I couldn't possibly not write
about this. Ironically, a week ago, I couldn't even explain it. I didn't have words. It is just that crazy. I still remember that moment. That moment I
was so scared of for the past few days. My heart raced and I could feel it
beating hard and loud. I thought something is going to give up on me. But when it
came, all I did was close my eyes. Or look down. It didn't matter. Because only
one thing was running in my head. And in that moment, I forgot everything else.
It was mine. Mine, all along. As though, everything else insignificant,
unimportant was shifted to some place I couldn't recognize, to be completely
consumed by one wholesome feeling. Overwhelmed I was. I never believed I was
capable of it. You look like a guy, they said. You sound like a guy, they said.
That that very thing might make you sound so different and unexpected, they
never said. But my mom did. If not for her, I don’t think I would be here,
talking about this at all. And my two teachers, without them, I don’t think I
would ever have reached for the skies like I did.
All I could think of, were the
words that were coming out of my mouth. I didn't even realize where I was, what
I was doing. There wasn't even the possibility of thinking of anything else.
That music had taken me into it. Damn, this feeling, I can’t shake it off. That
hour before, I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I don’t really know
what else to say. That day, I remembered the first ever concert I had attended.
I remembered being in that moment, with the people who sang, with the people
who played and the smiles adorning their faces. I had just begun to learn music
again then. I even wrote a whole post about it. And now when I go back and read, I feel blessed, to have ever felt this feeling,
even once. I feel grateful again, that I am actually able to learn this art, to
be a minuscule part of it, as much as every living cell in my body knows that
without music, I am not me, I cannot exist. And it is something that helps me tell anyone I meet,
including you, who is reading the post. If your reason for not singing, is “I
can’t sing”, “You would run away if I begin singing”, “I don’t have a good
voice”, take it from someone who has come past it all. I would never have
believed that it can ever come to me. That I, would actually not think my voice
sounds weird. I never would have imagined my dad would be incredibly happy on
having heard me, that my mom would be incredibly moved. There is this
unshakable feeling in my head which tells me, music was always gonna be a part
of me.
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| I bought this poster a few weeks ago and it is just so apt! |
In a
similar way, I think this small thing has made me believe, that I am gonna
learn Carnatic music for as long as it takes. And hopefully, just hopefully,
the first day I have my own concert, when I actually sing niraval and Kalpana swaras,
I don’t think I would ever hope for more. Ever. I didn't know I was even
capable of feeling so much. But having felt it, I am just so so grateful and
thankful that I have this with me. Finishing on a note where I have tears in my
eyes and that choking feeling in my throat.
The brilliant part? I am at peace.
