am very impressed with myself. I am glad I can say that I am impressed with myself. I am relieved, that I am not dumb after all. I also figured I have become quite strategic about addressing ways of handling work. I always thought strategy and hard work never go hand in hand but it turns out, working hard in a smart manner does transform itself to a strategy.
It also turns out that I've become quite the introvert in the past three years, such a far cry from what I was identified with back in the undergrad days. Also, after years of refusing to do so, I have finally let myself accept that there are different levels of closeness with different people and it actually helps me be a better friend. Maybe the two are related. I think it is because I just don't have the energy in me to hide my real thoughts and feelings, I'd rather just talk to those who know me well enough for me to not have to justify anything that I say. For that matter, in general, I have just started saying what I think and feel as opposed to masking the same. I can assure you, it is the highest level of relief you could ever feel, since this comes from someone who used to hate offending people even if it was unintentional.
Something I am very proud of, is that I stuck to the resolution of having some physical activity part of my daily routine, despite the crazy schedule. I have realized that, that adrenaline peak is something that is utmost necessary and so is the endorphin release. I love it. And I know I will continue it this year as well, to better results, I hope.
A few days ago, I sang a Carnatic music song. It was on the insistence of someone I hardly knew. But after three months of the singing break I had to take, after that yearning to sing all this time, it felt magical. I had forgotten how amazing it feels, as though with every word I sang, every wound in my soul was healed to full capacity. I think I am definitely getting back to that, no doubt.
Somehow this year, I don't have any thing that I specifically want to live by or get done because somehow over the years, I believe I have assimilated them into myself. I'm not saying I don't have room for improvement, I have loads of those. But this year, I am peaceful. I am thankful for where I am. And I hope this year just gets better. I will ensure I put all of my heart and soul into everything that I do and hope that it counts.
I am going to leave you with the thought that sometimes, if you work hard enough and want something enough, you will get through all the hurt and horrible times to where you wish to be. You just need to believe in yourself and your effort. I wish you a very happy new year. Leaving you with this song because I believe it is happy enough to represent my state right now. :)
2 comments:
You know how I feel about all of it (especially the bits about saying what's on your mind and working hard and overcoming present hardships)! So glad to have stuck out so long with you, and to see it getting only better. :)
With a heavy heart and extreme nostalgia, I have to say this: you've grown up kiddo!
PS: While I'm at overwhelming my social media reclusive self, figured I'll pour my heart out on your blogpost about pouring your heart out! :P
I haven't read the full post yet. But i cannot help myself from saying this :)
Its been 30 days since I had coffee. About 5 days since i tasted anything of sugar. (Sugar de-addiction program). The withdrawal symptoms are at peak. Yet, when i read this post, it made me so happy. For many reasons:
1) "I think it is because I just don't have the energy in me to hide my real thoughts and feelings, I'd rather just talk to those who know me well enough for me to not have to justify anything that I say." This is like me describing why I love Preeti to a stranger.
2) It heartening to see you grow into such a balanced person. Balancing passion and rationality. I learn many things and it inspires me to hold on to my dreams.
3) Carnatic song. Wounds healed.
4) Did I ever say you write beautifully? Almost like a river gushin *gluck gluck* :D I also read the poem above this post. Unable to decide whether prose is more awesome or poetry :)
Keep writing. And oh, you should so be on Quora.
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